Hi!, I'm a 58 year old more or less attractive more or less bi male. Not infrequently I think I have concerns during sex that I'm not feeling enough from sex with my wife and that maybe I'm really just only gay. It's true that with men I'm mostly attracted to a sense of "maleness"... (Kind of like smelling male cologne), and that attraction can pretty much operate regardless of what they look like, Whether I like or admire them... Etc. With women... The looks, way of kissing and having sex all conspire to give me a "yes" I like that or "no" I don't like that.... So when we are fucking I might be going pretty good and then she will more into a position she likes but I don't like...and I'll start to feel not attracted and sortof worry about it... Help!! Al ---------- Post added 24th Aug 2016 at 01:57 PM ---------- Thanks
I can relate. I'm bisexual too, and certain activities/ positions with my wife turn me on more than others. My favorite is actually going down on her. I think it's normal to feel the way you do. For me, the continued fact that yes, I'm attracted to some men and some women keeps me pretty grounded and confident that I'm bi. I know it can vary a lot from person to person, but that's my experience, FWIW. Best to you!
Hi Omla, it sounds like you're just getting into a physical position that has less sensation for you, and a diminished sensation in that moment is getting turned around in your head as being a mental thing rather than just a physical thing. Are you losing your erection during these moments? If not, then I would suggest that you work with her on those positions she likes for a while, then go to positions that give you more sensation, like trading back and forth. Does this make sense?
Relationships are about more than sex. Focusing just on the sex is ignoring the deeper factors such as emotions and feelings of both of you, intimacy, trust, commitment... that are the building blocks of love. I suggest looking at those deeper aspects, vis-a-vis you and your partner(s), as they are the fundamental causes of sexual performance and pleasure.
I have had this problem with my wife. Just recently out Bi and now she only seems to want sex one way. Not sure what to make of it. Before I came out she was very much into exploring and trying new things.I guess I feel a little neglected when she reacts this way and I lose interest. I think maybe the both of us need to get out of our heads..."that is where sex goes to die" at least in my experience.
I very much appreciate the feedback, and I see I am not alone. I really also appreciate the openess. All the suggestions are good, but it's so hard to tell if I'm just not into women so much, or just not into her... And of course, she didn't bargain for this. ---------- Post added 27th Aug 2016 at 11:37 PM ---------- I was at a gay club tonite and met a pretty cool and attractive Portuguese guy who likes me somewhat.... He's been married 2x and feels now he's just not attracted to them.
Specifically, it when she changes to a more "open" position..... I feel like I'm just pleasuring her in a kind of "static" way... Like she's making herself avail for the best "charge" (orgasm). I think I start to feel that that is what women need to do and since I'll never really like it that much... It means I don't like women. Ugg!
Omla Beingdude has a point that is really worth considering. If you are bisexual and wish to maintain your sexual relationship with your wife. I was closeted for years. Now that I my wife has agreed that I can have sex with men (limits), it is consuming my sexual energy. This is a risk. So, I am being really careful to make an effort to be intimate in all forms with my wife. We touch and hug constantly through the day. This translates into lovemaking that has become more deeply emotional and the sexual pleasure is less of a part of it. It is still there of course but the sex is less goal oriented.
Before my wife and I separated, our sex life had become like that. She rarely wanted it and only ever wanted one position. One day during a fight a few weeks ago, she said to me that she didn't want to do other things out of fear that I just wanted them because I could pretend I was with a guy during them. Her discomfort with my sexuality was killer to our sex lives.
Hello my friend! I do find the above interesting.... I'm thinking that as sexual insecurity increases, people start sortof defend their "sexual bottom line" somehow.... I know how this insight feels but I'll try to put it better and write again later.
Hi Omla, I'm a mature man, out to my wife as bi for about 8 months. Similar issues with intimacy with my wife. At times I am able to be totally immersed in passionate sex with her. Much like Adray suggested, going down on her brings her pleasure, without having intercourse. I tell myself because we can have these moments I must be bisexual...I can't be g__. I can only just touch my true orientation. It's beginning to feel more and more to me, like I maybe gayer than I admit. Beautiful/provocatively dressed women definitely turn my head, but as I read in another post, are the brief fantasies of 'what it might be like to bed them' there? I have to say anymore, for myself, I don't think so. All my fantasies are of sex with men. Not to say sex is all there is to a relationship, but in these early stages of comming out I think our 40/50...years of repressed same sex desires, leave us very hungry sexually. I don't mean to burden you with my insecurities but I hoped sharing some of the thought processes I'm going through, as a mature questioning man, might help. Good luck my friend.
Let's talk about bisexual vs gay. I know I'm gay because I recognize that I never really had sexual desire for women. That didn't prevent me from having satisfying sex with women, but I know I didn't hunger for it. There were certainly times for me , especially going down on her (can't we just say cunilingus - see how gay I am, I don't even like the word cunilingus!). It always felt like I was performing a role. I'm a good actor, pat on the back. But I know that I never really enjoyed it. Of course for a long time I thought no one enjoyed it and all guys just thought it was a necessary chore. Therefore, I figured out that I'm not really bisexual and could stop pretending that I was so I could stay in denial. If you truly had sexual desire for your wife, even if you don't now, it doesn't mean you are gay. You could be bisexual but are in a place now of leaning towards men. So for me, figuring out that I never really had desire for women was the key to figuring out the bi vs gay question.
That makes sense, Imgay47. I am bisexual. I've had, and continue to have, sexual desire for women and men. Bisexuals can have a wide variety of preferences, desires, etc., but I think we all share a basic attraction to both men and women. I've been married for 15 years, and I still like sex with my wife. And I find some guys sexy, too. FWIW, that's my experience.
Omla I am a pleaser. If the person I am having sex with is not into it then I don't find it particularily erotic. I was starting to feel I was not attracted, sexually, to my wife. Even though I fantasized about her all the time. After I came out to her we started working on our sex lives and she enjoys it more. It turns me on now a lot more. Plus, I am having some sex on the side with men. I am finding it is no different. When I get it right and pleasing them it turns me on. If I am not...blah. Sex is such a personal and variable thing. Our desires and appetites continue to change throughout our lives.
Wow ty for this input...life has been hell for me lately. Wife actually put on a strap on last week but now its back to the same ole stuff....also adding the pushing every button I have thing.!!!God and she knows them all. She says she is fine but then its hell every other day for us Maybe its me...don't have a clue anymore. Drinking btw doesn't seem to help...lol. ---------- Post added 2nd Sep 2016 at 08:07 PM ---------- Ty Omla...I do know what you are saying. Maybe that is it....or as my wife says maybe its that we are in our 50's now and things change as we age.Although in my case I'm the same except for my performance is lacking sometimes"physiology or pyschology"????I dont know!!! But same in my desires anyway. Maybe woman are different? and maybe its just what you say it is...marking their sexually boundary's.I think I need to drink more to figure this out.
