I think I may have skipped a few critical steps in the process

I read on here a lot .....I mean, a LOT, so I see struggles that I have not necessarily experienced. Let me say thought, that dealing with my teenage daughter who doesn't want to see, hear, or think about her mom being a lesbian because apparently I'm just doing it to make her life miserable in this small town. Yeah, right.

Actually the only person I've legitimately come out to is my son, AFTER my daughter found things on my phone that led her to ask the big question. Otherwise, everyone just knows because I am openly in a relationship with another woman at work. Ironically, if we were just friends, the same would probably be assumed about us, but it's definitely true.

Maybe it's because I'm at an age where I just don't care about other people's opinion. I don't know.

Lately, I look back on things in my past and wonder if they were indicators...if I've actually suppressed things for this long.

As stupid as it sounds, yesterday someone posted a picture of "hot" firemen on FB...shirtless, muscles, meant to be eye candy for straight girls. I realized "hot" guys do actually nothing for me. I really never assumed they were supposed to, that some women find that kind of thing attractive but not me. Hmmm...could it be because I'm a lesbian?

Yes, I guess my latest thought process has taken me from where I started, which is a woman who assumed she was straight and just happened to fall in love with a woman, to bisexual...and now I'm wondering if my conservative upbringing and social norms were just so imbedded, not to even include my military background, that being straight was my only option.

Just a funny though, bringing up my military background and dorm living to my GF, she asked if there were lesbians, and of course I said not to my knowledge. She thought that was strange.....I did after I thought about it for awhile.

Okay, time to go get ready for work. I'm kind of wondering if my pre 5:00 a.m. ramblings will make sense when I look them over later. Y'all have a great day.

 

To this day, I am probably a big disappointment to my mom because in the world she grew up in, my aspirations should have been to marry a man who would take care of me. Well, gay or not, that was never how I thought. I've always been independent to a fault. Had a great military career, which, at the time, was conservative in itself. Being gay and out would have set you up for a pretty quick discharge.

Yes, I don't particularly think it was my personal upbringing, but perhaps the culture. Yes, I have always lived in southern states and that may have something to do with it too.

I guess my thought on discussing attractive potential partners, and dating woes, well....I suppose I did go through all that at a point in my life....with men, of course. When this amazing woman came into my life almost a year ago, I was blindsided, but....in retrospect I can see things that make me think I was not so much blindsided, but just unaware of myself. Sometimes I look back on everything, and realize things make sense now. I mean, honestly, what I consider our first date now, well....I just honestly thought I was going out for drinks with an obviously lesbian friend from work. The crazy thing is I was crushing on her at the time, which was confusing the hell out of me.

I don't particularly think I was afforded anything, but merely that my struggles with dating and relationships that seem to be spoken of from a queer aspect here, well....I went through that on a purely hetero level.

It's not even 5 a.m. here, so lord knows if this is going to make sense at all, but hope it helps.

---------- Post added 19th Aug 2016 at 04:58 AM ----------

Yes, so much is similar. I did manage to enjoy sex after a while, although I had some difficulties there as well, but I could never emotionally connect with a man. I never realized this until recently because I thought that was normal. I never knew I could feel so honest and comfortable with someone. This after numerous hetero relationships and a nine year marriage.

Yeah, I just thought girls who went crazy over attractive guys were just wired differently. I thought I was more attracted to the person on the inside, but now....hmmm....not so much.