I think I don't fit even in the gay community

Yes it makes sense. I am struggling with accepting that I am gay and I feel the same way.

 

What are the behaviors, or things they say, specifically? Try to identify what the specific things are that you remember about these gay guys you went out with. You have some idea of the "standard way of behavior" that you don't feel represents who you are, so what is that?

Those exact same feelings are the ones I felt starting so long ago. I didn't identify with what I perceived "gay" to be. For me, specifically, it was the effeminate behavior, everything from mild limp-wrist type stuff to the worst examples of diva-type behavior and drag.

Once I was able to specifically identify the behaviors that I perceived to be "gay," I was able to realize that I had let the false image of "gay" become my only perception and therefore convince myself that I wasn't gay after all. Yay me! Now shut the closet door, it's cold out there.

There's no one way to be gay. If you are indeed gay, and you've self-identified as being gay, then the way for you to be gay is just by being you. If you meet men who you are attracted to, but their behavior turns you off, then I think you should try to adjust your perception of what "gay" means, or try finding men who don't fit the things that bother you.

 

Be yourself and then you have a better chance of meeting people who are a match for you ...
Learnt behaviour is not a good look I don't feel
Be who you are and comfortable with that ...

 

^^^I think this is correct.

Over the years, I learned there is no such thing as "gaydar." At least, anything reliable. This happened when I started being introduced to gay people, and realized they are uncategorizable. Social media finished the job.

Ironically, what got me started down the wrong path, decades ago, was listening to gay guys talk about "gaydar" and about how they just "knew." My first clue that they were full of it was when some of the same people would declare to my spouse that I was "incurably straight." Many of these people were nice, fun people to be around, but I always would laugh to myself about their false confidence.

in other words, I think the gay community wants to have a persona, but struggles to do so.

 

Part of the reason I did not come out sooner as a bisexual is because I thought I would be perceived as having the desire to be "classically gay". I am almost the exact opposite of the stereotype. It was not about trying not to be "gay"...it was just who I was and I felt that identity could be lost.

Those fears linger. I am only partially out and one of the reasons I can't be fully out is this. I know that some gay guys like to be "classically gay" . I think because it can be accepted behavior within the culture. That's OK. But, each of us needs to be who we are.

I met a great guy on one of the hookup sites. At first he really laid on the "I'm gay" persona. As we have become friends that persona was not who he was...just a regular guy.

 

You're not the only person having these kinds of questions... One gay friend of mine insists on calling me "girl," or his "sister," or suggesting I go hang out with extraordinarily effeminate men. He says all that is part of "our culture." I've asked him more than once to knock it off: I'm a man. Period. To me, what makes me gay is that I find other men sexually attractive. I want to flirt with them, touch them, cuddle with them, and so forth. I don't want to relate to other men the same way that straight men do, but that does not mean I need to act like some gay stereotype. And that's all there is to it; (I'm about to say this for the first time ever) I'm proud to be a stereotypically masculine gay man.

 

Stereotypically masculine gay man. I love that, crazydog. That's me.