Bending like a pretzel to keep what you don't want to lose

If any relationship forces you to act differently than how you would act if you were not in the relationship (except cheating and that sort of thing), you will be twisting and turning like a pretzel forever. Sure, there may be some things you give up to be considerate. And, no, its not "my way or the highway." But you need to be happy with living the life you want, not the one someone else wants you to have. Not having that space forces you to pretend, which eventually builds resentment and ends with regret. And sure, you can buy someone things to make them happy or even make you happy. But again, feeling you have to buy things in exchange for love is not the good train you want to get on. You may have to enduree loneliness for a while. But trust me. I know. Keeping secrets now doesn't fix things later. They just make it worse. Be who you really are. Then the RIGHT person will be attracted to you. And it just may be who you are with right now. Or not. Know what I mean?

 

COS

I've mentioned this before. You seem to be in a hurry for love. I wonder if some of this is that you cannot let the process work at a natural rate. You may be the "pretzeler" too. You find someone that might work and try to change them just as much. Slow down and find the right match.

 

Maybe focus on what makes you a great partner in the relationship - what qualities do you have that someone else would be thankful and appreciative to have? If they can't show you respect and love for who you are, then walk away (or, let them walk away). They are the ones missing out, right? You have to gain this perspective. The fear of losing is what is defeating you. Overcome that, and you will regain the power in your relationships to be an equal partner, not someone who has to buy their love. Come to terms with your worth, then you can more easily walk away when someone disrespects it. You sound like you are a natural giver - which is awesome - but don't let anyone take that for granted.

 

Do you even know how to be authentic anymore? It sounds like a dumb question, but if you try to be what you think somebody wants you to be, the end results is that you end up losing yourself in the process. My 2 cents...

 

I've been approached by several guys such as yourself whom are in a relationship with a woman and then have feelings or urges to be with men but yet, they do not want to end their relationship with the woman and keep the feelings that have for men in the closet so to speak. Nine times out of ten, the wife always wound up being hurt by their actions. I remember when I was dating my girlfriend and during the last phase of our relationship is when the feelings I had for guys started to creep in. It just so happened that things occurred in our lives that naturally caused us to separate and eventually go our separate ways. However, several years later, I had came out of the closet and was well into my first relationship with a guy. All of a sudden, who appears out of nowhere...my ex girlfriend. She wanted us to give our relationship another try. I could have kept my boyfriend in the closet and resumed the relationship with her and it would have worked out well for all parties involved. However, I decided against that and made the decision to be honest with her. In other words, I came out to her and told her about my relationship. At first, yes, this was all a big surprise and a lot for her to accept at that time. Nonetheless, she contacted me and wanted to talk in person where she embraced me and told me that she was okay with everything but wanted to still be a part of my life as a close confidant. She even wanted to meet my boyfriend as well because she was very protective over me. All in all, for me ....I was happy that I was honest with her instead of having her as a part of my little situation. To this day, we still have a very good relationship and keep in contact with each other quite often.

I guess where I am going with this is that in such a situation, someone is bound to get hurt or the truth will soon reveal itself because if your are bending yourself like a pretzel as you have mentioned, sooner or later, something will fall amongst the cracks and then you will really have a situation on your hands. I wish you well and best of luck!!!! JS

 

Pretzels are soft and malleable before they bake, then afterwords they often can get hard and brittle which crack easily.

Don't be a pretzel.

 

There are certain quite problematic words in relationships that need to be discussed, the most important being: "having" and "losing".

Let's start with having: in a relationship, as opposed to some object, having, or implied possession is a rather loose and slippery term. Starting with the premise that you cannot possess anyone, how then is it possible to lose what you could never possess?

If a person started to be with you, it is because they wanted to be, not because of anything you did, but because of who you are; usually for things that they see in you which you may or may not be aware of. You become then a steward of your relationship, a custodian as it were in the maintenance of its beauty, not for the sake of possession, but for the sake of the relationship.

The Zen Buddhists explain that a great source of misery in life is attachment. The idea is that life is suffering because nothing is permanent, and therefore everything that you "have" will eventually be gone. It is very easy to fall into a trap of attachment in relationships. To say "she/he is mine" needs to be understood not as possession, but something that is created which is separate from both of you, the relationship to which both partners are committed.

Rather than possess, appreciate the event of your relationship, for however long it lasts. From appreciation comes gratitude for the way things are as they are. If you do this, you will feel no need to change, either yourself or your partner. If gratitude and appreciation are strong, fear (of loss) subsides, you are fully present in the present moment, with no thought about what can happen in the future, which is completely unknowable anyway.

 

Well you can't redo anything but you can move forward from this point. Step away from all this clutter and figure yourself out. Once your comfortable in your own skin you can focus on being happy with someone else. Trust me, there are way worse things than being alone.