What I have finally learned

This is the text of an email I sent to my very special four friends who have helped so much in the last 18 months since I started this journey.

Hi All….
I wanted to share with you something that I came to understand just recently. It has helped me a lot as I work to understand and accept myself more fully. There are four parts to this.

1) I was gay. That of course seems simple, but for many people it takes years to accept those three simple words. In my case I knew I was different from other boys by about age ten. I didn’t know how I was different, but I could feel that what interested me and what interested other boys was just not the same. There was no sexual component to it, just a feeling of difference. I had never heard the words gay, faggot or homosexual. At 10 years old I only knew that I was somehow different.

2) There was nothing wrong with being different. This took a lot longer to realize. I was somewhere between 15 and 18 when I understood that many people were different and there was nothing out of the ordinary about being different than others. However, by then I had heard some of those words and knew they weren’t considered good. I was quite naive but I had nonetheless came to the conclusion that those words were not considered socially acceptable and I did not want to be labeled with one of them. Thus began the masquerade. If acting in a certain way resulted in being called one of those names, then I would not act that way. I had begun to understand the sexual connotations of those terms and was horrified to be singled out in that way. I had also realized by this time that I was really more interested in boys than girls although I didn’t know how or why.

3) People who were different in the way that I was where often treated more like animals than humans. They were considered the filthiest of creatures, totally worthless to society and best used for target practice. Of course this terrified me. I hadn’t done anything wrong, indeed I had never had any kind of a “gay” experience, even a kiss. Yet, if it had been known that I was gay, I would have lost my job, been kicked out of my house and quite literally run out of town. This was far more than I could endure (around age 21). I made the only choice that I thought would work for me. I would become a teacher, as I had always wanted to do. I would wear the mask of a straight man in every way. I would get married and have children and I would “lock away the gay” for the rest of my life. Thus I lead my life for over 50 years, lying to both the world and to myself. However, three years ago I reached a crises. Poor health forced me to retire from the job the I truly loved. Now with no job to keep me busy and with poor health so that I couldn’t work anyway, my ability to continue the masquerade began to fail. I was quickly falling into depression and panic. It seemed that everything that I had built up over the years was about to come crashing down on me. I had kept the secret of being gay completely to myself for 55 years. I felt that coming out now would destroy both myself, my family and the many students that I had grown to legitimately care for over the years. In a desperate effort to find a solution, I came out on a LGBT support website (empty closets). While that helped, it did not solve the problem. I knew that was not enough. The four of you that I am now writing to were my next step. I felt that I could trust you with the darkest secret of my life and I was so very desperate to be able to talk to someone. I can’t thank the four of you enough because when I so need your support, you were there for me. At that point the hole in the dam was at least temporarily plugged. However, again, I knew that this was not not enough. I was fortunate to find a LGBT therapist and have been seeing him now for about sixteen months. His help has saved me several times when I had reached another crises. After much soul-searching and discussion with my therapist, I have made several breakthoughs, some of which are listed above. The most important realization came to me last week and is the reason for this excessively long email.

4) I was always meant to be this way. Being gay is normal for me! This again may seem quite simple, but for me it was the final “Piece of the Puzzle”. I have fought my whole life trying to be something that I was not. Something that I was never meant to be. “Different” for me was normal, I just never understood that. I don’t regret the life that I have lived. I had a wonderful job for 41 years, have been married to a wonderful lady for 38 years, have three wonderful sons and four wonderful grandkids, but now I finally understand myself and that is wonderful too. I don’t expect to make any major life-style changes any time soon, but just finally understanding why I have felt so close to hysteria for so long is an amazing gift. Being able to share it with the four of you is such a blessing. Having a wife that understood me and accepted me with love when I came out to her is more than I could have ever hoped for. I may have “found myself” later in life, but at least I did and right now I am more at peace with myself than I have ever been. Thank you for the part that each of you played in helping me “Find My Way”.

(and thank you also to all of you here on EC that have responded to my posts since about Christmas of 2014)

David