There's a woman I met recently, online. We hit it off right away. Exchanging 100 messages a day (mainly during the evening) and when we began talking, about 3-4 hours a night. She doesn't like hanging up (she's not rude about it, but gets very quick and one-wordy when I'm about to hang up) even though we talk as long as we do and sometimes when I try and hang up early, she says, I'm not done with you yet." I admit I haven't felt a strong connection to anyone like this for a very long time. I really enjoy our conversations, but we had a fight the other night and tonight she text messaged, asking me to please talk about it. I gave it a shot and found us rehashing the details. I was a lil' bothered by it because there were things I clearly stated and she answered (that night of our fight) only for her to backtrack on them today, insisting that she was tired, upset with me, and had a glass of wine with dinner. Other things, she didn't remember the way they happened and I'm very clear on. We began talking again and, I dunno, but it feels like she's very needy. Doesn't wanna hang up after 3-4 hours of talking, gets very quick and cold when we do have to hang up, and has recently began to ask that I not sleep with my husband. My husband and I are supposed to be in this trial separation thing, but he goes back and forth with it and I swishy-washy, just like when he "allowed" me to talk to women over the phone. She knows this and asked me to "please not sleep with him" because she's old-fashioned and she knows things happen between separated spouses (like sex). She and I haven't met yet. We do have a lot of communication, daily, and both to admit to feeling an intense connection immediately after we began speaking...but we haven't met yet. We do talk sexually and I admit that if there is any spark of attraction, I'd probably want to sleep with her (my first), BUT...are there too many red flags? Is this common between two women? I'm a little lost... My husband walked in the house today as I was speaking to her. He took one look at me, knew who I was on the phone with, and walked right back out of the house, slamming the door. I told her I had to go at this point, to avoid any drama between my husband and i, but she wasn't ready to let me go, she said. Eventually she did, admitting she didn't wanna let me go but didn't want drama for me either. My husband had just returned from the store to pick up some medicine for me and sometimes I feel like I"m being selfish about this. Is this way too much, too soon? I told her I can't be reassuring her about things all of the time, but she says she's the type of person who needs that. Ugh. We've only been talking a week, yet I know that I've talked to her more than ever other woman combined, however, it feels like a lot, very soon. Is this a typical dynamic between two women? Do you see huge red flags? Would you be weirded out about anything? Thanks!
I don't think being needy, and potentially controlling(on you wanting to get off the phone, or do things with your husband) is specific to any gender or orientation. Granted I haven't been privi to your long conversations, but if I were in your shoes I would be getting out of w/e kinda relationship it is. I don't do controlling, at all, might sound childish but as soon as someone/anyone tells me what to do, my immediate reaction is to do the opposite. And being needy, at first is kinda cute, or sweet, but before long it gets really old... And irritating, but again that's me.
A sudden, intense connection combined with trying to dictate your behavior ("I'm not done with you yet," not wanting you to talk with your husband despite the separation) sound like red flags to me, yes. It's possible that the events here are simply out of context, but even so, I think this is cause enough to reconsider how comfortable you feel around this person. If they're already trying to control what you do, that will probably increase with time, not lessen.
Yes I see red flags (based on info you provided here). No matter the details of your conversations, it seems very controlling for her to dictate you terms of your relationship with your (even separated) husband. Too soon, too much. Actually I would never be able to deal with someone telling me what to do (personal things wise..). I would be fair in relationship, but only at my own will and my own time. Also, difficult for me to say how it would feel having long conversations with a woman. However, no matter how nice they may be, anything consistently needy and controlling will suffocate me right away. I may sound like a selfish standoffish person, but I assure you I am not.. Anyone caring about me and our relationship will be happy with togetherness combined with space and respect. Maybe the answer here may be to slow down and not have her get used to 3-4 hrs a day every day. If you need to go or lighten up or busy, that would flip some people out due to habit and certain expectations set in place.
It's not a gender thing. I'm a woman and I'm introverted and want space. Usually after an hour of a hang out I'm all "Nope, I'm done". My best friend is also an introvert who needs space and I usually go a few days without talking to her, but our conversations are even longer when we feel like talking again. There are also super clingy and possessive men who don't leave their girlfriends alone. Either way this is a red flag and she's too controlling. She sounds straight out of high school in all honesty. You might have felt a connection at first, but this could turn unhealthy if you tried to pursue.
Another question is, is she consciously acting like that? Some people can act certain ways and never know about it because no one ever told them. Do you think you could talk about it with her? It would be a shame losing such a connection over something that might be workable.
I think this is what gets me, because I acted the way this woman is acting, with someone else last year and I didn't know I was acting this way. It was only in terms of wanting more and more contact, not asking her to not sleep with her husband. I think what bothers me the most is the asking me to not sleep with my husband, although he and I are trying this trial separation thing. I've only known her a week and we've never met. She still lives with her ex-girlfriend and I don't question that at all. It doesn't even cross my mind. Then there is her passive aggressive nature and need to be reassured. Along with some other things I didn't write in this post, but is in another thread. When we hung up the other night (as my husband walked in, saw me on the phone, shook his head, then walked back out of the house) is that I told her I had to go. She said she didn't want to, but I told her it was going to be drama for me and that I was tired. Then she asked me to text her, because I couldn't be on the phone. It was like 12:30am and I was tired. Eventually, she did say she didn't want drama for me and we hung up. Last night I decided to take a time-out from this. She's not in a good situation, I'm not in a good situation and this was a lot in a very short amount of time. I told her that I needed to take a break and maybe we could resume talking in a few months, like after the New Year, possibly. I did that to kinda hedge my bets, so she wouldn't freak out like we'd never talk again. Today, I am bummed out because I really did like her and we got along so dang well, but there's another part of me that is sincerely relieved because there were issues there. Ugh, I hope I made the right call. I also hope she's not upset.
