Hi there friends, It's been a while since I've posted so I just wanted to check in and give a little update. I've been doing ok, feeling calmer, stronger and more confident about my decisions with my marriage. In terms of my marriage: My (stbx) husband and I have been reaching some new sense of normal. We're setting up timelines for making changes, most of the big decisions have been agreed on and it's just a matter of setting things in motion one at a time. We also had quite a good conversation a couple of nights ago which left me with some sadness but mostly a sense of catharsis. Highlights from that conversation are basically - we expressed a lot of compassion, love and appreciation for each other. We talked about why we were special to eachother, but also spent a lot of time on why we were needing to separate. Through a lot of this conversation my (nearly ex) husband was starting to sort of feel that what we are doing makes sense. He still has trouble fully understanding my sexual orientation, still thinks I'm partially "confused" but he seems to respect my thought process more. I talked about things i fear in the future and he promised to respect me in the areas that caused me concern. Overall it was positive and gave us a positive place to build from as we move forward. New (maybe not so new?) issues: So there's this issue that seems to be surfacing and I'm just not sure how to deal with it. So I'm dating a woman whom I have quite strong feelings for. We are really enjoying how our relationship is developing. She understands the precarious situation I'm in with the separation just starting, and we're OK with how that impacts the pace of our relationship. But, because the separation is so new, it's important for me not to be too public with her in terms of affection. In case I run into people that know both myself and my husband. Because it would seem I'm cheating on him. I even feel this way just about people who only know me. I haven't gotten around to telling people at work for example, in passing, that I'm separated. And I don't want them to think I'm cheating on my husband if they see us. (This has already happened by the way, a colleague ran into us in a woodsy path in a private moment). In terms of being out (gay out) in public, I'm surprisingly completely comfortable. When we're in places that it's not likely to run into the people I know, I'm ok with PDA. I feel totally natural holding my girlfriend's hand, walking with arms around each other, giving her pecks on the cheek, and in the park giving her a real (appropriate for public) kiss. I know that being careful about being too public is a necessary thing at this point. But...it makes me feel kind of horrible. The main crux of the problem is... I can't tell you how much I'm sick of secrets. Part of what goes with this secret, and secrets in general are so tied to shame. (In this case, shame of being judged for "cheating") I'm so sick of feeling any kind of shame. It's been with me my whole life and I don't want it anymore. That's why this bothers me so much. I'm tired of feeling like my life has secrets and I'm starting to feel really unhappy about it. I just want to be myself and do what comes naturally without wondering who's looking at me and what they think. As mentioned, I've reached such a wonderful comfort level in being out as gay in public, and I can finally say I'm ok with people judging me on who I am, because if they do,that's their problem. But I suppose this is different and I just have to ride it out? I suppose it's something I have to be patient with because of where we are in the separation process. But it's frustrating because I feel like secrecy makes me uncomfortable given that much of his journey is about me getting rid of secrets. Can anyone relate? ---------- Post added 17th Aug 2016 at 03:35 AM ---------- Sorry for the wall of text guys.... TL; DR Marriage update: Things with stbx husband going smoother, more positively. New problem: I'm surprisingly comfortable with PDA and being out as gay in public completely and without thought, but PDAs are tricky when separated, can be inappropriate considering husband's feelings especially. But the secrecy factor inherent in that is really upsetting me. I want to be me and be out and embrace my life and my orientation fully.
Hey there Baristajedi, Congratulations with your separation and the conversation with your (soon-to-be) ex-husband. It is really nice when people accept the end of a relationship for what it is and separate amicably. I can't relate, as my wife and I are still trying to work things out. That being said, I have stated numerous times that if we did separate, it should be amicably and peaceful. No need to make each other hurt more just for the sake of hurting. I feel like, for the most part, we have had a wonderful friendship and beautiful memories. If we are fighting in court over the inevitability that we will be apart, that would tarnish the wonderful past that we created together. Which happen to be some of the best moments of my life that I am not willing to destroy. As I read your post, I felt such a tranquility. I imagined you and your (soon-to-be) ex-husband just sitting in a dimly lit room, maybe with some wine or other beverage. Just very gently coming to terms with everything. I hope that is how it went down, or even if it didn't, at least you guys were speaking like friends. All endings are the beginning of something new. As for your relationship with your new girlfriend, first off, congratulations!!!! It is ok to allow yourself happiness with out the guilt. You deserve it. I like the idea of taking thing slowly. Hopefully you will soon be able to enjoy the new relationship without all the guilt. So, good luck!! I'm glad everything is on the up and up for you!!!
You have come a long way. Keep the PDA on the side for time being and don't let the new relationship interfere with what you need to get through with your family. Your being sensitive to your husband, as you should; keep doing that. How you act today can have long term impact on your relationship with him and, as a result, your daughter. Get brought the divorce, and then have all the PDA you want. Also, your new relationship is a massive rebound relationship. See it for what it is. Have fun with it but be careful. Your dealing with another persons emotions here. I would advise being extremely cautious with how close you get and how close you let her get while your separation is going ahead. She is probably going into the relationship with you both with open eyes as well as with high expectations. Be sensitive to her as you proceed. There is still much you are learning about yourself, and that can possibly impacted your relationship with her unexpectedly.
Thanks onlyhuman we're getting to a good place and it does finally feel that we may separate amicably. We weren't drinking wine, but we started off our conversation listening to music together and talking about memories; it was quite nice. In terms of my relationship,, I suppose I am trying to balance my happiness with my husband's privacy. It will all be over soon I suppose.... ---------- Post added 20th Aug 2016 at 12:23 AM ---------- Thanks onthehighway After reading your comment, I thought back to this whole journey, and I do feel like I've come a long way. I'm really happy about that. You're absolutely right about the PDA, I know. That's my instinct as well; I guess I just don't like that it leaves me with this feeling that's reminiscent of shame, secrecy and hiding who I am. About this new relationship, we're taking it one day at a time. I know that we each need to be careful about going too fast, so we're trying to keep that in mind. And staying honest and patient with each other.
Hi baristajediz I am so happy you're making progress as difficult as it is... It sounds like it's a rough road at times but ..as I am learning sitting on the fence is a lot harder. I think making a decision one way or the other is what anyone "LGBT Later in Life" has to do - otherwise it just eats away at you. You can suppress it but once you bring it to the surface you have to deal with it one way or the other. Anyway, I am very happy for you, and you've been a great inspiration.
