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After the high...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by I'mStillStanding, Aug 16, 2016.

  1. I'mStillStanding

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    Well it's been a long time since I came around. Been a long time but I'm back.... wait I'm breaking in to song. Lol for real though it's been a while, and things are crazy like always.

    So coming out has been the best thing I've ever done. But like all good journeys, it's starting to feel like a march through hell. I think the high I felt, the rush after being free to be me, is wearing off and now I've got to clean up the mess.

    For those that don't know, all my first threads had to be removed (they were discovered and emailed out) so there's tons of back story I'll get around to sharing again.

    The pressing issue is, I'm actually having panic attacks and caused some cardiac issues.
    Well my therapist and doctor says I need to distance myself from my family (along with several EC friends who can now say I told you so). Again I'm left feeling like a fool (the first time being when I conceived myself I was straight), this entire time I've tried to justice the shit my family has said since coming out. Thinking it could have worse. Like only one person tried to punch me, that's good right? Now I'm like if they'd hit me it would have been over and I would not feel awful wanting distance. The last thing my dad and his father told me was I better enjoy my time on earth because this is the heaven I'll get to see. Mom today reminded me there is nothing wrong with me being gay, just the fact that I'm not living morally correct or pleasing to God with my choices. Those choices? A dirty joke here, a swear word there, the fact I'm having sex with a man (and definitely that I'm having sex out of wedlock). I'm not sure if them saying that, or the silence I get from so many others if worse.

    This has really got me unraveling, I feel like I'm losing my mind. The only way I can describe it is it's like I'm in this huge white room (you can't see floor, walls, or ceiling) with a compass that's just spinning and I have no where to go. Things are OK when I'm with my friends, or my "friend". I have a few moments of peace, but the second I'm alone I'm overwhelmed.

    Well I'm trying to cope with this. I've increased my crazy meds, added bp meds, and have started drinking on the weekends lol. But it's not getting better...

    EC was the only thing that keep me together while coming out, and I'm hoping it can do the same now.
     
  2. Nickw

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    You know you really marched through this whole thing with determination. That took a LOT of strength and bravery. Reading between the lines, I still see that you have it. You know that the only thing you really can do is keep marching forward as you have done admirably since you started posting here.

    Your family is going to be a lost cause for awhile. Sadly. I know how close you have been and how you have been such a caregiver to your family. It is painful for me to see that they cannot see that the real you is there, always was, now it is just more information. Try and not take their words too seriously. They are, simply, wrong. You know that of course.

    You are no "fool". When you used that word I almost laughed. You have such wisdom and insight. Trying to engage and share with your loved ones is never foolish. You just need to know when to let it go for awhile.

    You knew I am going to say this..."find that zen place where you can relax and shut out everything for just a bit every day". Hugs.
     
  3. I'm gay

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    Imstillstanding, I feel for you. I agree with Nick, you should distance yourself from negative people.

    The incredible courage it took for you to come out is an awesome feat that continues to both amaze and inspire others. I think it's truly unfair that some gay people are able to come out to a supportive environment and others face horrible homophobia, prejudice, and bigotry.

    Only you can choose to leave this toxic environment. These negative people in your life are a constant reminder of why you went into the closet in the first place. Perhaps your absence for a while might give them pause to reconsider their acceptance. Maybe not. Either way you may get some peace away from them.

    I'm fairly new here but I look forward to reading more of your backstory. Keep posting, we're here. Big hug.
     
  4. Nickw

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    Warrner

    I don't know if I ever mentioned to you that I was estranged from my family after I became engaged to my wife. My family was VERY Catholic. I was living in sin with someone outside the faith. I was told, not quite as harshly, the same things about the forecast for my soul. I went almost a year without talking to my Mom more than to just check in. Not sure I even talked to my Dad or most of my siblings. I adored my family.

    We are now closer than ever. I have gay siblings, unconventional families, all of it. We all learned to accept each other. I have hope your family will do this. They, somehow, raised a great guy. So, they can do it. It will just take some time. But, they are going to need to do this on their own. You cannot do their work...leave them to it and work on yourself.

    I had a partner, my wife, while I went through this. You should have someone. I know you have made a couple of friends in the gay community. Keep expanding on that. I have found that many of the gay guys I have met have similar stories. It doesn't need to be just one guy. It can be the larger gay community. Again hugs.
     
    #4 Nickw, Aug 17, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 17, 2016
  5. CameOutSwinging

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    I think we all often feel a loyalty to family, when really as adults we have just as much right and maybe self-responsibility to distance ourselves from family members who are being toxic to us as we do distancing ourselves from anybody else. Being a blood relative doesn't give anybody the right to speak to you in a way you wouldn't tolerate from a total stranger. If you have to cut ties, even if just for a little while, for the sake of your own sanity, it's okay. You're allowed.
     
  6. TravelerMe

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    As Nick said you are no fool. You are a brave, caring, wise and beautiful person. I want you to know how much you have meant to me over the past few months. I look forward to your threads, posts and PMs. You have helped me in so many ways and your story has touched me. I genuinely want the best for you.

    As you've pointed out many of us have advised distance from those that are hurting you. We will never say "I told you so" because we care too much, its not about winning its about moving forward, being successful and achieving a life of excellence you deserve.

    I know what its like to be drawn back to family. I've been treated like a dog by some family and I find myself going back for more and believing their bullshit hoping for something different that deep down I know I wont be getting.

    You have the advantage of time and not a lot of things holding you back. You're young. So take a break with distance and time; maybe months. Think of people in the military or in history that are gone for months or even years. Family will be there. Its true that absence makes the heart grow fonder.

    After some time they may realize how much the loving man you are means to them and hopefully love you for who you are. If not well then you'll know; and they and the petty head games they are playing are not welcome. You can be cordial and polite but never again engage in those destructive episodes anymore.(*hug*)
     
  7. I'mStillStanding

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    Nick - I knew you came from a very religious family, but I didn't know that happened. And that Zen place... where ever did it go lol. I'm going to find it somehow lol.

    Imgay47 - thanks for the comment. It's funny how many people keep saying about the distance, I'm going to have to listen at some point or the funeral direct can add it to the service " he needed distance, now he has it."

    Cos - what you said made so much sense. I wouldn't let a stranger by with saying it, why should I let them...

    Traveler - hugs... honestly EC has meant the world to me. You guys have helped me through this crazy thing and I'm so thankful you have been part of this journey. :wink:

    So, as I mentioned there's alot of back story. So I'm going to share as it becomes relevant with what's happening now. Now, I'm not going to point out what is repeated because honestly there is so much I'll forget. I guess my story is just starting over lol.

    Well yesterday morning mom called. She said she's been thinking about what I said about feeling like the family has taken a step back, and she shared her thoughts. None of them had done anything but be supportive. I'm lucky, it could have been a lot worse. I've put the distance between us so that's what I need to do. Work on trying to get back into everyone's life... no lie that's what she said. This reminded me of when I was 10 and we were in family therapy (at church) and the pastor asked what the root of the problem was and everyone said me. I was what was causing every problem in our family. Since then I've tried to be exactly what I'm supposed to be (never really measuring up). It's funny how almost 20 years later I'm still the root cause of our family's problems.

    So I went to therapy, and started venting. Therapist asked what's the thing I'm most stressed about. With out missing a beat I said my brother b. You have to understand him and our dad have hated each other forever. But now that b has kids he's like god in the flesh. What's was a shock was how my brother has latched on to our dad. It's gross. Well my dad is the reason my uncle can't bring his husband to family events. I've been informed same goes for me, I'm never permitted to bring a man to anything. I'm not ok with that. So when the time comes I'll no longer be able to attend any family event, or even visited my dad's or grandparents home. Well I'm scared my brother is going to do this. And if he forces my mom's family to choose to agree with or not see them, they will choose him. Then I'll be compeletly alone. That's my biggest fear. The cause of this stress and my panic attacks.

    I don't know what I'm going to do. I've been told several times to gay it down, or not so much gay talk in front of him. They've already picked there side and I'm waiting for the shoe to drop. I am scared. I've been hurt by the things they've said, maybe even broken hearted. If this happens I'm afraid I'll completly shatter and I don't know if I will come back from that. I know I'll survive, but I'm scared I won't be me. The crazy, wide eyed, naive, goofy, crazy, always finds the humor in things person. I don't want that me to get lost....
     
  8. TravelerMe

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    I can't imagine how in anyone's right mind folks would lay all the family's problems on a 10 year old. That's ridiculous. But the pain still lingers I'm sure; I still feel pain from bullying and other hurt from years ago I get that.

    People in any group whether it be families, friends or even a business tend to look for a scapegoat when they don't know how to handle or want to cover up their own dysfunction.
    Often times the target is the one who's most got it together. From what you've done with gramps and all that before you sound like more of the rock of the family than anything else.

    I understand the fear you have and if you dwell on it must seem like a title wave. I'm sure you you've heard it before but taking care of the now is so important to get your mind off of the unknown. Regretting the past and fearing the future gets us nowhere; Watch the present.
     
    #8 TravelerMe, Aug 18, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 18, 2016
  9. Nickw

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    Travelerme is right about thinking in the present. Focus on the step you are taking not the ones behind or far ahead.

    Take a hard look at what you fear. Your fear is losing your family and having no one. Yet, within this family you cannot be who you really are. You have gained so much so far. You will gain even more outside of an environment that has, and continues, to restrict and subdue you!

    This is a journey. It is your journey. There will be days where you worry where it will take you but there is way too much life ahead to dwell on the details. Worry and fear are natural. They allow us to evaluate choices and limit damaging behavior. But, you cannot let them stifle you.
     
  10. I'mStillStanding

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    Traveler & Nickw I guess I don't see myself as the rock. I just did what had to be done. I think the idea that for the last 15 years really, my whole focus has been in taking care of what needed to be done for the family. My step dad was really sick so mom had to take care of him, which is when I took over the kitchen lol. So much of my identity has been family, I'm not sure what I'd do with it it.


    So, breaking from the crazy drama. I've been talking with this guy. He's so nice, and he has been through the same thing. Coming out while married (of course they had been married longer and have kids that are grown). There is a age difference, but I really like him. I know it would never go anywhere long term, this much of age difference has us at different places in our life. But again I really like him. I'm hoping to get to spend more time with him this weekend :slight_smile:

    I've been spending less time with the family. I'm hoping small baby steps will give me the space I need to figure things out. I think I'm finally going to get my divorce, which is really good news. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  11. Nickw

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    Hey

    It sounds like you recognize what has been going on in your life. Being the caretaker you have been has not been lost time. You learned valuable tools. You just need to take care of yourself a bit.

    Glad to hear you have a new friend. But, be careful with the older guy/younger guy scenario. How much older is he?
     
  12. I'mStillStanding

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    20ish years lol I know he's just so handsome and sweet :slight_smile:
     
  13. Nickw

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    I am happy that you have a new interest. But, be careful about yourself here. Be sure that you are not seeking someone to care for you. It is easy to fall into that trap. And, some of us older guys do have a thing for taking care of younger guys. I am that way. When I see a younger man, or woman, in need, I am drawn to them emotionally. I have been careful to not make this sexual because I don't think it's fair to them.

    Be sure it isn't a sanctuary you are seeking. In the long run, standing on your own two feet and forging your own life will yield the happiness and self satisfaction you deserve.

    If the attraction is because he is a hot dude that does it for you...well that's different!!
     
    #13 Nickw, Aug 19, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 19, 2016
  14. I'mStillStanding

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    So, something Nick said has been on my mind. While I do think the guy is sexy, I can't help wonder if I'm not trying to find people to "love" me because of what is happening with my family. My tutor (in case I've not posted in this thread yet, he is the guy I've asked to teach me to have sex with a guy. We've been "studying" for almost 4 months) isn't like that. I'm not looking for that from him, but from others yes. This scares me because I'm so ready to venture out with more guys, but realizing this it seems like it could be dangerous. Not physically but emotionally. I'm not sure what I'm going to do, I guess I'm back to second guessing everything.

    And I know sex is not love, but it can be an awesome simulation of it .

    *Disclaimer Nick your question was spot on, so I don't want you thinking I'm upset because honestly I'm not :slight_smile: