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Needing a new narrative

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by crazydog15, Aug 11, 2016.

  1. crazydog15

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    What is the "right" narrative for a gay relationship...?

    So I'm one of those guys who's been in the closet for eons and who grew up and still lives in a very heteronormative world. I know what the idealized straight relationship narrative is: go to school, meet the opposite-sex person of your dreams, go out on dates where you may or may not have sex, fall madly in love, get married, have 2 or 3 kids, get a dog and a cat and a two-to-three story house in the 'burbs with an immaculate lawn and a white picket fence, etc, etc, etc. And that's the only story that I know, so when I look out upon the world of gay men, the only thing I know to do is to take that story, erase the woman, and insert a man. And then hope for the best. But is that the best way to approach this? I'm guessing that there really ought to be a better story to tell; a different one, of course, but a better one nonetheless.
     
  2. OnTheHighway

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    Here is the beauty of being true to yourself, a relationship should be based on whatever narrative you feel comfortable with! My partner and I have established our own narrative based on transparency, support for one another, and being an enabler for each other such that we each become the complete persons were are supposed to be. No other narrative is necessary; we then let the relationship define itself.
     
  3. Nickw

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    Crazydog

    I went to school, got married, still married and none of the rest of the story fits my life and I am very satisfied. I know several miserable straight guys who have everything you described. It is what I wanted too when I was twenty.

    But, my wife and I created our own lives together that have included dedication to careers, volunteering, and extreme sports. We grew together with this and my life could have taken a number of different paths with different people.

    The best part of life, to me, is discovery. It takes you places you may not have imagined. Sometimes that discovery can be a joint effort with a life partner.

    The heternormative life is (or should be) dead and buried. Make your own path. To do that, you need to take some risks. You already have with you foray into the gay scene. Keep building on that discovery and have FUN.
     
    #3 Nickw, Aug 11, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 11, 2016
  4. RosePetals76

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    I agree with OnTheHighway, you as a couple write your own relationship narrative. My girlfriend and I were discussing our ideals in that regard last night, and many areas are the same as the hetero normative one you listed... We want to get married, have or adopt a child, and get a house in the country. If we stay together long enough and get that far, anyway.
     
  5. Delta

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    There isn't a "right" narrative. My narrative was "date a selection of people of different genders while in middle school, then fall madly in love with someone in high school, stay with them for 6 years where you take care of each other during some really serious problems and attend college, get informally engaged, figure out you're both nonbinary, move in together" and if my plans go well it'll be "get a snake, then a cat, then graduate college, then get a dog, then get married, then have build a nice house with a picket fence and have some kids."

    It's not your narrative. It isn't a perfect narrative. But it's mine, and I wouldn't change a thing. I've never been as happy as I am with my fiance, and I fully believe that's because we're gay.

    Gay relationships are special, compared to straight ones, for a very important reason. The hierarchal stereotypical roles that are standard for heterosexual couples are gone. Who cooks? Whoever likes cooking more. Who fixes things when they break? Whoever's better at it. Who does the things no one wants to do? You share them, so it's half as sucky for both of you.

    I guess that part of the beauty of gay relationships is the lack of "standard narrative". It's the freedom to be everything you are with someone who you actually really love.
     
  6. YeahpIdk

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    I agree with everyone saying to write your own story. When I think about my perfect same-sex relationship, it really doesn't look too different from what I always thought life should be with an opposite-sex partner: happy, living life the way you want to, etc. There is no one way.

    I think I used to want that white picket fence thing, but that was when I was really young. I'm not sure I want to have kids anymore, and I definitely never fit the domesticated female roles. I love to cook, and I like a clean space, but I certainly don't do it to please someone else. And if someone else is involved in the situation, they best be helping! I would demand this out of any-gender relationships.

    What does your happy life look like to you? Now insert you and whomever you wish to see in it. That's what your narrative should be!
     
  7. mangotree

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    One of the best things about being LGBTQI is that you're free to live your present and future the way that you enjoy.
    Write your memoirs at the end of your life. Not at the beginning.
     
  8. Goldensun

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    I agree with all these posts. Being a gay guy who was once married and has two daughters, it's all about not following the heteronormative narrative. It's about negotiating new ways through a complex life and acknowledging the complexities and the compromises and the non-binary nature of life. It's about not measuring yourself by the same standards and benchmarks which our straight bethren use to make their own lives a misery. It's understanding that a new car or an overseas holiday are just items to clutter up your life and maybe all you need is a couple of good coffee shops and time to hang out in them every day. It's about understanding that as members of a minorty group we share some similar experiences with all minority groups around the world and that's why we probably understand the true meanings of tolerance and understanding. There is so much out there for any of us to take on to create a new and individual narrative which isn't selfish and boringly linear. Enjoy it.