Stealth lesbian encountering homophobic ignorance :)

I especially hate this thing that's been happening between heterosexual men who share a hug, or even a partial hug. As they're doing so, at least one of them will say "No gay" as they hug. Because, of course, if it's not said, then it certainly could be perceived that this is a "gay" hug.

Ugh!

 

You might need a similar t-shirt yourself by the sound of it, barista. :lol:

Really awesome that you educated her! Did you tell her/did she realize that you are gay? I think I look pretty gay these days, I would certainly suspect it if I saw someone who presented like I do, so I would not necessarily consider myself very stealth anymore. Still, I rarely if ever encountered casual homophobia in real life even before I was out to myself, it only ever seems to happen on the internet.

 

Challenge people. Straight people need to hold other straights accountable, just like any other group. Society is VERY HETEROSEXIST.

 

I've just noticed heteronormativity a lot more...assuming all little girls will grow up to have husbands, that spouses are always of the opposite gender, things like that. I've always tried to teach my kids that those are just assumptions, and it will be interesting/uncomfortable when they confront kids from more conservative households with traditional understandings of things. We will take it as it comes...

 

Well, since my unofficial coming out at work, I have had nobody say anything to my face, but I know that it's there. Nevermind, everybody has some ignorance in them, whether or not they're gay or straight, or somewhere in between. I personally feel like there are many shades of gray, or maybe it's really color in the spectrum. I don't know. Still hate labels. I think that's more of a hetero thing that has bled over and the gay community has gone a little crazy with it. I know one lady at work whispered about how I went to church so regularly and took my kid and now....I don't go. I don't go because my relationship with God is any less, I just couldn't stand the hypocrites that are there, and I hadn't planned on dealing with them. Again, in the community, I've pretty much backed out because I don't feel like being someone I'm not, and I don't feel like lying to these people because they honestly don't mean that much to me to be concerned with.

I am very grateful that I work for an organization where affirmative action is embraced, even if I don't agree with it whole heartedly. For anyone to outwardly make comments such as the ones above, they could face disciplinary actions. There is simply zero tolerance for that kind of thing. So yes, whispers will happen, but people don't tend to be so bold when their job is on the line.

 

Once I finally came out to myself, every ignorant comment started bothering me. I started fighting it, trying to educate people, but it's been discouraging. This week has been really bad. Since I'm married to a woman everyone assumes I'm straight. It's really bringing me down. It's like a day can't go by without someone making an ignorant comment. I feel crazy even though I know I'm right. I tried to fight it, but I end up getting really upset and not making any progress.

 

Godless, do they know you are out? Is it personal, or just those ignorant comments that people who have no clue who they are talking to say? Ignorant people really don't get me down. I won't let them. Cruel people, now that's a different story.

 

No, because it's mostly at work. I know ignorant comments shouldn't bother me, I'm just trying to figure out how to stop being so depressed about it.

 

I wouldn't blame that on 'homophobia' i would blame that on a society that sexualises everything.

 

I think that comes from the problem that heterosexual men have in expressing feelings of love and affection with other men. Just because it's not sexual doesn't mean that there's no love there. Hetero men have love and affection for their best friends, though they may not call it that or even recognize it as that. That's not their fault, of course, because they have been taught by a heteronormative society and upbringing that teaches them that a demonstration of affection between men is wrong. Therefore, that results in the bro hug, often times it's really a partial hug and can only last for a second - no more. The "no gay" saying is just the latest iteration of it.

To say that's not homophobia, though, misses the point that the fear of appearing gay is at the root of the behavior.

 

I really don't think appearing gay is the root of the behavior. It's a joke...maybe not one that everyone finds funny, but they find humor in it. If they knew someone gay was in their presence, they would probably cease to do it. That's a guess, of course.

Flip side: if I give a hug to my gf (or any lesbian friend actually...doesn't really matter) and pat the person's back, which is a habit of mine, I get teased about my "straight girl hug". If a straight person overhears this, should they be offended? Would they be offended? Would this humor in any way actually be targeted to a straight person?

No, Godless stated before they did not know that he was gay. If they did, this would be an entirely different issue. I would chalk this up to people making assumptions (that he's married, therefore, must be straight).

Yes, I understand the point of how society is portrayed, and maybe that has to do with some of my issues and why I'm dealing with them so late in life, but....I get it. I understand.