Sex

It still freaks me out a bit. i still find its a bit weird...i think it has something to do with your own acceptance...i came out over a year ago..

 

After being in a committed and monogomous marriage for almost two decades (with no extra marital relations during that time), the thought of my first sexual same sex experience following coming out definitely made me anxious. By background, prior to my marriage as an adolescent I did have sex with guys (and girls). I think my pre marriage experiences, and the two decade exclusion of same sex relations, built up a massive amount of desire and nerves both at the same time.

I had a lot of questions in my head:

What have a I missed out on all these years?
I struggled with ED in the later years of my marriage given the secrets I was keeping, would the ED go away once I started same sex relations?
I lost interest in having penetrative sex, will I rekindle that now that I have accepted myself?
Never having bottomed even previously when younger, what if I bottomed and actually did not enjoy it? Will it hurt?
Will my sex partners enjoy having sex with me given my lack of experience?
Will I know what to do?
What's the chances of catching an STD, or even HIV?
And on and on and on.......

Well, one by one, as I explore my sexuality, I answered those questions and built confidence in myself. My early experiences following coming out were certainly clumsy, but I learned a lot along the way.

Have patience, relax and above all have fun!

 

There is definitely a period of adjustment as you get comfortable with the physical aspects of enjoying another man as well as the emotional aspects of being open and vulnerable with your partner.

Can you be more specific about your areas of discomfort? In a previous thread you posted that you are attracted to your BF ...

 

I had lots of issues about sex with a guy but I found everything went just fine and on my very first time my hormones took control and let me know what to do.
The first time I bottomed for a guy was challenging, but he did all the right things and it was an amazing experience - I was on a high for hours. So many guys, even gay guys, really have no idea about good sex and it's probably one reason why I find myself doing most of the work. My tips are: go slow, pleasure him and respond to his signals and then pleasure him even more, enjoy him and his body and find something about him which really turns you on and focus on that: it might be different things on different guys. Don't be afraid to ask if he's ok and likes what you're doing. If it's just a one-off encounter, the other guy might not reciprocate which can be frustrating. But I've had so many guys who really have no idea about how to make another guy feel good that I enjoy it more if I'm the one doing all the work. But I do wonder how they've gone through life and remained so lousy at something so fundamentally easy as giving pleasure to someone. So this works for vanilla sex of all kinds but of course not for kinky stuff, but I've never really got into the kinky stuff. And it always surprises me how the play rooms with slings and everything are always empty at my favourite sex place but the private rooms are always full of guys in pairs. So I think despite all the bragging, most gay guys really just want vanilla sex.
My tip is: trust yourself and focus on the other guy and his needs and try and forget all the gay porn as that isn't what it's like in real life. And focus on and have confidence in your ability to pleasure another person. Read up on tips and tricks, there are plenty out there. And take pride in your commitment to giving pleasure to others and take pleasure in that. Then you'll have nothing to worry about.

 

Your story mirrors mine in every sentence you wrote, including the fidelity in marriage part. It's one area where I'm glad that I was faithful (given the additional guilt issues a lot of guys face when coming out that I thankfully don't have) but is also making me very nervous about the future. I haven't been with a guy in over 27 years, and I'm frankly terrified about all of the questions you posed. Thank you for posting it. It does make me feel a little better thinking that I'll get through it and answer those questions for myself. One by one.

 

Hey Justasking100,

I was scared to death lol. I had never really been in to sex at all, and what if I hate it with guy? That's why I took time to find a new "friend". Someone I knew I could trust, that I would not be romantically involved with. I told him about my concerns and asked him to teach me. Literally, that's what I said. He laughed about the craziness of the request, but said sure. I was in control on what happened, so we only did what I requested. It might not sound romantic, but it to the pressure off. I was concerned about being bad, or having to stop. It was perfect for me. We still hangout, but it's easy. After the first time my exact words were, "yup I was born to be gay" lol

 

Oh yeah, I'm still trying to get comfortable with the idea. I have yet to have sex with another man, and I'm really nervous about it. Finding the right first partner worries me the most; just going out and finding a hookup isn't all that complicated, but would he want to take his time with me and coach me through it? That's what I don't know.

 

No right answer on this.

If you are terribly clear about what you want, you can probably find a guy via a hookup app that will take his time and coach you through it. This is likely to be lacking true connection, so it would be more about learning the mechanics.

There's another school of thought that you want this to be special, so you might want to wait until you find a FWB/BF via a dating or hookup site where you have more of a connection.

My first times (top, bottom) were with FWBs, so I find myself aligned with the latter camp.

 

Hey Crazydog

Of course my situation is unique. Being bi and married and looking for friends that want to fool around too. I have only been granted permission by my wife to do a limited amount of playing. So, I am pretty clear when I start talking to guys what my limits are.

I have only been doing this for a month or so. But, I have fooled around with a couple guys. Neither one had a problem with going very slowly. One turned into a pretty hot encounter that was very satisfying (even within my limits). There are lots of ways to have a good time without worrying about not having the experience with another man.

Make it fun most of all. It may help that I have been with a number of women. As it turns out, approaching the foreplay with a guy the same way as you would with a woman seems to be well received. Maybe there is too much emphasis in a lot of m2m encounters on the final act. These guys seemed to really like taking some time.

 

The *idea* of it came easily (no pun intended). I couldn't stop imagining what it would be like.

Becoming comfortable with my desires was not easy. They felt wrong, even though I knew they weren't. But, as comfort and self-acceptance increased, so too did desire.

The *reality* of it... that's more complicated. Figuring out how to navigate a new relationship takes time. There are many questions it makes sense to answer ahead of time, and everyone's questions will be different. I think it's important to take your time to really ponder your questions and figure out your desires. Then, find the situation that meets your needs.

I suspect that if/when sex happens, any awkwardness or mystery will only add to our pleasure. Plus, there's always the bonus of knowing practice will only make it better, right?