I think I am ready to come out to my wife

I recently came out to my husband. At first he was civil and fine with it. But now, since we are still living together until we each find a new place, it has become hard. There seems to be a lot of resentment... We both are unhappy now and living together has become unhealthy. We have a three year old so we are being as civil as we can. But he is playing the victim card, as if our whole marriage is gone because of me. He has cheated and emotionally abused me. I forgave him for the cheating because I loved him, so it hurts that he is acting this way. He has told me "there's nothing to work out if you are gay". I really hope your wife takes it better. If she is battling depression, I would definitely tell her easy. Maybe ask to go to a couples counseled to reveal it. I wish you luck with everything.

 

Is divorce your plan? If so, there is no reason to burden her with your cheating. When people do this, as they are exiting a marriage or relationship, it is like dumping your guilt onto her. You may do it to make yourself feel better (telling her) but it will further destroy her.

Your constant rejection is likely causing at least part of her depression. You need to tell her. And I think you need to be clear that the rejection of her is totally about you.

Offer to go to counseling with her, at least to get her started.

 

I came out to my wife a little over a month ago. just giving my experience I know everyone is different. but right in the beginning it was like all hell broke loose, she was angry, sad, explosive, and a whole lot more. If you want to look at my page i started a thread about it. (I came out to my wife) I put details in there. but just to notion what EAB91 says, If your wife is already dealing with depression you might want to go to a counselor to tell her. my wife got pretty suicidal after I told her, I had to call her family and make sure they were keeping a close eye on her. plus my therapist told me its extremely common, and gave me a number to a crisis center close by just in case. I cant give you good advice on the infidelity part as i didn't have that part to my story. but if you are already leaning toward divorce, you might not want to tell her just to keep it easy on her, because its already a hard situation, but on second note since you are being honest with her you might as well come clean. personally i would. but it will ultimately depend on the situation and what you feel is the right thing to do. I hope all goes well for you, best of luck and a hug. (*hug*)

 

oldpulteney, I can only tell you what has and is still happening to me . My wife found out and she was PISSED right off the bat . She is OK with it one minute then ready to fight and go for blood . She has every right to be mad at me and she feels like it is her fault that I am gay . I keep trying to tell her I was this way long before I met her but she does not believe me . Every day is a new day around my house and I never know what to expect ,on one hand I am glad I told her and got everything out in the open and on the other hand I wish I did not have to tell her and we could have went on with out lives.
I messed up and cheated and got caught because I got an std from the guy. I am clean now and I have not been with another since then . I am trying to figure out what I am going to do next . I wish you all the best of luck .

 

I absolutely agree that telling her of your infidelities is pointless and cruel. It will only really serve your interests in unburdening yourself, and will do nothing to help her. You can reconcile that later when she has healed from this, or never if that works for you too.

I came out to my wife two months ago. I am two weeks away from coming out to my kids, then other family and friends. Once I reached self-acceptance of my sexuality, almost immediately I felt an overwhelming urge to come out. Publicly, to everyone, and just come clean with all who know me. The urge was so strong I was ready to put it on Facebook and tell all. Thank God I came to my senses before I outed myself any further than my wife. I really needed the time to figure myself out, and the last two months have helped me and my wife come to terms with me coming out, us divorcing, and me moving out.

One of the things I learned from her after we really began talking about it was that she had a different interpretation of our lack of sex than I did. Of course, I knew why I didn't want to have sex with her and avoided it, but she didn't. Instead, she internalized it and thought she was the reason I was no longer interested in her sexually. Oh my God! What else was she supposed to think? I see it now so clearly, but I didn't then. Her internalized shame dealt with being too fat, too ugly, too old, too -whatever the self-critique of the day. Don't you see? For those of us gay married men who avoid sex with our wives, we end up (unwittingly) harming their self-esteem and doing as much damage to them as being in the closet does to us.

I can't promise you that it will be an easy journey for you to come out to your wife, and perhaps others, but I ended up in the final analysis before coming out to her asking myself this fundamental question: I have perhaps 30 years left of my life left (I'm 47). Is where I'm at now as a closeted married man with no sex life how I want to spend the remaining years of my life? Once I answered that question, ALL of the other questions fell like dominoes. Incredibly difficult: You bet. Will I? I have to. I simply have to.

One last thing - and I say this all who believe that a married gay man with children is "abandoning" his family by coming out and divorcing: I AM NOT ABANDONING MY FAMILY! The only thing I'm really abandoning is a marriage. A marriage that doesn't work anymore because I can no longer sustain a false intimacy. But I haven't stopped being a father to my kids or a life-partner with my soon-to-be-ex spouse.

I wish you luck. Please keep reading EC and posting with us. I believe we can help heal each other through our forum therapy.

 

I have been where you are, and I wanted to tell you that you are brave enough to do this, and to face the things that happen as a result of coming out. It is not an easy road to walk, but living an authentic life is worth it. And you are brave and strong.

It gets better. It really does. I think of my "coming out" moment as the moment my whole world burst wide open. Everything I knew was laying behind me, and in front of me was a wide open future with countless possibilities. It is SO scary, but it is worth it. And it gets so much better.

 

I plan on doing the same soon so I can't give you advice there but guys I've come to know all typically say it gets better. It sounds like you are right there and ready.

Regarding infidelity I would not tell her if can. Why add that pain? If she presses you for "How do you know if you havnt been with a guy?" a good answer is how did you or does anyone know they are straight when they are 12,13 or 14 years old. At least we have a decent excuse of hiding and denial for obvious societal reasons etc. Additionally I worked through therapy to finally confirm what I knew deep down about being gay.

I also am hoping my wife gets to therapy before I tell her. Heck she might even figure it out there. If she does then she'll have and immediate place to go when I tell her.

Good luck and keep posting!

 

If you tell her about the infidelity as you are exiting the marriage, you are adding layers of pain. Do you want to do that? If you are planning a MOM then you have to tell her and give her the choice of staying with you or not.

Who has the immigration issues? You or her?