So as we're going through the motions of the separation, we've not yet reached a point where we're ready to share it with anyone. Much of this is that people in my life are invariably connected to my husband and daughter as well, except for my work colleagues. I do think it's for the best for the time being to wait on divulging a lot of this for my husband and daughter's sake. But of course even before the separation, there was this year of me coming out, and before that for nearly all of our married life, feeling just all wrong in our marriage. I'm starting to feel a sort of exhaustion, resentment and strain at having to put on a charade of this a life I'm not really leading, and this person who isn't really me. This outer facade of having a fairly normal mostly harmonious marriage, living a life that makes sense for the most part. All of that is a total fiction. This has come up a lot lately in spending time with all of these parents from our daughter's nursery, our other mutual friends, even in chit-chatting with people at work... Invariably I end up mentioning my husband, our family life, whether we have plans for a second kid (which is a point of grief for me, perhaps not being able to have another one), etc etc. I mean honestly I'm so goddamn tired of the performances. Not just now, the performances I've lived all my life. The performance of being straight, the performance of being more feminine than felt true to me, the proper mum who has it all together, the performance of being in a happy married life.... I can't do it anymore, it's breaking my spirit. I just want to be me. I'm just so tired of not being me. I'm not in this fictional life, I'm not this fictional person. Does anyone have any insight? Can anyone relate?
I can definitely relate. My partner and I haven't told many people that we've separated and aren't even living together anymore. This might sound particularly weird, but I really think about disabling all of my social media a lot, because it feels like a lot of lies. Though I've been told that you don't exactly think we're together by looking at it, but still I can't post anything about where I live, my roommates, dating, etc. I used to be somebody who shared everything (which is too much too) but now I share nothing. It's a weird balance.
The pretending and faking was the most chronically exhausting thing about being closeted. Even just being real with a few people early on was such a relief. But, now I feel more keenly every fake feeling interaction, because sometimes I have something better now. So, thinking about hiding as much as you have to, that makes me kind of nauseous. The main closeted interactions I have are with clients. It really bothers me to not share with them, because it feels relevant. But, I understand why I'm not supposed to share that, because sessions need to be about them not me. But, I hate that it would sometimes be appropriate and useful to take about a boy friend or husband, because I could use it to illustrate something without being distracting. But, I hate the double standard.
The pretending is so hard. I completely understand what you're saying. Now that I've taken off those masks in 99% of places, the 1% that I wear them it's so hard to do. It's hard to look back and think of the pain of pretending.
I can relate too. I'd felt this way before I was even questioning. That our happy little family life was a performance put on for the benefit of others. It's hard to pretend everything was wonderful, when it wasn't. At the moment it's discussion about the future that I'm finding difficult.
I never felt like I was pretending until I came out to myself two years ago. During the entire time I was in denial my sense of what felt "real" was intact. After coming out to myself - I felt like a total fraud to everyone around me. It didn't happen immediately, but over time, yes, it began to feel like pretending. Ultimately I couldn't take the dishonesty and pretending and it's a big part of why I came out.
not quite in the manner you are, but yes. during the last years of my marriage I put on a "brave face" hiding the extent of my ex's mental illness, only to a few like my parents and immediate support network did I be open. and after when I came out to myself having a conscious closet rather than one I hid even from myself. so yeah I do get it, and it sucks. but you do have a light at the end of the tunnel (and no it isn't the train :icon_wink) our journeys take just as long as they have to, I've been told.... (*hug*)
I can totally understand this. I am behind you guys, but I just took some big steps in coming out to myself the last few days, and fully accepting I am gay, not just sexually but realizing that its the only way i can experience intimacy with someone else. once I accepted this, I immediately felt the the burden is no longer being gay but realizing the entire life i have been living is a fiction. Although I am not married or in a relationship, I have put up a lot of barriers to myself and now I just want them to come down.
