First, I have read all the replies to my posts and attempted to follow the kind suggestions given. Thank you all for the kindness and support. As of today, I feel scared, alone, and helpless in my struggle. I think I am headed in a bad direction that needs to be interrupted. I need to talk to someone ( voice to voice ) privately about my issue.the problem with this is where I live ( small southern town U.S.A ) is that there is no one safe to talk to about such matters. Alot of hate and judgements to be found but no support. I haven't been able to take time to drive to a bigger town to find options. It's a little bit of a long drive to do and I honestly don't have the time to make it. I wish I had one gay male friend in person I could talk to. It would be a huge help. I wish I still lived in Palm Springs. They are more inviting and over alot more resources and people. To be blunt honest here, I need to be having a drink or two at a gay bar with gay male friends and relaxing. I need to feel okay about myself, and wanted by people who understand me cause they are like me. Not saying to get drunk and have sex with anyone, but not stressing out alone. Good people and good times and letting life happen. Ugh.... Maybe I do need to get laid my a guy!!!! Ugh!!!! Sorry, shouldn't of really express that last thought. Anyways, my update. I suck...at being me.:bang::bang:
No you do not suck at being you. Even though I am in a committed marriage and ador my wife, I,simply needed to be around other gay and bisexual men. I hungered for what you describe. I have just started finding this. Being only partially out and living in a small town I took a rather unusual approach to this. A word of warning is that this has been criticized here and may not work. I got on a gay hookup site and made a profile for "friends" not hookups. Then I started responding to other profiles and told them what I wanted. I received some nasty comments and more than a few offers for sex with young men. But, I now have several friends that I have that beer with. I also have a couple of friends with benefits. I live in a very liberal outdoorsy town. So. I am able to be pretty safe in doing this. It may not be the situation for you and you may need to be really really careful. For your sanity, you may need to make that trip to the city to find that environment. It is your life and the investment will need to be made. If I may ask. Why don't you relocate?
Max10 If you are as stuck as you say with no chance to make it to a larger gay community, you may be forced to do what I did. I know that the South is not a good place to be gay. But, are there any other reasons you cannot be out such as family and work? The reason I ask is that if you take my route and try to find friends rather than sex partners in the hookup culture, there is a risk of getting outed. I am sort of out. I would call it not hiding.
Max10 You're the reason this forum is here So keep,posting. Many of us have felt the way you have and have figured out ways to work through it. I almost hooked up with a guy while married 6 months ago. In the small town I live in I was completely freaked that my wife's family would destroy me. I was pretty self destructive for a few days and started to consider suicide as a way out of the impending embarassment and economic issues. Of course this was an over reaction on my part. I told my wife, who laughed, we worked through the issues and now have a semi open marriage. Work is still an issue and so is her family. But, not life altering. Sometimes our fear makes it seem like we have no choices. I started sleeping again and I am the man I was a couple decades ago. Living in the closet was killing me a day at a time.
Have you thought of just taking a long weekend and go a big city for a break. Explore. Go to museums/ galleries, a LGBT cafe. Maybe a quiet LGBT bar. Not to hook up but just to be in a different environment to collect your thoughts. Then return to your home town with a list of things to do. Whether it is to get a local therapist, how to find a gay person in your home town for that 1:1 conversation you desperately want, finding a Meetup.com group or applying for jobs in a bigger city. Getting away may help you see the world from a different view point and clear the cobwebs.
How far do you actually live from Mobile? If I recall correctly Mobile has a few gay bars. I second the idea of a weekend away. Whenever my husband and I travel we make it a point to sort of tap into the local gay scene and we've always found great people and made friends, maybe that would help things feel a little more normal.
It sounds like it is a pain to do nothing too. You can rely on this forum to help build some confidence in accepting your sexuality. It is a great resource. After you build some level of confidence and acceptance the journey to the Mobile or Pensacola may need to be in your plans. Even if you haven't developed the confidence yet to meet other gay men, it still seems like the idea of interjecting some diversity in your life is a good idea. Sometimes in small conservative towns, sexuality is not the only thing that becomes closeted. I know this as I lived in a very conservative small town for several decades. But, I sought out options to get away on occasion. If there is any way to work that in to your life, I would highly recommend it. ---------- Post added 24th Aug 2016 at 07:51 AM ---------- Hey. Couldn't help myself so I googled Foley and Pensacola. It looks like you are an hour away? I understand that Pensacola may have some gay friendly venues. Make the trip. Check out the guys on the beach. Start to get comfortable about your gay desires. Visit a bar...any bar. Talk to guys...any guys...it doesn't need to be about being gay. Sometimes bonding with another guy over anything can help you understand your feelings. I flirted with guys for years while closeted. I just wanted to be with men. It provided a lot of what I needed. It wasn't a sexual thing.
Hey MAX10, if talking on the phone would be helpful, you could contact a LGBT center by email perhaps, and ask if there's someone there who you could talk with on the phone. Tell them your situation and I bet they've heard it all before and would want to help. Several years ago I did that, but it was to meet in person so I went and talked to a counselor at a LGBT clinic, but I'm sure it could have been a phone conversation instead. How about making an appointment with a therapist? I finally did that after months if not years of considering it and of course I wish I had done it much sooner. Although the Trevor Project says it's for youth, I'm sure they could offer some help, find a local resource for you and it says you can call, text or chat so there are a few ways to reach out for help. As others said, EC is a great place to at least have some connection to others who support you. Take care!! Trevor Support Center | The Trevor Project
