I'm still alive

Hey, friends.

Thanks for the wall posts. I didn't mean to ghost on you. Right now, rather than coming out type issues being the most pressing thing, productivity at work is kind of the most pressing thing. I've been on a kind of unofficial probation at work, and I'm trying to do a consistantly good job to get off of that so that they will be willing to assign me new cases. Several of my cases are about to close, and I'll be up financial shit creek if I lose 1/3 of my billing with my supervisor still unwilling to give me new ones. So, anyway, I've been lurking around a good but, but just not posting, cuz, time management is a thing?

Today I need to write about my college roommate. So, book mark in that. I'll be back for that shortly, I hope.

 

Ok. I'm not sure how much I've posted before about my college roommate, "B". I probably have posted about her before, but that's probably buried waaaay deep in the pages of threads, so I'll summarize whatever you need to know for this to make sense.

First, I'm not really sure what I need to write. I just know that the last couple of days I've been sad and down and stuck, and she's been coming to mind really frequently. Every hour or two, something else will remind me of her.

Basically, I didn't have the words for it at the time, but Iwas totally in love with my college roommate. And I didn't understand that it waas weird that I constantly wanted my hads all over her aand that I wanted to cuddle and stare into her eyes and all the things. I've joked a lot that straight best friends don't share a twin bed.

I think that maybe my sophomore year I started to understand that I was gay, but I kept shoving it down. I went to this tiny Baptist-affiliated liberal arts college. I got called into the technology director's office when I was looking up lady porn. Itried to say that it was all those crazy pop ups. Well, there were crazy pop ups, but it's not like that happend when Iwas just looking up pictures of baby farm animals being cute. So, concervative religious environment, policing technology access even in your own room, shaming of even heterosexual expression. There was a combination of policies on campus that was basically you had to live in the dorm until you were 21 or a senior by hours unless you were living with your parents, and also you couldn't be openly gay and live in the dorms. So, if you were under 21 and were out, theoretically you woudln't be allowed to go to school there. ... So, no wonder I kept shutting the closet door on myself. Padlocked from the inside, because the world, safe in many ways, was not safe about this.

B's mom would say "Good ships are built in safe harbors," and that our little college was a very emotionally safe place that helped us to develop very well. That was true in a lot of ways, except for the sexuality stuff. No wonder I feel so emotionally stunted. Was there anywhere I felt safe about this?

At one point our senior year, during a spell where I was fairly out to myself but no one else (straight friends don't masturbate in the twin bed with their sleeping roommate after getting no-panty flashed while she was getting into bed), B said to me, "I'm really glad we go to a Christian college, otherwise everyone would think we are lesbians." I was like, "Yeah.... they would think that." I miss the physical contact Ihad with her, and the emotional safety and sense of acceptance, and how she is strong in a lot of the areas where I struggle (organization, time managment, etc) so being around her helped me regulate myself in those ways.... But, yeah, Ireally miss holding someone's hand, cuddling, pretty much cuddling down the sidewalk like a four legged lady monster. And, often, I was in such denial to myself about it, I didn't even feel guilty. "This is what friendship is supposed to be," she would say. So, of course. She says it, it must be true, right?

I was in a similar religious closet for three years after college when I lived and worked at a Christian group home for teen girls. Iwas really scared that being outed would get me fired and homeless in one fell swoop. I don't know if that's true, but it was certainly possible. I was still paranoid about my internet usage, since the wifi belonged to work, though I don't know how tech savvy they were to check up on me. Iwas even afraid to look at religious sites about homosexuality and conversian therapy and shit like that.

So, when I went to graduate school and was finally out from under the thumb of Baptist-dom, my same sex attraction busted loose like those joke Snakes In A Can. It exploded in my life, and I could barely think about anything else. I had lived far away from B for years, but we were still close. I was talking to her almost everything, but not this. I was trying to figure out how to foillow my religion's rules while accepting that being attracted to women was the truth about myself. I took a big trip over the summer, sent B a big care package from my trip, and a cople weeks later I sent her a facebook message saying Icouldn't talk to her for a while because I was working things out. I was kind of rude in it, and I had given her no warning. I was her best friend who suddenly dumped her. At the time, I thought I couldn't be her friend without loving her and wanting to be with her, and I felt like that was a sin. And I felt like if I explained what was going on, her sexually naiive self would somehow start questioning her orientation, and Ifelt like if she figured out that she were gay and embraced that, Iwould have somehow lead her into sin, even if we never actually had sex. Ididn't want to tell her the truth, because I somehow thought that would be bad for her. Who I was, I somehow thought would be bad for her. Sin is poison, and I am poison, and if I share my real self, people would sin and be poisoned? So I have to keep myself bottled up for their protection? So that then nthe only person who knows the poisonous truth is me???

Not quite true. I had come out to several church people at that point, but not out as gay, more out as painfully tortured by same sex attraction. I felt horrible about myself. I did a fair bit of binge drinking at that point, and I watched a lot of pretty degrading porn, now that I finally had internet of my own and not monitored by Big Brother Jesus. It made me feel icky. My church friends were simultaneously supportive and kind and wanted to help me live in accordance with the Bible, and also they were subtlely shaming and toxic. They acknowledged how hard this path was, but no one ever really appologized for holding me or gay people to some standard more than what they held their straight selves to. THat has been a hard thing, the simultanious kindness and toxic message.

Maybe that's it. Their message was toxic poison, and the message was basically that Iwas poison. I was poisoned with the belief that I was poison.

I remember seeing those little rainbow stickers on faculty office doors on campus in grad school. THey said "Safe Space" on them. But, to me, that meant they weren't a safe space. There was no where that I could feel safe. If Iwent to a rainbow sticker door and spoke to a professor, they would tell me to get rid of my religion and acccept myself and get a girlfriend..... right?? And at church, it seemed safe, but it wasn't. I think to feel safe in all of these religious spaces, I accepted the safe front and went into deep denial about all the things that were acutally unsaafe.

B always had this sense of home around her. She grew up in a wonderful home. Her house was great, and so were her parents, mostly. (Her dad's faults and mine are similar.) I loved being around B because it was like she was the embodiment of that line from that hymn, "No more a stranger, nor a guest, but like a child at home." She had this calm presence that just helped you feel safe and warm and ok. But, still, there was part of me that felt conflicted and unsafe there. Like a child at home, who is ignoring the monster locked in the closet. Like a child at home, pretending that she is not a bad person. Like a child at home, who worries she will destry those she loves the most just because of who she is. Like a child at home, who worries that she will destroy her home if she admits how loved and safe she feels hear. If she speaks, the home will crumble..... ???

B always had this dream of our friends living together in a victorian mansion. She called it Joyous Guarde. She made up stories about us there. I loved and hated her vision of the place. I was worried to follow her dream of basically setting up our own commune. I wanted to follow her after college, but I was scared to. At the time, I would have said that Iwanted to be my own person, not be her shadow. I think really, Iwas afraid of the intesity of my feelings for her, worried the feelings would not be returned, not sure if Icould live in my closet if the one Iloved was just on the other side of the door. I needed to load my closet in my station wagon (pretty literally) and move in the opposite direction from her if Iwanted to try to keep the door shut. Ineeded to barracade my closet closed by surrounding myself with religious work and religious people and religiously monitored internet.... And when I went to grad school and lost that structure, it didn't take long for me to realize that to keep my closet door shut, Ineeded to cut her out of my life entirely.

So sad. So unesseccary in hind sight. Stupid religion.

The thing is, at the time I sent her that brusk facebook message, I thought Iwould need, like, six months to work through my "stuff"and then I could be her friend again. What did I think was going to happen in six months? Was Igoing to work through my mother issues that I thought were at the root of my same sex attraction? Did I think Iwas going to be cured? ... I didn't say that, but, I think that's what Ithought. Then I kept being astounded at how deep and complex the "roots"of my same sex attraction were. (How could I not see that they were deep becaue they are a key part of who I am? Not some scab covering an exterio wound. Something core, central.) So, I guess, Inever really got cured. I never really stopped loving her. Inever responded to her messages.

I need to go into an appointment soon, and Ishould think about something else for a couple minutes.... She wrote me recently, though, on pinterest. Breaks my heart. Again. More.

Now I wonder if coming out to her would look like I'm trying to break up her young marriage. Idon't know.

I had a dream once that I explained the whole thing to her husband. It was such a relief.

I'm glad Isee my therapist tonight. Iwant to figure out if Iwant to tell her, or contact her somehow. Maybe a letter. She likes letters. Who knows where she lives.... lots of people, actually. Getting her address would not be hard.... not having awkward conversations about her address would be hard.

Ok, gotta go. .... Going to be ok.

 

Imgay47, I guess part of what I need to realize for myself is that I'm not responsible for her, that it's not my job to keep a secret in order to protect her. Also, that being gay or bi is not a thing that is bad so that she would need to be protected from it. And, if she loves her husband and is attracted to him and is happy with him, questioning her sexuality shouldn't be the worst thing anyway. I think some of the ladies here would think that if she's going to have some revalation about her sexuality, maybe better to do that sooner than later? Either way, she's not my responsibility.

I had a really good session with my therapist last night. I was sad and cried a lot. It felt like, just grieving, greiving that I feel like religion put these rules on me that were really stupid, and by following them Iwas dishonest with myself, dishonest with my best friend, pushed my best friend away, missed out on the opportunity to tell her Iwas in love with her and see if anything came of it. Kind of mad at fundamentalism, I guess. I know that I was trying to have integrety and make choices according to my values. But, in retrospect, I regret it. I don't regret my choices as much as I regret the system that I bought into. I'm sad and mad that the system exists that tells us this is bad.

Last night I found this article online that told me about how the Christian college I went to applied for this waiver that allows them to discriminate against people, like, for being gay or being pregnant and not married or being single moms or whatever. The president said that they just applied for their waiver because their attorney thought it was a good idea for maintaining their Christian identity as a school and they didn't plan to discriminate against anyone. It made me really mad, though, to see written down that my home state awarded my alma mater the right to discriminate against me and so many other people. It's so, like, mysogenist and biggoted. Grr.

I think.... I also have some mixed feelings about that B was one of those people who was really nice and made me feel safe but still said things that made me feel un-safe around my sexuality or talking about it with anyone. Like, in retrospect, I can't really think of anyone who was going to love me no matter what, no matter what my choices were, whether choices from religion or choices to acknowledge that I'm gay. I still kind of wonder, who would love me no matter what. I don't know. I have had a lot of fear about what people would think or say. I think a couple of my friends would have cared about me no matter what. Actually, one of my coworker friends (who is gay), he accepted me no matter what. Icame out to him when Iwas trying to stay Christian and celebate, accepted my story, was very respectful, even though Iwas a smidgen shamey to him for giving in to the gayness. And when Ire-came out to me, all he said was that he had wondered for a week or two if that was bothering me again, and he hasn't be shamey at all since I re-came out. I'm glad he's a friend who has respected my choices all along. I think several of my friends now would have respected me all along.... it's not as bad as I worry it is. Maybe other people would have loved me no matter what, too. I kind of wonder if my church mentor lady would shame me for coming out and trying to date. She really is a nice lady. .... I haven't talked to her since like October... I wonder what would happen if Ijust sent her a message or something and asked. Idon't know....

I guess what I want right now is, like, to feel like my closet life and my out of the closet life are connected. I want to feel like the people Ihave kind of cut off in order to come out at least have a chance to accept me or reject me, I guess.

I don't know when, but I want to send B a letter, I think, explaining what happened. I don't know. I'll probably write it a few different times. Maybe I'll share it here.

I'll ponder more about if I want to send a message or email or something to mentor lady or people from my old churches. I don't know. I probably will, but I'm not ready yet. I'm closer to being ready to send B a letter, though, I think.

Maybe I'll procrastinate work by working on a draft of that.

 

Haha, I really like the rainbow diploma idea! Its kind of extra funny to me because that lives in my office / guest room, so when my parents visit, a rainbow would be looking over them in their sleep. its in a nice frame that dad bought me. Maybe a rainbow above it, lol, or a rainbow poster behind/around it.

 

Thanks, friends.

I am really, really sad right now. I think im more in touch with how much I miss her. And how much I have missed out on with her. I wish my feelings had an off switch, or at least a volume control.

And, why the hell do I keep smelling moth balls in my room? Am I smell hallucinating?

 

A nap, pancakes, and a shower helped me feel better. Like 7/10, up from, like 3.5/10. Gotta keep moving.

I really hope I meet someone I can build something really great with. Maybe.

Ive been messing with a dating app lately. Cool that there are so many people on it, lots of ladies. Ive had good conversations (text not phone) with a few. It's fun, anyway.

I kinda think that is what triggered thinking/grieving B. I feel like I just got dumped, though I've not talked to her for years and we were never technically together.

Sad. But, at least I'm clean and smell better.

 

On Wednesday I drafted a lot of a letter to her. I felt like doing that freed me up to be a regular human for the rest of the week and be more productive. I was using a cranky old laptop, and it froze when I was almost at the end. I haven't really worked on seeing if the file is recoverable or not. I hope it is. I talked about it in therapy last night. I think I will send some version of it to her. I need to feel like there is closure. I also feel like my lack of explanation is kind of being a perpetual asshole to her, and one of my only spiritual principles now is "Don't be an asshole," do leaving this undone feels untrue to myself. A goal for today should be to negotiate with granny laptop about the file.

---------- Post added 23rd Aug 2016 at 07:24 AM ----------

As far as her orientation, she used to present as asexual, though we didn't have that word at the time. I doubt she's fully straight. Some of the things that apply to me also apply to her. Like, straight friends don't share a twin bed. It's possible that she somewhat just enjoyed the attention I gave her, but, yeah, not 100% straight. Which is one reason I haven't wanted to tell her. But, yeah, not my job.

Thanks for your response, friend. Thanks for putting up with my marathon posts.