I have came here and posted a bunch of times - I think this is my third or forth attempt to come out here..... or figure out here.. When I feel and accept that I am gay I feel incredible happiness, joy. When I read people's posts here I feel like I had written them myself OR I wish I had, or they reveal something to me that I wouldn't have noticed-- the same way someone might point out 'oh you're shoe is untied' but it's something positive that helps me. On the other hand.... The 'gay' feeling lasts a few days then i go weeks of feeling so good i didn't follow through, or I feel it's a bad fetish or fantasy. I first tried to come out here memorial day weekend after terrible roller coaster crash and burns I decided to withhold from sex (and an stimulation of any kind) until labor day. I did some research and found that it's possible i can have a masturbation or porn induced fantasy.. but I have to say after over two and a half months of not stimulating myself in anyway, I my feelings about wanting to have sex with a man are still as intense as ever. But I am still confused. I know I can only sort this out or decide what to do... right now, I feel totally gay.. but i have had a few glasses of wine :icon_bigg.... tomorrow maybe not. I can say when I interact with people here and see the progress others are making I feel so a part of this community but it just doesn't gel with my real life.... but sometimes I just wish I would complete accept I am gay and be done with it.
Well, your brain definitely is lying to you. The problem is, you're not sure which story is the lie. I think you've described an almost classic case of "denial." You have bargained with yourself, and tried experiments to prove that it's a mirage, but the intrusive thought keeps coming back. You know, it's not bad to be in denial about things. Sometimes, denial can be a very adaptive thing. However, in your case it's taking a lot of time out of your life, and it obviously is disabling in some ways. A few ideas: First, why worry about taking so much time? You should let things happen, on their own schedule. There's a lot of work to do, if you can't come out on an anonymous forum, because that's about the same as coming out to yourself. Second, you need to find out why you have such a high need to repress your obvious thoughts. First, you can see that if you are turned on by something, and it's something only you know about, it should be a more honest internal discussion. Would you say that it is guilt, revulsion, fear, or some other feeling that makes you desperate to not have homosexual thoughts?
Brilliant! yes. I don't know which is right but I know ONE is right. I know I am not bi as well> Don't ask me how or why i Just know... Ok, but what if it's just a porn/masturbation induced fantasy? Why do I always look at women (though honestly I don't get sexually aroused) I have heard such addictions (porn, masturbation) can lead to fantasizing about things you don't actually want to do. COming out, or even accepting I am gay is a big big change in lifestyle - there is no denying this- if it was just an induced fantasy would it be worth doing ? That is why I decided to to hold off from any form of sexual stimulation as long as I can - I told myself after that time period I can seek things out and try things or decide to not try things... Arguing against my above point- tonight - the fantasy of being accepting I am gay overwhelmed me and I came back here - no i haven't 'done' anything but come back here and I read people's posts and I could have written them. Good point. Though 'denial' is a slippery definition.. I quit smoking a long time ago - i overcame a lot of the same feelings that I am feeling now. Just getting out of bed early takes a lot of effort to reject feelings. How do I know these urges/fantasies/sexual feelings are 'real' and even if they were, are they good for me? I know you can't answer that I have to. I have come out about my feelings here and sometimes like this thread title says, I feel so gay and so happy about being gay other times I don't want it at all. I honestly don't know. But I was raised in a progressive household so it's not like I am mormon or anything. Part of me love the idea of settling down with a wife i guess.
Hi Lovejoy, you're in a space I can identify with. It's a terrible place to be stuck in and it sounds like you aren't going to get out of the space without help. And you probably need professional help. But it's worth it. It really is. Good luck and be kind to yourself.
Ok. Try this: You're in a room alone. I front of you are two pictures. One is a beautiful naked man, the other an equally beautiful naked woman. You might look at both, even appreciate both. But where your eyes spend more time on will be a clue. There is no question in my mind that even from an early age I sought out gay porn. One question for you to consider: most heterosexual men spend very little time with gay porn. Sure any guy might have a curious moment and watch a gay video now and then, but only you know how much porn you watch. Be honest with yourself - is most of your porn watching gay porn? If so, why do you think you are choosing it? You have turned this around in your mind. You think you might be gay because you have been watching gay porn. I'm saying that you may be choosing gay porn to watch because you are gay. You can rationalize and justify your choices - believe me I've been doing that for decades - but it won't change your true orientation, it will only mask it. The fact is, the dick wants what the dick wants.
Right now, I feel 100% gay and I am so happy with the choice, it feels so right, so comfortable even though it would overturn my world. The problem is the feeling goes away and then i feel 100% not gay. But when I accept I am gay I feel so good about it...
For the purposes of argument, I'd accept that a guy could condition himself toward (or use aversive conditioning against) a particular fantasy. In the first case, I'd agree that you could end up "aroused" at a conditioned thought or fantasy. In the second case, aversive conditioning could diminish the arousal (for example, thinking of Richard Nixon while masturbating*...) Rarely does such conditioning create obsessive-compulsive levels of drive toward that fantasy or object. Exceptions include creating addiction to drugs and other situations where there are additional mechanisms created by the conditioning. So in this case, you are compelled to think of sex with men. I don't see how that level of compulsion could be created by just masturbating and thinking of a particular scene. Also, it appears that aversive conditioning (according to research) doesn't functionally "cure" gay sexual impulses (see the "reparative therapy industry," now outlawed in some states). LOL. I am finding out that mormons can be pretty sexy in this direction, too. But more on your point, I get the romantic image of having a traditional family. Over the years I've become acquainted with several gay couples who have adopted kids. It's amazing how similar the "ambiance" is, right down to the griping about who takes the kids to soccer practice. *My apologies to the four or five Richard Nixon fetishists, who may be subscribers...
