The truth is I knew 25 years ago that what I really wanted was to settle down with a woman, build my life with a woman. That thought I had when I was trying to come out to my brother 25 years ago - it was just a flash of thought...me with a woman, bringing her home to meet my family. Then thinking of my dad and the frozen terror I felt at that point. (And yet now, after telling my dad, it's like, i wonder what the f* was all that fear about anyway?) This is on my mind I suppose because I'm planning to call my brother today to tell him about the separation. He knows something's wrong and he's worried about me. I'm just remembering that moment of clarity and I'm not sure how I feel about it at the moment. ...not sure how to turn this into a question or discussion.... But of course share, as always, anything you guys want. ---------- Post added 24th Aug 2016 at 01:13 AM ---------- *15 years ago Sorry - I meant 15 ---------- Post added 24th Aug 2016 at 01:14 AM ---------- I was 22, not 12 (sorry, too late to edit)
It's so easy for us to look back and say we should have done this or that. But we can't change any of it, so really we're just building regret for no reason. I wish I had come out in high school and had opportunity to do it. Part of me wishes I had never dated a girl for 7 years after college, when I was openly quite gay and just ended up confusing a lot of things. I wonder if I hadn't stayed single if by now I might not be deep into a relationship with a guy, if not at least rasily accepting of my sexuality. At the least, I wouldn't be in the mess I am with a messy straight "relationship" and everything else. But then it's all part of my story and it's not going to change. I'm never going to be the guy who came out in high school. I'm always going to have two relationships with women u see my belt, including a wedding and almost a marriage. Instead I should embrace that these things are part of my history and learn from them, and build forward. I think it's great that you're going to tell your brother. Don't focus on how you could have told him years ago. Celebrate that you're ready to tell him now!
Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda. I think we've all played that game. the decisions we made back then were the right decisions for us in that place and time. besides, there ain't no going back to change things now. I hid for survival, others for social reasons, others for religious reasons. we all do what we have to do and that's the right thing at the right time, it's only with the privilege of 'hindsight' that we get to "Monday Morning Quarterback" it. move forward, share with your brother your amazing journey from here out, then when you're ready with friends, other family, etc. time is the key past and present and the future will be coming wither we want it or not, haha (*hug*)
It's part of the journey. Figuring out what you knew and when you knew it. As you continue, you will find more and more clarity. This is only the beginning.
