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my life sux after coming out. could use advice, hug, anything.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Bluesteel, Aug 14, 2016.

  1. Bluesteel

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    I should probably lean on this forum more then I have, truth be told I've been kind of isolating myself since coming out. I feel maybe I wasn't fully prepared to deal with the aftermath of coming out, my wife has left me as well as the kids. but I do see them on weekends. I love my wife and I think that is one of the hardest parts for me, I keep crying to her everyday to take me back. but for obvious reasons she wont. I just cant seem to move past our relationship. this honestly the first true heartbreak I've had in my life and it is painful.

    On top of that my living situation is crappy. so I moved in with my dad a year ago to help him out financially, and he is unfortunately irresponsible and is losing his home. so now I have to move, plus move all of my family's stuff which even looking at it makes me sad. plus the house is like my childhood home, so its causing a different type of heartbreak. it feels like the only stability I had is gone.

    My family (outside of my wife and kids). has truly not been there for me, of course they say they all love my an accept me, but they never ask how I'm doing or talk about what I'm going through. they just want to know when I'm getting back with my wife. and then my mom is the worst she still is trying to fix me, and wants me to go to church more, like that's going to help. the only family that is there for me is my in-laws but to say the least its awkward given the circumstances.

    I have no real friends which really sux, so I feel even more isolated and kinda socially awkward now. the only people I do talk to is at work and I'm not out at work, nore do I want to be. so I cant talk to them about what's going on. which basically leaves me to talk to you guys on EC. which is cool I love you guys. but beyond that I downloaded a dating app exclusively just to talk to people and meet friends and I made that clear, but once I start talking to these people and tell them my situation they all stop talking to me. I feel like an outcast on there I'm in my late 20s going through divorce from a straight relationship, with kids. not exactly popular in the gay community. where the heck am I supposed to meet people like you guys? I know your out there but where do I find you?

    Needless to say all of this has been compounding in my life and I'm extremely depressed. worse then before. the only person there for me is my "ex" because she is the only person I talk to, but it only gets me so far. talking to my therapist helps and she has given me suggestions on what I can do, plus I'm starting antidepressants. but I'm so depressed sometimes I cant really function. I feel like an empty shell of a person. like I'm just going through the motions of everyday life but nothing is really there. sorry if I sound like a Debbie downer, but I just needed to vent.
     
  2. faustian1

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    Well Mr. Downer, look at some of things you're doing right. First, you're (wisely) not leaning on work to find friends. Friendship can be situational, but that's the wrong situation for most of us. And then, you doubt the effectiveness of those apps you downloaded. Of course people stop talking to you (usually). They want sex, without the bother of conversation. You want the reverse (mostly). In other words, you're depressed, but you're still thinking. While these two situations could statistically yield good friendships, you probably could find better odds elsewhere, which you obviously know.

    You did recently blow up the life that offered stability, but it wasn't tolerable for you to stay in that life. The one thing you might not have blown up properly is assuming the responsibility for how other people feel. I know this is difficult, because being gay "caused" (for example) your mother to want to "cure" you. A part of any mother's son would nag at him, that this might be his fault. These relationships are most likely salvageable, but it's going to take time, and you don't have the energy for a co-dependent circus right now. I'm not suggesting you reject your mother. What I'm suggesting is a long process of redefining your relationship, which at the moment you don't have the stamina or ideas to accomplish.

    It does sound like your ex is trying to be understanding. She hasn't rejected you completely. But of course there's a big limit to how far that can go, too.

    What comes out to me in what you wrote is your desire for stability and anchors. Your childhood home is being liquidated, which matters to you. And, despite your attempted rescue of your father from his irresponsibility (financial?), he still screwed up. If any of his problems are due to substance abuse, the "co-dependent" reference above is even more important.

    If you're going to worry about how people feel, I'd reserve that for your kids. Try to make sure they don't feel cast adrift, if you can. Beyond that, you need some productive social things to take up your time. I've suggested PFLAG groups to other people. If you can, find a local group and go to their meetings. It might lift you up to hear how parents and relatives of queer people are trying to be supportive and defending them.

    One thing I'm not expert on is meeting and making friends with a lot of gay people. It is interesting that, by accident, one of my better platonic friends is a gay male in a committed relationship. Try putting yourself in social situations, without necessarily focusing on whether people are gay or not. Just pick social venues that have a high probability of attracting gay people. Progressive causes, charities of a certain sort, and so on.

    Since one of your big problems is the lack of stable social anchors due to the changes in your life, the main advantage of occupying yourself with activities that have regular meetings is that it will give you a sort of anchor. Try to focus on things that might ultimately allow you to develop some "synthetic relatives" (a delightful phrase coined by author Kurt Vonnegut).

    Prioritize you goals carefully. Start with the important stuff, and leave the rest for awhile.

    Oh, and one last edit. Here's a virtual hug: (((( ))))
     
    #2 faustian1, Aug 14, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2016
  3. Nickw

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    Hi Bluesteel

    I don't really have much to offer besides what Faustian mentioned. All great advice. I might reinforce the idea of concentrating replacing some of your anchors as he mentioned. Maybe consider some sort physical activity or sport that you can find some release and distraction. I use my biking and I put in hundreds of miles in my angst before coming out.

    Know that we all pulling for you. Take it one step at a time.
     
  4. GayPugs

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    Aw gee well that sucks. I can't give you a whole lot of advice...I'm a teen who's not close to even THINKING about getting married. First of all, I suggest a GAY dating app because they exist and more people there will understand what you're going through, second you do need to make some friends. Maybe if you have a close friend at work you could invite them over to dinner and tell them about your problem? I dunno. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here.
     
  5. Bluesteel

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    I would agree, i have been keeping my distance as best as i can from her. even my therapist reminds me I cant carry there emotions to. its just hard when its your mother and I've always been close with her

    She took it hard at first, but she has really come around, she's trying to be there for me as a friend. best that she can be. I can sometimes be insensitive about her loss too. because I lean on her too much for support because she's the only one there for me.

    I do want stability in my life more then ever. I have nothing to grab onto so to speak. I'm the type of person that when i get overwhelmed with life, i basically shut down and can't deal with anything. (ex. depression) my dad though doesn't use anything. but he's not exactly on planet earth so to speak, he's mentally capable of living normal life. but he's just not all "there". when I first came out to him I told him that I went through a point in my life where i was suicidal and just wanted to die. and he told me "I always thought you were going to die before me, the (spirits) told me" :eek: WTF? who in there right mind says that to their kid? needless to say I keep my distance from him as much as I can.

    I do my best to put on a happy face for my children. they already have enough to worry about as kids then for them to be worried about me. the closest PFLAG to me is 60 mi away I've looked at their website but haven't gotten much further then that. though i know I need to. and the same goes for getting out and really doing anything social. but this depression is kicking my butt. I don't want to even leave my house. which is why I'm getting back on the meds. my therapist says it should be enough to at least want to get out. I'm not trying to make excuses. and I know no body can truly help me unless I help myself first. I just hate dealing with all these emotions, I just can't handle them well. I will do my best to prioritize my goals. thank you so much for the advice and Hug.

    NICKW,
    I have been trying to be at least a little more active. especially since I've been looking at hotties online and i feel like a blob lol. I know It's what I should be doing. instead of drinking every night. I need to stop this destructive behavior. at least I can admit its the wrong way to deal with all this. but again thank you.

    Gaypugs,
    thank you for the advice as well.
     
  6. ConsciousRose42

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    Hi blue steel I can relate to what you are going through
    I came out of hetro relationship last yr - it does get easier ! But the grieving is needed and is perfectly normal - I went through the 'oh my god what have I done' 'I've lost xyz ' ' I miss him he was my best friend ...

    It's a very brave and the right thing to do for us but also hard to deal with the emotion

    For me I joined a lgbt group on 'meet up ' it is a really good app for meeting like minded people and going out and doing different things ...
    I'm not into dating apps or anything like that ...

    It feels lonely now but it will change over time
    Be kind to yourself - u are not a freak it just may feel like that at times
     
  7. mvp 447

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    I'm very sorry that you're having such a tough time. I'm in the same boat, health wise though, not coming out. Everyone here loves and supports you. Don't feel like a baby because you cry or need moral support. It's okay. I'm here for you, man.

    I was tortured hiding being bi for nearly 30 years, and also had repressed memories of sexual abuse. Now the latter is coming to the surface, but in with my health severe health probs and it's really throwing me for a loop. If you need someone to talk to, just pm me. My wife would be more than supportive too.

    I love you like the brother you are to me. Anyone who has had to go through this IS in the same family, period. I was 100% sure my stepdad, closest to a real father I've had, and brother would never speak to me again. I was just pleasantly surprised and lucky on those, but was prepped for the worst. It's a nightmare, I get it.

    And for your "wife" to immediately toss you out like an old dish rag, fk her. Sorry if that's harsh but too bad, you've had to hide a deal with a major secret and the stress therefrom for 30 years and her few months of a tough time is so much? I'd say piss off to anyone who's a dick to you.
     
    #7 mvp 447, Aug 15, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 15, 2016
  8. TravelerMe

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    Bluesteel my heart goes out to you man. I've been through some similar things including a similar childhood home event.

    Sounds like you know what you're up against but it's like trying to swallow an elephant; where do you begin? It's too much at once so just try one thing at a time. And take care of yourself with little things. Just go enjoy a meal, a walk or go to a museum or something.

    Exercise has given me something to hold on to and helped my depression. I figured it was one thing I could totally control and getting back in shape has been a great project where I could see the results.

    And that thing your Dad said sounds just like something my Dad said once WTF is right!

    Just keep posting and keep talking to everybody here. Hugs
     
  9. Tomás1

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    Bluesteel: you need to search for your soul, pay attention to it, & to your intuition.

    Your story has no mention of soul. You need to find it, embrace it, & use it as your guiding force. It's the most authentic thing you have.
     
    #9 Tomás1, Aug 15, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 15, 2016
  10. ThatGirlShauna

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    Someone else mentioned an lgbt "meetup" group, and I suggest that as well. Create your "tribe" of people who will be there for you to support you and who can help fill the empty places.

    It's REALLY hard not to have an emotional support system when you are going through such a huge life change. Counselling is good, but friends are even better. Reach out, there are people around you who will help.

    You're not doing anything wrong. This is HARD. This is the hardest time of your life. You are a strong person for getting this far. Look at all you have gotten through! And you are still here. Still strong enough to face the next challenges. Hang in there.
     
  11. Highlander2

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    Hi Bluesteel. I'm in my early 40's and did a very similar thing to you about 3 years ago. My journey to where I am is extremely well documented (!) in a couple of threads.

    I completely understand where you are just now. In my case I loved my wife, but at that point just not in the way that a husband should and I eventually had a realisation why. It devastated her, but 3 years later she is my best friend. I have two kids as well.

    Treat her like a friend - show that you are there always for the kids and for her, the husband she had without the intimacy, but maintain some distance emotionally from her. It sounds like she still wants you close, and you can be but there will always be a barrier there. She knows that you are gay and that a relationship between you and her can never be what she would want it to be. My ex wife took months (maybe even a year) to accept that and would've taken me back regardless.

    I tried to be present for my kids - spending time with them, having them all round for dinner, showing that I still cared for them all and tried to do the right thing all the time for them. It's what has got me and her and them to where we are now.

    For you, you need to get yourself back onto an even keel. Anti depressants suck, but when you hit rock bottom and can't stop crying and don't know why, you need something to help you straighten out (no pun intended).

    Start small - go for walks if you can and just take time to think about yourself. Treat yourself to a coffee and read of the newspaper, or read a book; go to the cinema (yes, alone if you have to - I went for the first time in my life earlier this year...at 43); go to meet up groups that have similar guys there. Go for the company and friendship, not the hook ups.

    Dating apps are good at times, but when you are in the mindset you are, you are lining yourself up to get majorly hurt buddy. I've been there and while it satisfied the craving to hold a guy, feel wanted and get some basic man on man action, it only served to make me feel even emptier and unfulfilled while I was in the downturn.

    It's about looking after yourself and making sure that you have stability and an environment in which you can consciously make decisions about the future.

    Advice about exercise is also good - even just a brisk walk, light jog, bike ride, swim a couple of times a week will help boost the mood, and ultimately make you feel better about yourself.

    It took me to break up with my ex bf this year to realise that I don't need anyone to be happy. I can be happy being single (not alone, not 'on my own'- it's an important distinction in my mind) - and I am loving being single. Yeah, I am dating a guy and he is lovely and I hope that the four dates we've been on lead to more, but if it doesn't it doesn't.

    A year ago I would NEVER have had that outlook. But looking after myself and taking care of myself and my mental health has been the single most important thing I could do.

    It's easy to say to worry about the things you can control. Right now, probably the only thing you have control over is yourself and the relationship you have with your wife and kids. Where you live is also a priority. Put that front and centre and just be there for yourself and them, and get yourself fixed. Worry about the rest of things later. Keep the relationship going with your inlaws if you can. The fact that they still want contact with you is incredibly positive.

    If you want to PM me and chat more, feel free.

    H
     
  12. BenFreeman

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    Is there something you can do as a hobby that will make you feel better without having to focus on the relationships in your life? hiking? art? something you enjoy...something that will centre you. You need a break....for now just be...the rest will come..
     
  13. nerdbrain

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    Hey Bluesteel,

    Just wanted to let you know I'm going through a very similar situation. Separated from my wife 2 years ago and still stuck in life. Haven't been able to make gay friends, despite living in NYC. My ex wife is my best friend, but it's very touchy at times and I still feel a lot of guilt.

    First thing's first -- you need to go get your meds. In my case, when I start to go off them, things get worse. You need all the help you can get right now, and this one is easy. Take care of it.

    Exercise is another good idea. So is finding a hobby or pursuit. The important thing is to start building routines so your life has some structure.

    And yes, it's time to start trying to make some gay friends. I don't know if you are still struggling with self-acceptance (as I am), but if that's not a major issue for you, there are lots of ways to meet people.

    You don't have to tell anyone your whole sad story. You get to decide how much to reveal, and when. Talk about something else, ask questions, say something funny.

    Anyway, I'm much better at giving advice than taking it :slight_smile:

    Good luck man!
     
  14. Bluesteel

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    I'm sorry I don't have the time right now to write everyone a reply. But wow thank you everyone who as responded and given me such awesome advice. I've been doing okay the past few days. I have taken note that getting my priorities straight will help me to get moving. So first things first I started packing my house up. I need to find a place to live before it's too late. But thank you ConsciousRose42 for suggesting "meetup" I had never heard of it before so I checked it out. And I'm already going to an LGBT meetup on Saturday. I've never heard of such an app I'm so thankful for it thank you. I still have an extremely long way to go. And alot to do, I just want to thank everyone for your support and advice it means the world to me. I'll keep everyone posted as I go down this road.
     
  15. TravelerMe

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    It's a difficult time for you so interacting any way through "meetup" and the like can be very helpful; and of course on EC.

    How did your LGBT meetup go you had planned?
     
  16. Bluesteel

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    It went ok. Not entirely what I expected. But honestly I'm not really sure what I expected. It was nice to get out of the house and have coffee, but apparently all I do is attract the weirdos. I got stuck with a man trying to pitch me his church he goes to and it basically turned into him hitting on me for 45 min, which was really awkward. There seemed to be cool people there but I didn't get around to meeting much of them. The only other person I talked to was an older gentlemen who struggled with being gay and came out after college. And moved out to LA to live his life. Which we had a great conversation. And I enjoyed it. But truth be told I felt like a sap telling him my sad story. And he was supportive. Which I much appreciated. But at the end I just realized I'm still struggling with my own internal problems and can't seem to accept myself. And I keep feeling sorry for myself. So why would anyone want to be around someone like me? It's hard to make friends when your depressed. Because your not really yourself. He suggested going to the Los Angeles LGBT center. Which I saw online they have a workshop for men on coming out. I think I might get ahold of them. I need something IRL To help me out. I hate feeling like this all the time.

    ---------- Post added 22nd Aug 2016 at 05:19 PM ----------

    The truth is I know your right. After coming out I've had to take a hard look at myself and try to understand who am I? What am I doing here? I don't really know who I am. That's the problem I've been looking back on my life and realized. All I've ever really done is float thru life And let others tell me what I'm supposed to do. And how to live. I need to find my soul and purpose. But how am I supposed to do that? I can barely get out of bed right now. Which I'm hoping the antidepressants start working soon. Because I hate this.
     
  17. TravelerMe

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    Well the meetup is a huge step. You may have gotten more out of it than you realize at the moment. About 8 months ago I found a small support group that is for gay married/divorced men and at first I didn't realize how great it was just to be there; now I cant wait to get there and share and support. Maybe the LGBT center can find something like it for you.


    Understanding who you are and your purpose is hard when you just float thru life as you say is tough but requires action and reflection. Meeting more and more people now, therapy, support groups, social events, EC etc. are key. I'm still searching but I'm learning more and more from those further down the road than me.
     
    #17 TravelerMe, Aug 23, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 23, 2016
  18. Bluesteel

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    I'm at the point where I do need to take action. I hate making excuses why I shouldn't. I know you haven't fully come out yet. But your strength inspires me to keep pushing forward. Thank you.
     
  19. EmH25

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    I am sorry about all the trouble ur having...i too don't really have friends that understand only difference is right now I'm single but they accept me right now.....well because i am not w a woman if i was well my friends wouldn't talk to me