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Coming Out at 47

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by I'm gay, Aug 11, 2016.

  1. I'm gay

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    I've been reading lots of threads and replies on here for the last few weeks. I've been working up the courage to write my own post here, and today I decided to just go ahead and do it.

    To begin with, I'm 47 years old. I'm in a heterosexual marriage and will "celebrate" our 20th anniversary next month. And I have two kids, 16 & 12 boys.

    I've known I was gay since about 11 years old. I didn't accept being gay, but I knew deep down that I was attracted to boys. Early on it wasn't necessarily sexual, but after puberty, it clearly was. Unfortunately, in an era of a society hostile to all things LGBT, the growing threat of AIDS, and a complete lack of any role models, I went into the closet.

    I didn't want to be gay, or at least what I thought was gay at the time. I believed that "gay" meant sissy, effeminate men and drag queens. That was my world-view of homosexuality. The complete lack of anything supportive of LGBT in my life told me that being gay was definitely NOT ok. I learned that a person who is gay should feel ashamed of themselves. And so I felt ashamed. I learned that gay people get taunted, threatened, bullied, and physically harmed. So I felt fear. I learned that some parents throw their gay kids out of the house. I learned that gay people are ostracized from society. So I felt anxiety.

    I was determined that I was not going to be gay. I wanted no part of what I saw as gay on TV or any media source. It's a choice, right? That's what I thought. So, I'm just going to choose to be straight. I thought if I have sex with a woman, it might change me into a straight guy. And you know what? It did. Or so I thought.

    Thus began about 25 years of denial. Despite what many may think, living in denial was just fine with me. I didn't think about it much. Sure, I continued to have fantasies, masturbated to gay porn, and checked out men's bulges covertly when I could. I found it very easy to compartmentalize that part of me. I was always able to put it back in the closet when I was done, and get on with life.

    I went through many stages of changing my internal identity. I'm straight, I said for years. Then, well, maybe not completely straight. I'll call it straight with a twist. That worked for a few years. Then, maybe I'm bi. That held for a few more years. Maybe I'm just a little gay. Maybe I'm mostly gay. Maybe I'm gay. Always with the maybe though.

    Two years ago, my father passed away from cancer. Six months later I came out to myself. It wasn't specifically due to my father (my father was never homophobic, just silent). I believe it was my father's passing that caused me to take stock of my own life. It was a powerful moment for me to finally acknowledge that I'm gay. I remember so clearly actually forcing myself to say it out loud. It felt so good. Then it dawned on me what I was really saying. I have a wife and 2 kids. How can I ever face them, or anyone else with my truth? I determined once again, that I couldn't face that. So, I told myself that it didn't matter if I was gay. This hetero life I'm living, that's what I wanted, right? Well, you got what you wanted and now you have to live with it. I told myself that I would NEVER NEVER NEVER reveal my secret to anyone. I would take it to the grave with me. This is what I deserve. (Even two years later, that last sentence still makes me cry. This is really hard to write.)

    So I buried my feelings again and attempted to go back to a state of denial that had worked for me for so long. Only this time it didn't work. I didn't realize that the act of coming out to myself would negate my ability to live in denial. For the first time, I felt like I was living a lie. I was now pretending. I was now hiding myself and feeling false to everyone I know. I was becoming depressed. I felt so lonely, that I had no one to talk to . The pressure of this conflict between what I now know to be true and the false front I was living began building, causing me increasing amounts of anxiety and depression. I withdrew from things that I was interested in. I withdrew from my relationship with my wife. I was a ticking time bomb ready to explode. All that was needed now was a trigger.

    Then came June 12, 2016.

    I don't really know why the Pulse Nightclub shooting in Orlando was the trigger for me. I believe it didn't HAVE to be Orlando, it just HAPPENED TO BE Orlando. I found myself crying for days on end. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I lost 15 pounds in three weeks after Orlando. It was the worst three weeks of my life.

    My wife knew something was wrong with me, try as I did to hide it. The more she asked what was wrong, and I couldn't keep giving lame excuses like "Oh, I'm just tired." Finally, I just couldn't take it anymore and in a completely crazy act of unburdening myself, I just jumped off the cliff and came out to her.

    She was mostly quiet, and it took a few days for her to be able to begin talking about it with me. (Gut-wrenching days for me, oh there's two more pounds lost.) Over the last two months we have been talking more and more and she has been the most incredibly generous and loving person to me.

    We have mutually agreed to divorce, and I will be moving out of the house in a few months (I need to save up some money first!) I'm now out to several friends (work friends) and will be coming out to my kids in two weeks, then other family members.

    Over the last couple of months, I have spent a considerable amount of time trying to figure myself out, becoming more and more comfortable with myself, and I'm ready to finally be open and honest in my life. I'm incredibly excited to take this next step.

    Of course, I still have fears. I don't yet know how my kids will react and how difficult this will be for them. Given their ages, there is certainly the potential that it may not go as I hope.

    Sorry if my post here is a bit long. I appreciate any thoughts on my situation and advice on coming out to kids. The internet sites that deal with this are few, so thank you in advance for your thoughts.
     
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  2. Patagonia

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    I believe yours is one of the best if not THE best accounts of a lifetime of denial, confusion and finally, realization and self acceptance - a lifetime that so many of us share - or one where we are now in some chapter of that story. No, it was not definitely not too long. Every sentence had meaning. As for your kids, your concern for them shows how empathetic you are towards others. No idea though how they will react and what they will think. It may take a very very long time for them to understand and accept. Maybe never. But there's nothing you can do to change how they feel. You can only decide how YOU will continue to act towards them. Not with guilt. Or anger. But loving them the way you would want them to love you - unconditionally. Good luck man. Great post.
     
  3. maybgayguy

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    Hey Iamgay47,

    That is an incredibly moving story. wow. I feel a lot of that but haven't had the courage to come out.

    I really hope things turn out best for you! Keep us posted on how things are going.
     
  4. mangotree

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    Thanks so much for sharing your story.
    It was very clear and not too long at all.

    There will be both some difficult and some beautiful times ahead.

    I wish you and your family the best of luck.
     
  5. RainbowBrite

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    What a powerful and moving story. I'm sorry you've been through so much internally but so pleased your wife is supporting you and you are now able to be yourself. I hope your kids take it ok. Most kids these days are fairly blasé about sexuality but the change in home life may be a bigger issue for them. Good luck.
     
  6. greatwhale

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    Hey Imgay47, welcome to EC!

    I could have written this account in almost all its particulars to describe my own experience (except for the supportive wife part - lucky you!).

    Check out the Colage website, it is a very good resource for LGBTQ parents, and should help you with coming out to the kids. They will likely be more upset by the divorce, so keep your focus on healing that as much as possible.

    It is wonderful to discover how this site has already helped you! Do visit often and let us know how it is going, you will find this site to be a very supportive and informative place to air out your thoughts and feelings.

    Welcome to what will probably be the most intense adventure of your life! May you find what you are seeking as you discover who you are.
     
  7. TravelerMe

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    Hey Imgay47,

    Your story is very touching and resonates with me deeply. Aside for some minor details yours mirrors my own situation; years of denial, family, death of loved ones.. all of it. I've been working through things over the last few months and plan to come out to my wife very soon.


    Yep, definitely been here; just reading this made me cry.

    I'm wondering how to handle this part. My kids are similar ages and a little younger. Not sure how urgent this is. How did you and your wife decided that as well as telling family right away? I don't want them to fear the future until we figure things out.

    One of the most incredible things about being out to a couple of friends; more firmly accepting myself and being honest is how much it improves my interpersonal interactions with others. I'm more genuine and open and confident. I was always in hiding mode and withdrawn. I can't imagine how it will be when I'm out to her and really begin a genuine life. Exciting indeed.

    Thanks for sharing your story and showing the courage many of us need to see so we can move forward.

    All the best to you!
     
  8. Weston

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    Well done! Your story could have been mine, except that I waited till l was 63 to come out, and my catalyst was falling in love (with a guy), rather than an event like Pulse. My wife's reaction was much the same as your wife's too, and we are actually still living together, though pursuing different romantic interests and making plans to separate soon (we own property together that makes separating difficult). If you and your wife are in accord, I would counsel you to not act too quickly but instead take time to figure things out for the benefit of all concerned. I wouldn't worry too much about your kids — as long as they feel loved and protected, they're likely to accept you as you are. One of the things that finally "tipped" me into coming out was the thought that I didn't want to die with my kids not knowing who I really was.
     
  9. Nickw

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    Hey

    Really appreciate your story and hope all the best for you as you continue your journey. I recently came out to my wife as bi and have really began the process of exploring the gay side of my sexuality. I feel like a burden has lifted.

    I would suggest as soon as you can to begin meeting other gay men as friends. This has been so great for me as I learn more about myself to be able to interact with other gay guys. Best of luck and thanks for the post.
     
    #9 Nickw, Aug 12, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2016
  10. I'm gay

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    Thank you everyone for your kind words. I found it to be very liberating to share my story. Just as I see myself in other stories, I know that others will see themselves in parts of mine.

    TravelerMe: The desire to come out to my kids and family soon is mostly coming from me. My wife doesn't have the "need" to reveal like I do, but she supports my timetable, and supported it from the start. I know I'm lucky in this regard, and I don't pretend that my experience with my wife is in any way a universal experience. It breaks my heart to read stories from people who definitely did not have my positive experience.

    In determining my timetable, I asked myself a few questions (more than a few, actually). What exactly is motivating me to want or need to reveal my truth to others? How important is my desire to be authentic with friends and family compared to the pain and hurt others will feel when I reveal myself?

    In thinking about the timing of coming out to people (meaning now or say, 6 months from now or a year from now), I came to the conclusion that for everyone else, the timing is irrelevant, other than avoiding special occasions (birthdays, holidays, etc.) I certainly don't want my coming out to be over Thanksgiving dinner! I say irrelevant because for them, whether they are told now or a year from now, the shock, pain, confusion, anger, denial, understanding, acceptance and peace will be the same regardless of when they hear it. The only person who is truly affected by the timing is me. I'm the one who will have to continue to live this ungenuine life and pretending to be straight. So, all other things being equal, I'd rather begin that process earlier rather than later. Now that I've reached this stage of coming out (to myself, my wife, and some friends), I now feel that I've passed the point of no return.

    As for what is motiving me to reveal my truth, it is a mixture of things. My desire to be sexual with a man, not only for the sexual acts themselves but more the intimacy that has been severely lacking in my life. After I came out to myself two years ago, I found that I could no longer have sex with my wife. I tried to, but each encounter became more and more difficult for me to not only perform but feel positive with the intimacy. The other primary motivation is my specific desire to no longer hide myself.

    I have certainly found that the more people I come out to, the easier it is to do. Each coming out increases my comfort level and confidence.

    greatwhale: Thanks for your suggestion to check out Colage. I was aware of the site but hadn't yet checked it out. Since the site requires registration to even view material, for understandable reasons, I was reluctant to sign up just yet. I think I will now, though.
     
  11. ConsciousRose42

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    Hi I'm gay 47
    Thank you for sharing my story is so similar to yours in terms of the layers of denial
    I don't have children but I do believe that honesty is best - and of course telling them you love them the same no matter what
     
  12. Confused54

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    Thank you for sharing your story. I just dropped the bomb on my wife a few nights ago, at age 62. But I've actually mentioned my sexual attraction to men to her previously. We've been together about 35 years and I've had a few dalliances on the side, all one night stands. I'm not sure where we're going from here, but have asked for recommendations of a sexuality / couples therapist to help us get talking about it. It may help that we have 3 transgender friends, all in our approximate age group.
     
  13. I'm gay

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    What was your wife's reaction? I also told my wife about my attractions to men before we got married 20 years ago. I thought that I made it clear, but she doesn't recall it the same way I do.

    I'm fortunate in how this is proceeding because I didn't have any sex on the side but was faithful throughout our marriage. It does help me that I'm not also dealing with infidelity issues along with the coming out, divorce, etc.

    I do feel for you. The first week after coming out to her was gut wrenching for me. I thought that the coming out would be the hard part. It was, but I was unprepared for the following days.
     
  14. Confused54

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    We discussed the need to see a counselor/therapist to help us work through this. I was very down and feeling depressed (but likely NOT clinical depression) the evening I dropped the bomb. The conversation actually started with me admitting I'd been thinking about suicide techniques. I assured her I wasn't likely to act on those thoughts, but it wasn't the first time I'd thought about it. I'm generally a pretty positive person, so that was a bit of a shock, too.

    At this point we're continuing much as we have for the past several years. We don't talk about feelings much. Logic and scientific method are stronger than touchy-feely in our household.

    I don't want divorce. I'm not sure what she wants. Last night she said she'd been reading on a straight spouse network web page and asked me to read some of the stories, which I did. The stories were all over the place in terms of the end result. So there's a continuum of possibilities.

    I just feel I'm physically attracted to men, not so much emotionally. It doesn't help that sex isn't particularly important to my wife a decade after menopause.

    We'll take this one step at a time. It's hard to talk about it, with each other or with anyone else.
     
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  15. I'm gay

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    I totally feel for you. You say you don't want a divorce, but she also isn't interested in sex. Are you? If you are still interested in sex, you may need to consider whether she will be ok with opening your marriage to allow you to have the intimacy you desire or if she would expect total celibacy from you. For me, I knew before I came out to her that a divorce from her is the only way I can move forward. She and I were best friends from high school onward, so I truly believe that we can, after some time of healing, reach a point of co-parenting our children and remain best friends, just not as a married couple.
     
  16. Nickw

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    Confused54

    My wife is not interested in sex except as part of our marriage. So, we are learning to increase intimacy in less sexual ways and we have never been closer. BUT, she encourages me to exercise the gay aspects of my bisexuality in a number of ways. We guy watch together, I share my gay fantasies etc. she also encourages me to make gay friends and fool around with them within limits.

    Marriages can be anything you both want them to be. Toss out the social norms and figure out something that makes you both happy and fulfilled.
     
  17. I'm gay

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    Thank you Nickw. I'm gay, so I have less understanding of bisexual dynamics. You are right, of course, that marriage doesn't have to be narrowly defined and can be whatever the two agree upon together. The operative word here though is "agree." Please just be cautious against you agreeing to something out of your guilt that is not in your best interests. Each of us must determine what we are willing to do to be honest with ourselves, staying in a marriage or not, and coming to agreements with our partners/spouses on how the relationship moves forward. I only suggest that any decision you make, Confused54, is done not just for your wife but for your well-being too.
     
  18. Nickw

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    Very good point. One must be careful to be sure they get what they need. Sometimes we don't know what that is until we really understand
    Our sexuality. I always cringe when someone will write that they enjoy sex with men but could not be in a relationship with one. I hear this from a couple of my new friends who are staying married and not out. This is how they can be "bi".

    I am not convinced it works that way. In my case, I know I could have a committed relationship with a man. I can also with a woman so staying married works for me. Confused54, you may need to become more comfortable with being gay and become vulnerable with another man. You may really need that relationship with a man.
     
  19. I'm gay

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    I'm coming out to my kids Saturday after next. I'm getting more and more nervous as the date approaches. Most of the time I'm fine, but when I think about it, I start feeling the anxiety again. And, I can't not think about it.

    I'm not into taking pills for it. Anyone have anti-anxiety techniques they use?

    Thanks!
     
  20. Adray

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    Choosing a date, and sticking with it despite the anxiety, is what has worked for me. If I don't commit to a date specific, I tend to push it later.

    I'm still not fully out to family, so I'm with you to some extent. My goal for fully out is Sept 23.

    I wish you strength and calm. You are doing great so far, thanks for sharing your story.