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Over 40, married and questioning

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Amapwouldhelp, Aug 19, 2016.

  1. Amapwouldhelp

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    Hi all-
    It's my first post here, and I've never really done any webforum before, but I've been reading the forums and was so impressed with everyone's positive and supportive presence. I am testing the waters for myself a little bit, and am so thankful to read the stories of others who have been in the same position, it makes me feel a little less alone.

    So, I'm 41 and have been with my husband for over 18 years. We have 3 kids who are all under 12. I'm pretty sure what started as a mid-life crisis is turning into a realization about my sexuality. And now that I can admit to myself that I'm not "just a little bit gay" or that I'm not bi, it seems like I want to rush headfirst into a new life....except my own life is pretty awesome and there are some pretty big issues to overcome. For me, and I guess for all the other gay-married-parents out there, it's not like just about choosing to live life as an "out" person. It's also about dropping a nuclear bomb on an unsuspecting spouse, and most likely breaking up a family. I've never wanted to get divorced - all the divorces I've witnessed have been messy and expensive. But then, they usually happened when people hated each other...and I don't hate my husband at all. He's a good person, moral, intelligent, and a good dad. If I drop this bomb, if I say it out loud, then I want to own it. I want to live that life. It means I want to live apart from him, at least in the long term. But that means shared custody, and alternating weekends, and not being there to tuck my kids in every night, and not taking them to school every morning...and selling our home.... and then not having enough money to buy two separate homes in this crazy expensive city. And I'm worried he'll be SO lonely! He's not good at meeting people or at developing close relationships with people...and I'm worried he'll spend the rest of his life alone. I'm willing to live with the possibility that I too might live my life alone, but it's MY choice- he's just getting this thrown at him. And the kicker is, I'm pretty sure he doesn't even have a clue. This will come completely out of left field for him. I feel so sad for the life we built. I'm so sad that I wasn't the right person for this life.
    I'd love to hear some updates from people who have been down this road before. It's a scary road. I'm so nervous - but excited and hopeful at the same time. I feel pretty sure about the life I WANT, it's vague, but it's there....I'm just not sure I can have that life because by the time I firebombed everyone else's life, mine just might suck. But living in the closet sucks too.
     
  2. LostInDaydreams

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    Hi Amapwouldhelp,

    Welcome to EC! :slight_smile:

    I've not been down the path yet. I haven't discussed my feelings with my partner. But, I can relate to a lot of what you've put in your post. You'll find lots of people who've been in similar situations on EC.

    Keep posting. Congratulations on your progress so far! It can be hard to admit your attractions to yourself.
     
  3. Stewie

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    I've been absent from here for the last week, cause of work, and I am just on here as a quick check on what's happening, before I go play catch up on hard work, and everything else that I haven't done all week. But if you check out some of my threads I've started you might find some useful info, I dropped that bomb on my wife of 20 years, 22 days ago, it's a work in progress but it is more then a just relief, it's an awakening (&&&)
     
  4. Highlander2

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    I'd also say that I dropped the bombshell on my ex wife about 3 years ago. I have a couple of loooong threads ( :wink: ) that go into a lot of detail about how I tried to do the right thing for everyone after I came out to her. We are like best friends now, the kids are fine, she is in a LTR with a guy who she really likes a lot, and I am in the dating game and loving learning about a new guy in my life.

    It can be done. It will take a lot of courage, and a lot of putting yourself first (probably for a change) with a degree of hard-headedness, but it doesn't have to mean the total destruction of all your lives. It can work.
     
  5. Linkmaste

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    I'm married and I came out to my husband a week ago (like fully came out he has a inkling I was pretty gay) and honestly it felt great. I can understand how terrifying it felt but just know that the longer you hold this the longer YOU will feel like crap and THAT will affect everyone. You still love your husband that's normal! You had kids with him but you don't have that attraction to guys-its okay! It will suck a lot about that rush you feel when you tell others literally lifts something off your shoulders.

    Luckily, my husband is my best friend and understands. We have a long road ahead but I know I can do this. And you can do! I support you!

    Just remember that the longer you hold this in, the longer you feel so negative and that will get to your family. They will know somethings up.
     
  6. Amapwouldhelp

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    Thank you for the kind words everyone. I definitely have to tell him soon. I don't feel guilty about not "knowing" sooner - I was deep in denial. But now that I have acknowledged things to myself, NOW I feel like I'm lying to him by not saying anything.
    I've read some other threads of people who were planners, and people who were blurters. I'm somewhere in the middle. Just need to find a time where we will have time to talk,and he will have time to process. We have people coming over tomorrow, so to mean to do it tonight...and then vacation with the kids for 2 weeks uh oh. I'm working on making sure we don't have many plans in September (lol, except the usual hockey/soccer/birthday parties that you have when you have 3 kids!)

    I'm so happy to hear from those of you who are still in caring friendships with your spouses (or ex-spouses). It feels like a possibility for me, but some mountains and valleys before we get to there.

    Another question, I'm curious how long people continued to live together with their spouses after the big reveal...
     
  7. yellow turtle

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    I've been in a kinda same situation but very different at the same time. I've had a long time bf. And after a few years we were blessed with a baby. Since the beginning, my bf had known that I had bisexual tendencies. I always fool around with my straight girl friends. And it didn't seem to bother him. Either that, or he didn't believe me at all. We've been living together for quite sometime. But I knew that what I felt for him didn't feel like LOVE kinda love. I did care for him that's all. It's way different with what I feel with girls. My heart skips a beat when I'm involved with a girl. I've fooled around with girls, but nothing serious until I met this one girl who also had a bf at that time. I fell for her hard like I never did before. She wanted something serious. I loved her so I gave it to her. My bf knew about us. At first of course he felt betrayed. But he let it go because he was very fond of the girl. Our relationships continued. Sadly, love wasn't enough for the girl and I and we parted ways. That's when I met my current girlfriend, the love of my life. She accepted that I have a bf, everything was okay. My bf and I started drifting apart. I didn't love him but had no reason to let him go. And I didn't wanna leave him alone. Not until she met another girl. So eventually, we parted ways. Now I'm living with my gf and my baby. I've been with my gf for a few years now. Luckily my "let the chips fall where they may" attitude led me to happiness. I hope you'll find it too.
     
  8. Highlander2

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    So from telling her to moving into my own place was about four months. Even that was too long as it kept her thinking there was hope of me getting over things and telling her I'd made a mistake. I should've gone maybe after two months and as soon as I had somewhere to go. Problem was that Christmas was looming and the last thing I wanted was to imprint the kids minds that Christmas was an unhappy time of year for them in the future.
     
  9. Amapwouldhelp

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    Thank you for sharing, both of you.
    I ended up telling him late last night. It went *well*, all things being relative of course. But what you said Highlander about false hope for your wife really seems to be true for me. The last few days I wondered if we could somehow "have it all"- be married but really just be friends. I don't think that will work.

    ---------- Post added 21st Aug 2016 at 04:16 AM ----------

    "Luckily, my husband is my best friend and understands" Linkmaste,
    But here's a question- is he trying to find a way to "make it work" between you two?
     
    #9 Amapwouldhelp, Aug 21, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2016
  10. Stuck in a rut

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    Hi I too am struggling with my sexuality.
    I've been with my partner 23 years and always felt something missing,
    I strongly believe I'm not ment to be with a man .I've never really been attracted to men
    But as I wanted children it seemed the normal thing to do any advice input would be very appreciated .:slight_smile:
     
  11. Amapwouldhelp

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    Exactly. But it's so complicated. Is it worth it to have to change your life so drastically? I hear you. I finally don't him, but kind of wished I'd waited a bit until I really knew what I wanted for sure. Now he's just stuck in a terrible kind of limbo.
     
  12. LostInDaydreams

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    Hi Stuck in a rut,

    I've not been with my partner as long as you've been with yours, but I can relate to your post.

    Keep posting and reading on EC. As you can see, there are a lot of people in a similar position. It's been a great help for me.

    And welcome! :slight_smile: