I've seen several similar stories on here but want to post my own so that I have an extra outlet. A married man I've messed with off and on for several years and I decided around this time last year that we are in love. We tried making it work, and he even decided he was going to find a way to tell his wife, but after almost a year of being hurt and playing games, he decided he "owes it to her" to give their marriage a shot. He's been with men throughout their entire marriage but has made a decision to stay with her and turns his head to the hurt his daily lie causes. Recently we've decided that we are not talking anymore, and most of my love has transferred into hate. Of course this is an abridged version of all that has happened, but I would love to hear from others who have experienced any aspect of this. The married man who will never tell, the married man that has told, the "other man" like myself, etc. Anyone please comment. I'm not out either, so I looked at this as an opportunity for he and I to grow together. This is my first time being in love, and falling for someone that is not available to you is clearly the worst.
You may not want to hear this, but this seems to be one of the downsides of living in the closet. If your going to be in the closet, and seek relationships with others in heterosexual relationships that are also in the closet, the risk of it ending as you have described are inherent in the nature of the hidden relationship itself. Maybe use this as a way to reflect if this is in fact how you want to be living your life while simultaneously brushing the dirt off and moving on from the heartache.
I agree completely and have actually heard it previously. He started seeing a therapist at one point, and I went with him for a session. It was great to talk to someone completely unattached to the situation and she made the same comment. At this point I've told a few people about my sexuality thinking that it would relieve me a bit and be able to talk about my issues, but it has actually had the reverse so far. Telling them has left me feeling even more empty so far.
Hey kyheartbreak07, welcome to EC! It is an awful experience to go through: to give your love for the first time ever to a person who would rather remain in the dark and not confront reality. What he owes her is the simple and unvarnished truth, nothing less. I certainly understand where he's coming from, having been married to a woman for 20 years myself, it isn't easy to escape from these entanglements, but it isn't impossible either. I would suggest that, as a start, you find some way to forgive him, not for his sake, definitely not, but for yours...the bitterness of a love gone bad has a way of poisoning any future relationship(s) you may find yourself in. Forgive him then forget him, your best attitude is indifference. Next, the best way to avoid a similar encounter is to be out. Yes, you need to come out. Being with someone who is closeted will not make it any easier for you to come out, and will probably make it more difficult, because one of you will likely come out first, and the one who remains closeted will treat the one who is out like a dirty secret...not a recipe for a healthy relationship. When you are open about who you are, within the bounds of a safe environment, interesting things start to happen. You start finding and making gay friends, they may become lovers, or they may know someone who knows someone who might be the right guy for you. You get involved in the community perhaps, and most important, you no longer have to hide. Find the strength to come out, focus on that for now, relationships will come and go, but living with integrity is forever.
Hey, great. Thanks for that. You actually brought tears to my eyes with that response. He has been married for quite a while as well. Part of why I feel so connected to him is because I look at him and see what I am afraid of becoming. I was at least determined enough to end my relationships with females before they got too far simply out of my fear of realizing I may have to hurt her later. I have befriended a couple of men in my area that were married and came out somewhat recently. Talking to them has been amazing. As far as coming out, I have told a couple of people but still feel pretty empty. I know things will not happen overnight as well. Thanks for the posts. This is great.
There are many issues you will need to sort through in order to fully embrace yourself and find contentment. Accepting yourself and coming out is just the first step of the journey to self actualization. You found EC, and you can find a lot of insight and experience that can help you along the way. Your journey awaits!
