I am so extremely happy in my new relationship. Now I find myself trying to heal from the ghosts of my past to allow myself to be fully open to her. There are days that I struggle to accept my past with men, and how I let them use and abuse me in an attempt to feel loved. It makes me feel like I failed as a lesbian. Or like I didn't know myself at all. My girlfriend is so completely understanding, and she doesn't judge me for that past at all, even with her being a "gold star". I just struggle to feel worthy of her and her love, knowing what I do about my history. How can she accept all of that so readily? I've shared with her, she knows, and she's okay with it, but I feel like she shouldn't be because I'm not.
Past is that...past. It will always be a part of your own personal history. I believe that your gf is ok with that because is something that you can't change, you just have to accept it and move on. Use it as a learning experience, even if it's something you don't want to ever go back to. Maybe you should focus on closing that chapter of your life and enjoy what you have now with your gf. It's great you can talk to her about it, but if it makes you feel worst you should look another way to deal with it. What exactly are you feeling? (guilt, regret?)
Hey Rose, For me, the best antidote to regret is to consider the way you have made, and continue to make, decisions. You may start by considering what goes into making big life-decisions, with a little thought, you may begin to see how rather complicated it all is. A whole host of factors were considered and a lot of these were/are beyond your control. Factor in your state of mind, maturity, knowledge (or lack thereof) and you could perhaps see that you chose what you chose because it seemed like the best option at the time. Repeat to yourself this helpful little sentence: It seemed like a good idea at the time. The past might as well be on another planet, it is gone and done. Your girlfriend is your focus now. Definitely bring into this relationship what you have learned from the past, but know in your heart that whatever you decided in the past was what you considered to be the best option for you at that time. Perhaps you may consider your life, in its entirety, as a work of art. An artist considers the elements that go into the work as part of a whole. Your past is part of that tableau, and, if properly considered, can be an essential part of the beautiful human being that you are today and that your girlfriend can appreciate. Who you are today is what you have created for yourself and that is what she loves, the good and not-so-good, in its entirety.
Your girlfriend is right. You are worthy, and you are a totally valid lesbian. Your true orientation and your past are different things. Focus on being an awesome girlfriend to her, that is what really matters to her. Flipping perspectives, I can really identify with your girlfriend's perspective when I look at my own marriage to my wife. This is the second marriage for my wife, and she has expressed to me many times how she is not happy with some elements of her former life. I honestly don't care about those things, I care very much about her love for me and our life together. Be present for her now and into the future, that's what matters. And don't doubt your lesbianism, you are valid. Best to you!
As others have said, your girlfriend is right. But, I can relate you how you're feeling. There are moment in my relationship where I know that I should have ended it, but I didn't. I think, to a point, that's always going to bother me. However, I'd feel the same way if I was completely straight. So, it's not all sexuality related for me. It's great you're so happy with your girlfriend!
