Hi All, I was hoping I could share my story with you all and get some honest feedback. I actually joined this forum because I've been feeling so lonely about my situation and just wish I could share it somewhere. Okay, I'll try and keep this as short and sweet as possible So...i'm now in my 40s and I came out in my 20s. But I actually have never been in a relationship. In my early 30s I waivered between men and women. Finally, after steering clear of a guy who liked me, and feeling all this confusion about my preferences, I had a moment of clarity in which I realized I would know love when I experienced it and I didn't need to ever try to make it happen. It was a very liberating moment! A few months later I met a woman who touched my life. At first things were normal. She was just an associate. Then one day when I was in the office kitchen she walked in and said something to me (from behind). This was the first time we had actually ever spoken and straight away I experienced a shock of energy up my spine, along with the awareness (that's all I can think to call it) that I would spend my life with her. So...about six months after that incident I emailed her and told her of my feelings. I told her I had heard she was straight so I just needed to get this off my chest. She took it well, was very sweet and encouraging of a friendship. I said maybe one day. A few months later I ran into her on a random street in a neighboring suburb. She asked me to come over for lunch. So the next day we meet for lunch and that was the real beginning of our friendship. We began meeting every week for a meal and I quickly fell head over heels. I felt like she felt the same but wasn't sure and didn't want to push it. At one point we decided not to be friends anymore. It was because she told me we'd never be together and I said my feelings were too strong. Then a year later she asked if we could be friends again. So we resumed things. When we met up for the first time she told me she felt afraid of being loved and that that was what had caused our friendship to breakdown from her side. So then I thought "wow, she's definitely interested". And we became fast friends again, hanging out a lot. Then another confrontation (this time a bad one), in which she said she didn't want to be with me. So we stopped our friendship again. That was 1.5 years ago!!! She is still in my world. Nothing like she was before but I see her a few times a week and also on social outings. We just had a company trip and different people were in different hotels. I was staying at the hotel where the conference took place. She asked me if she could lie down in my room! I of course said yes...and couldn't stop thinking about her. Also, her mother recently became quite ill. She had a stroke. After the stroke, my friend told me that her mother asked her if she has a girlfriend....weird, I know. So there's nothing really happening there now. We have no contact other than at work events...but my goodness, my heart still beats for her. I just think I'll never be able to let go. It's the saddest thing because I would love to meet someone but you know how you just know you're not over someone? That's how I feel about her. And I know I can't approach her again. She would need to approach me because she was the one that said she didn't want to be with me. The weird thing I can't quite reconcile is that when I'm around her, it always feels like the connection is electric. It's so confusing to me. And I feel so stuck. Does anyone have any advice? I should also add that as far as I know she's never been with a woman...and also she's been single for the entire time I've known her (seven years...). She's also 10 years older than me. Thank you
i guess i just can't believe she's not in my life. i felt so deeply for her. i've never been so moved by someone before...which is half my problem. i am rarely moved by anyone. i really fell for this woman. ugh.
I can feel what you are feeling through detail of your story. Your feelings are strong and are probably being reinforced by ongoing hope triggered by events and her words. I too felt electricity going through my body when realized what I felt for her, later let her know and got rejected. I've never liked a girl In such way before. I see her weekly but it took me a while to accept that I need to let my hope go and work on protecting my feelings. This takes an effort as it is not easy to be consistent not to fall back into the wirlwind of thoughts and emotions. IMO the only choice you have is to decide whether you want to be completely done with her, meaning no communication even at company events, and to focus on search for another person who will truly value and protect your feelings. You are right, she is the one who needs to step up if there are feelings indeed. It seems that several times she left you after giving you hope, knowing that you long for her. This makes me feel really sad as I truly feel your pain, but am an outsider and can see that it was caused by her. I would not trust this person again with my feelings.. Did she tell you what her goal is? To meet a man, a woman? To have a family? To stay single?
Oh sweetie, it is hard enough to figure your own life out, much less that of someone else. Perhaps she's confused, perhaps she enjoys the attention. The fact is you've put your life on hold for a possibility. I'm not saying to write her off but get on with your life. Amazing things can happen when your not expecting them, but only if you allow it. I pined for someone for years--thought I was in love. Thought we were in love and if only this or that would happen, then all would be good. It was literally always something. I'm not saying you should go looking, but keep an open mind and heart. Sometimes the fact that we can't have something makes us want it all the more.
I really really appreciate your comments bc I feel so lost in this. It's weird because I don't perceive her as calculating or mean...just very afraid. I just never imagined a day would come when I would be without her. Even though we never actually got together, lol!!! Once she told me she was going to move and that she was looking to share with others. She said she found a gay household and she wondered if I would come and stay...that's actually when things fell apart bc one minute she'd be indicating interest and the next she'd pull right back. Based on my own experience I think she's just not sure or ready. I definitely don't want anyone doing anything they don't want to do because of me so in that regard I'm glad we fell apart. I would want her to be more sure of herself. Anyway...thank you so much for the support. I'm so sick of feeling heart broken
