Transgender with a spouse

Hi Jjanon,

I am transitioning and have been on blockers since November and estrogen since January. I am currently working on my relationship with my wife. We have been together for almost 20 years, married for almost 14. We have a beautiful daughter that is 13 and has Asperger's Syndrome. I mention that not because we define her that way, but only to paint a picture of some other challenges that we face as a family.

Every couple is going to have their own way of handling things and their own inevitable ending, whether that be together or apart. So it is super hard to be able to advise you as to what to expect. That is, other than what you and your spouse are already experiencing. I can describe my own experiences to you, but I can't guarantee that your experiences will be the same. In fact, there used to be a couple on YouTube that I totally fell in love with and hoped to one day achieve their kind of relationship with my wife. I came out as trans to my wife in October, and when I first came out to my wife, it didn't look very promising that we would be together. There was just so much going on in our relationship. I was ready to move on when I came out. Now, my wife and I are trying to work things out, while my "dream couple" are now divorced. So, yes, I can give you all the advise in the world, and I'm more than happy to do so, but it is going to come down to how your spouse feels about your transitioning.

As far as a "partial transitioning" is concerned. It's funny that you should ask such a thing, because that was one of the "deals" that I made with my wife. I had come to terms since then that I was only trying to ease her pain and crying by telling her that I would only "partially" transition. Yeah, that totally blew up in my face when I realized that she was more or less banking on that, when I had no intention of ever NOT fully transition. I didn't know that at the time. It took a really bad situation that involved our daughter's therapist for me to realize both her expectations and my reality. When I made those "promises" my intentions were sincere. Or at least I thought they were. My desire to make her feel better made those promises and inevitably made her feel worse when my "real" desires to fully transition came out. When I look back at that now, and even when I am talking to my wife about that, I realize that I was just lying to her and myself for a temporary fix of a situation that requires a permanent solution.

Right now, as far as how I "present", I feel most comfortable as fairly androgynous with a slight lean towards masculine. Once my confidence goes up more, I will progressively present more feminine, and then, of course, my over-all goal is to live as the woman I am full time. I do this because it is how I feel the most comfortable, secure and safe. I find that my slower transition is helpful with my relationship with my wife, as it kind of decreases the "shock value", and it is a more gradual change. That's not to say that she is rolling with this without any problem. She has her moments, but for the most part I feel like she is doing everything she can to adapt.

One last thing. Last night she told me that when she was a little girl, she never dreamt of meeting the woman of her dreams, only the man of her dreams. Makes perfect sense. So really try to be understanding. It's so easy for us to get caught up in all of our trials and tribulations and we forget about how this is affecting our spouses.

Good luck!!! I am more than happy to talk to you one on one through this site if you'd like. But I just started back to school, and am absent from here for long spells sometimes. This is like my 3rd day in a row on here and I am trying to be more present here.

 

My advise would really be as honest with yourself first. Then be extremely honest with her. No grey areas. I made the mistake of talking before I knew exactly what I wanted. Then, as mentioned in the earlier post, it kinda blew up in my face and forced me to do what I should have done from the very beginning. That is to be honest with myself so I could've been more honest with my wife. I also came out to my wife because I was ready to leave. Our relationship wasn't working and hadn't for many years. I had tried to communicate this to her for many years on many different occasions. Things would improve for a couple of days, maybe a week, and then go right back to where it was. I was already in therapy before I came out to her as well. So, I thought I knew what I wanted. Then, she told me that she still didn't want to give up on us, but wasn't sure if she could live with me as a woman. But she did say she would try. In the beginning, I too talked about a "partial" transition and androgyny. Then she told me that if I "fully transitioned" she would always love me and support me, but at a distance with my daughter. I had always thought in the back of my mind that, if I transitioned slowly enough, she would fall in love with the person I am and not even realize that I was becoming more and more female. And that, somehow, would make her more comfortable living with me regardless of my gender. As the days went by and we tried to do this together with some sense of normalcy, she really started to think I wasn't interested in transitioning fully, and I was thinking that she was coming to terms with me transitioning fully. You see what's going on here? Finally, we had a meeting with my daughter's therapist about how I should come out to my daughter, and things got really honest really quickly. My wife basically said, "I don't even know why we are discussing this, because he doesn't even know if he is going to transition.". My response was, we always talked about it and said that I was probably going to go all the way with my transition.". And she mentioned that I hadn't committed fully to that. At which point the therapist interjected that he was really confused, that he was under the impression that I was definitely going to transition and that if this weren't the case we have a lot of figuring out to do. And then it became a big, blown up mess from there. It started to become more about our marital issues than me transitioning. Remember, this wasn't a couples therapist, this was my daughter's therapist who helps with her autism. so, YIKES!!! When we got home, I just had to have my little hissy fit. I didn't yell, or get violent in anyway, I simply skipped my medication and tried to act like the typical cartoonish, slob-like male to try to give my wife a look at what kind of "man" I would become if forced to do so. I remember not being able to fall asleep at all. So I tried to knock out some school work. I did SO MUCH soul searching and not a lot of school work. That is when I came to the conclusion that I need to face reality. I will not be happy as man anymore. And I need to let my wife know. When she woke up, I told her that I realize I could not be happy as a man any longer. There is zero chance of my not transitioning fully. We certainly have had many ups and many downs since then, but we are trying to move on together, as a family, knowing that I am going to fully transition.

I didn't intend for this to be as long as it is, but I just wanted you to see what happens when you aren't sure on what YOU want first. If that means you need to put a temporary halt everything, then you should. I think the answers to a lot of your questions maybe answered rather quickly if you do. In the meantime, it may be important to let your wife know that this does not mean you don't want to transition, it just means you want to be positive. Let her know that there isn't really a time frame as to how long this inner-search will take.

I hope this helps in some way. Again, with my crazy schedule I don't know how often I will be on here. But I have been fairly constant this past week. So if you need more advise or words of encouragement or just to talk, give me a shout. Good luck!!!