Every question has the same answer.

For me, if I asked myself similar types of questions about problems I've had, my past nonacceptance of my sexuality would certainly be a contributing factor, but usually there's a bunch of other causes thrown into the mix as well. Yep, its easy to mould it, and perhaps in some cases it's the largest single cause of a problem, but I've found it's almost always a bit more complicated than that.

Certainly though, whatever drove me to dealing with my sexuality, has also had a positive impact on many other areas in my life..

 

Wow, exactly! I totally feel like right now, the easy answer to so many things is "Aha, that was because I'm gay" (low sex drive, feeling of nothing ever being quite enough to make me truly happy even though outwardly everything is good, feeling like the future was always kind of bleak). So the easy answer is because I'm gay (if that is what this sudden and overwhelming midlife sexual attraction to women is!?!)

But I'm finding the harder question is what if I go through all this upheaval - end my marriage, split up my family, start dating again in my mid 40s only to find that sexuality was only a small part of the happiness puzzle.

I guess there's only one way to find out some things- too bad so much upheaval is required to get to that answer!
Hugs.

 

It seems to me that there is a big difference between self acknowledgment and self acceptance. When we come out to ourselves, we have reached a place of admitting something and dropping the doubt. Saying "I'm gay" is an example of this, and that is simply an acknowledgement. Then there seems to be disappointment that it didn't lead to a positive feeling and instead caused more doubt, fear and confusion. Eliminating those things requires the next step: self acceptance. That stage takes "I'm gay" and adds "I'm good with that."

Those two stages may or may not be close together. For me, it was two years.

 

I'm still heavily questioning and think I'm getting close to the realm of self-acknowledgment (but still not fully there). Self acceptance seems so far away for me -- any advice on how to bridge this mental gap sooner? This has been agonizing as of late for me, to the point that I never sleep well, can't concentrate at work, and just generally feel hopelessly depressed and I don't care about living anymore. I don't mean that I'm suicidal; I mean that I don't care about what actually happens to me in life right now, it all feels meaningless and the heartache is constant. I seem to be incapable of actually enjoying things. Going to social events just makes me feel worse. Seeing happy couples puts a boulder in my throat.

I'm starting a rigorous academic endeavor next week and I literally cannot afford, either mentally or financially, to have this weigh as heavy on my mind as it does right now. I need some way to be at peace with either not knowing, or to know and accept quicker.

 

I know exactly how you feel. I certainly went through periods of being unable to sleep well. I withdrew from the things I cared about and things that I was interested in. I felt like I was just going through the motions of living each day but without any real joy. I also believe that stuffing your gay feelings down also stuffs down many other feelings as well. Joy and happiness, passion, as well as negative feelings like anger. I spent so many years just going along without really feeling any strong emotions because I had blocked myself from those deep feelings.

This journey of self discovery is a process. It's longer for some than others. Unfortunately, I don't think there's a way to take a shortcut. The process takes as long as it takes, which is unique for each individual. Combating internalized homophobia, along with shame, fear, guilt, etc. is IMO the largest barrier to self acceptance.

Think about your fears. Really think about them and try to discover what you are afraid of. My fears mostly revolved around rejection from others. I feared that if I revealed myself and told anyone of my gay thoughts and feelings that I would be rejected - by loved ones, friends, other people who know me, society in general.

The truth is you don't really know what people are going to think. I realized that I was projecting my own internal homophobia onto other people and making assumptions that they will reject me. It was actually me that was rejecting me, and I was projecting those feelings onto other people.

When I was growing up (in the 70's and 80s) I believed that I was supposed to feel ashamed for being gay. And so I wore that shame.

So, my suggestion to you is to really examine your feelings. Do you feel a fear of discovery? Do you feel ashamed of your gay thoughts? Do you think people will reject you and think you are a bad person? Do you think you are a bad person, or a person who should be ashamed of yourself? Do you feel this is what you deserve?

Then realize that you are not your fears. You are not your worries. You are not what other people think you are (or even what you imagine that they think you are). So what are you really? The truth is you are perfect. Just as you are. This is who you were born to be. It may take time to accept that idea, but begin by telling yourself that you are a perfect version of you, and you aren't broken. You don't need to be fixed. You don't need to change yourself into some version of you that you believe other people will accept and love.

Give yourself a break and try to view this journey for what it is, a journey of self discovery. It may be a long journey but I truly believe it is worth it.

Good luck to you! (*hug*)