Still questioning at 33

Hi mkbelle,

Wow, so much going on here. You definitely sound at the very least curious. You've already come to terms with that. The question is, are you willing to explore those feelings to get answers? Or, are you going to suppress those feelings to live a more "heteronormative" life. Personally, I think you should realize those feelings and see for yourself if they are an indication of your true self, or just a fantasy. If it is just a fantasy, that's not a bad thing, and doesn't make you bad, weird, or a lesbian. But what if those feelings really lead to some self-discoveries. Let's assume that you are, at the very least bisexual, and you ignore those feelings. Those feelings may always be with you and "pop up" through out your life. What if you "settle" on a guy that you don't feel a 100% connection with. Later on, you decide to marry him because it's the "normal" thing to do. Next thing you know, you have a home and a family. 10-15 years later, you realize you can't deny those feelings any longer. Now, you've affected an entire family while you try to find yourself. I'm of the opinion that you should figure that out now while you are still young enough (That's right, you are not too old to come to terms with your sexual orientation. More on that later.) to go in the direction you were alway meant to go. It doesn't mean that you have to become a lesbian. It just means that you are aware that there is a possibility, and you want to make sure about who you truly are before you make any major life decisions that could affect many lives down the road. So, again, yes, I think you should explore those feelings. If you are single and able to explore them. So now I'm going to try to tackle those questions in the last paragraph. Sorry this is so long.

If you are single and unwilling to explore that side of you, then you have to ask yourself "why not?" Are you afraid to come out as a lesbian or bisexual? Then yes, you might be afraid to "venture out of heteronormative culture".

This website is a wonderful resource that you can use to educate yourself and ask for advice on. So it kinda acts like your LGBT family!!

You would "come out" at your age, just as you would at any other age. There is no age restriction on self realization. Or wanting to live your life as you truly are. You will have those that are accepting, and some that maybe aren't so accepting. Just like at any age. The big difference is, that you are not dependent on anyone else. So this is you living your life!!! Enjoy it for all it's worth!!

How do you know for sure? You just do. See, all of those questions your having now? Yeah, they won't exists anymore. Or at least not to that extent. We, as individuals, are constantly evolving. So yeah, it's normal to question your sexuality from time to time. It's just easier when you know the answers.

I am going to answer the next three questions together since they kinda go together. First off, don't make any proclamations. You are just in the discovery stage. You can't say you are something without know for sure yourself. So, if someone ABSOLUTELY has to have a label, just tell them a.) you are trying to figure that out yourself. b.) that you are just curious right now. and/or c.) you are bisexual. And if you discover that you are a lesbian, that is no different than a straight relationship. So if you were to "find Mr. Right" and you are in a monogamous relationship with a woman. That would be cheating. But if you are not in a monogamous relationship and are just dating and you do happen upon Mr. Right, AWESOME!!! Congratulations!! When I came out as transgender, people just assumed that meant I was gay. So, I described my sexuality as "I am bisexual in a straight, monogamous, lifetime, relationship." Which, now that I am a trans female, it kinda does mean I'm gay, since I'm with my wife So, if you did find "the right man" you probably wouldn't stop being attracted to women. Let me ask you this, if you are with "the right man", would you still be attracted to men? Being attracted to people is different than cheating. You can be attracted to many people, you just shouldn't act on it if you're in a committed relationship.

And finally the age questions again. It would totally be an individual preference as to whether or not someone would be interested in you at your age (which is still young, mind you). As far as you being a "new lesbian". It is important to communicate this to someone you are interested in because a lot of times, they don't want to put themselves out there and become emotionally attached to you only to find that you are not truly a lesbian. So that's an individual comfort level thing. And that applies to all people not just lesbians. And so far, the LGBT community that I have come to know, isn't going to judge you because of your age. Most likely you will be accepted with open arms.

WOW this was sooooo looooooong!!! So, sorry for that. I hope it helps. And again, this is just MY opinion on these matters. Remember to always love yourself, no matter who you find you are, and please be safe!! Good luck!!!

 

MkBelle, welcome to EC. Don't worry so much about what age you're coming out at. I came out earlier this year at 34. My girlfriend came out at 28. One woman I dated came out at 32, and another still wasn't out at 31. There's so many of us.

That heteronormative culture gets so ingrained into us that we don't even consider the idea that we might not be straight. I know that I didn't have any examples of lesbian women in my life, and I never really considered it a possibility that I could be lesbian until I worked with one. I had known I liked women, even said I was bi for many years, but I always dated men. But after 6 years alone, wondering why I couldn't find a single man I was interested in, I thought "why don't I date women? I've always liked them, and have crushes on them." So, I did. And then, BAM! It's like all the world became so much clearer. "Oh, that's why I never wanted to look at guys my friends called hot." And "What, you're supposed to get turned on like that." All my lack of interest became clear.

There's so many possibilities as far as labeling goes, but you don't have to commit to a label unless you want to. You don't owe any explanations to anyone. Just follow your heart.

 

People can come out and or know their sex preferences at any age... Only difference is your outer life is more complex general when u are older.
Al

 

Yeah, don't worry about your age - I only came out fully this month, and I'm 39! And up till then, the *only* person who knew was my wife, and that wasnt till I was 37. The earlier you are able to address it (without forcing it, of course), the less time you'll spend living in confusion, but it can be done at any age

 

Hey you sound a lot like me only I was in my mid 20's and hadnt ever been in a relationship with a guy.
When I first joined EC I literally felt as though I was the only person in the world who had realised they might be gay over 25 and I had all of those exact concerns you have listed about being wrong etc. What I found is that actually its a lot more common than you think.
Ill run through your questions

Have I just been in denial all this time?
Maybe, or maybe not even denial but obliviousness or just chosing not to deal with it rather than forceful denial. I think you have to get to the right place to deal with your sexuality and maybe for you that is now

Have I just been afraid to venture out of heteronormative culture?
Possibly, society is so geared and guided towards straight that its easy to just go with the flow. Its a bit like a lazy river, you have to make a real effort to get off and stop floating along with the current.

I don’t really have any LGTB friends or family.
Well thats ok, I am now totally out and I do know a few LGBT people but almost all of my friends are straight. Having gay friends can be helpful sometimes but accepting your sexuality or coming out doesnt mean you have to surround yourself with LGBT people

How would I come out at my age?
I think its difficult to come out at any age but I do get your concerns. I think there are parts of coming out which are easier younger and parts easier later in life but its always possible.

How do I know for sure?
In my experience its difficult to be 100% sure when you are just dealing with it in your mind. Human brains are amazing but they can also be your worst emeny when they make you doubt yourself and constantly make the things go round and round and round in your head.

What if I declare myself a lesbian and then somehow “the right man” appears in my life?
This was literally my worst fear before I came out. Eventually I came to the conclusion that the worst case scenario was I came out and then fell head over heels in love with a guy. It would be a little awkward when I told people sure but everyone would get over it and in fact I probably wouldnt care because id be in love with the guy.

Even if I found “the right man,” would I stop being attracted to women too?
Who knows, sexuality is complicated and fluid, nobody can ever say what will happen in the future but if you never did anything because of what could happen then life would be very limited. If it helps when you first come out you could say not straight or that you are questioning rather than lesbian. Not that im saying you shouldnt come out as lesbian, I mean all labels are reversable its not a one way street.

If I want to pursue a relationship with a woman, would any of them mind being with someone of my age that is a “new” lesbian? I feel like coming out at my age I’d be judged harshly by both the hetero community and the LGBT community.
Some of them might mind sure but then you have to think are they the kind of women you want to be with. The right women wont care

Does any of this make sense?
Perfect sense I promise