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Anyone else leave a straight marriage?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Eab91, Aug 21, 2016.

  1. Eab91

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    I recently came out to my husband(soon to be ex) that I am a lesbian. It is so difficult when people ask WHY we are getting a divorce... because I am not all the way out. It is such a weird predicament, because I still love my husband, but I am not sexually attracted to men... We are going through a divorce but are remaining friends. I feel like I am alone in this situation, no one I know can relate with all these mixed emotions. :bang:
     
  2. I'm gay

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    I came out to my wife of 20 years two months ago. We will divorce at some point, but I'm working on the coming out part first.

    You are definitely not alone.
     
    #2 I'm gay, Aug 21, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2016
  3. Eab91

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    I'm glad I'm not alone, but I'm sorry you're going through the same thing. I am working on the coming out part as well. I have only told a handful of people.
     
  4. FoxSong

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    Yup, been through the whole divorcing but staying friends thing. It's tough at first, there are unexpected stumbling points, but if you guys are honest about your feelings you can make it work.

    My marriage ended for similar reasons to yours nearly two years ago now and we are still friends. It's rough in places but not insurmountable :slight_smile:
     
  5. Eab91

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    Thank you!! It is definitely tough.
     
  6. ThatGirlShauna

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    I only came out to my husband a month ago, and I've just run with it and come out to EVERYONE at the same time. It is hard, but I didn't want anyone blaming him.

    The being friends things might be difficult sometimes, easier sometimes. But you figure it out as you go, and do what works for you, regardless of what other people say.
     
  7. DecL

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    I didn't come out to my husband like you he hacked into all my personal accounts and he although we've been separated even before that. He knew but didn't let me know rather he's been very distant and just recently gives sarcastic remarks. I think my family knows but chose not to talk about it.I don't think I can be friends with him probably just civil enough to talk matters about our son.
     
  8. Anthemic

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    I see this topic way too much on EC. I just want you to know that I understand how you feel. I've never been in your situation before, but I tend to be able to relate to people because of my people skills, haha. May I ask why you married him?
     
  9. Choirboy

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    I came out to my wife 3 years ago, after being married for 20 years. I didn't really come out because I was desperate for a guy; what I was desperate for was happiness and self-respect. Our marriage was not happy for a variety of reasons; she felt like she was "losing her best friend" whereas I felt like I was certainly HER best friend, but she was not even remotely mine. We divorced a little over a year ago, but actually did a legal separation (for now) to give her time to adjust while I still carry her on my insurance and cover some of the more major bills.

    We also have two daughters, a high school sophomore and a college freshman, who have been equally understanding about both the split and my being gay. And I met a guy in similar circumstances who I am in a very happy relationship with. I have days of panic and worry, and have had some rejection along the way, but it hasn't been anything I couldn't handle if I work at it.

    She and I have maintained a sort of awkward friendship, which mainly consists of me biting my tongue when she goes on a rant, and listening to her thrills and woes whenever she calls, which might be 5 or 6 times a day, or nothing at all for days on end. Basically like our marriage, only without the awkwardness of weathering the chills and storms on premise.

    I usually tell people that the situation was complicated but we're trying to be friends, and leave it at that, unless they press for details. Really, it's nobody's business but yours what you choose to report. I largely used coming out as the way to shield her from it all, and told her she was welcome to tell people I left because I was gay, rather than because I couldn't get along with her and left as a result. I didn't want people to say she was too much of a bitch to keep her husband, although that's really close to the truth. I would have happily stayed with her forever if I felt that the relationship was healthy and I was getting he family I really wanted. But in the process I've ended up with a different kind of relationship that is making me realize what I missed all those years.

    You're not alone by any means. If I've learned anything throughout all this, it's that we are a much larger number than I ever imagined.
     
  10. Eab91

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    I married him because I loved him. I had always seen myself as BI before, but within the last few years my sexual and emotional attraction to men dissipated completely. I think that I was so scared to accept who I truly was, and I thought that me liking woman was "wrong and not normal." When I finally starting trying to accept myself, I was able to be true to myself about the feelings I had towards woman, and the lack of feelings towards men.
     
  11. TheDogs

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    Hi
    I'm new here; first post but totally identified with your situation. I'm in a 20 year relationship with a woman. Have always known I was gay but didn't do anything about it ever until last 12 months my partner and I have had a psychological disconnect as I lost respect for the way she was conducting herself, and thus I began to really examine both the relationship and what I would do if it ended. This has caused my to truly admit and accept that I am Gay and have made the decision to come out soon; feel that I'm cracking up at times as I kind of feel that I need to just get on with it, but waiting for counselling to help me think it through a bit. I have not had any sexual contact with my partner for years now. Recently had a couple of slow sensuous contact session with a man I like and I think I'm more upset by the fact that I never realised that having that contact would be so loving and powerful. It felt 110% right. Never experienced anything like that with my female partner. Lots of wasted years. Have no sexual attraction to woman now. Need to move things in. Good on you for taking the step and telling your partners. I'm not quite there yet but I'll get there. Absolutely terrified of doing it but know I must.
    This site is a godsend. Have been lurking for a while. Felt I had to post to say to you guys as I admired your honesty
     
  12. I'm gay

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    Hey Dogs, welcome aboard! You said 20 year relationship and partner. So you didn't marry, then? I would love to hear your whole story if you're willing to share. Start a new thread and get it off your chest. You'll feel better. (*hug*)
     
  13. TheDogs

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    Thanks, I might do that when I have time. I'm still in that sneaking about mode, always worried I'm going to be caught or outed by being caught in this website or others. I'm so exhausted by the whole thing tbh, absolutely had enough of feeling this way. Really need to just start the ball rolling and come out to her (no we never married, I never wanted to) but am listening to advice I've been given about talking it through in counselling first (fist session in a few days). Meanwhile I get physical more ill each day, can't sleep, can't eat much, feel sick. This needs to stop as I'm generally a very happy and healthy guy. I might not last tile next week's counselling...that's what I'm scared of tbh...difficult... But ultimately I still retain a great amount of hope that everything will be better in the end up...and il be living a life true to myself...
     
  14. I'm gay

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    I felt exactly this way in June right before coming out to my wife. I couldn't eat or sleep. I lost 15 pounds in 3 weeks. I figured out that feeling like this was the anxiety over coming out. After I told my wife of 20 years, the anxiety went away and I resumed being able to eat and sleep. I have since come out to about 25 people and I feel better than I have in a very long time.

    You already know what to do. You need only summon the courage to do so.

    I didn't come out to my wife in a therapy session. I do wonder how it would have been different if I had.
     
  15. TheDogs

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    That's good to know that the anxiety left you once you plucked up the courage and told her. I really need to do it. It's killing me. Maybe tomorrow..
     
  16. Eab91

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    Welcome. And I glad we can all be here to support each other. Our situations are very similar. I think once you tell your wife(when you're ready) you will be on your way to true happiness.
     
  17. TheDogs

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    Thanks you eab91 for your kind words and apologies if I high jacked your thread. The quest for true happiness is exactly what is driving this. Whether or not there is such a thing and I am likely to find it is, to me, a huge "if" but feel I have to try and the status quo just can't go on any more. Feel I have to walk through a very long fire in order to perhaps find the soothing sands at the other side that may or may not be there....
     
  18. Anthemic

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    This kind of thing happens SO MUCH. You did your best and you tried to do what you thought was right. I have the utmost respect for you. But now, it's your time to be truly happy. (*hug*)
     
  19. Eab91

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    Thank you so much(*hug*)I am working on becoming happy.
     
  20. Teach1

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    I am currently separated from my wife of 18 years. I am certain that we will eventually divorce. The feelings of guilt that I have had for coming out are beginning to subside. I am beginning to "feel more gay" each day.

    Happy for you in this exciting time.