I have been come to realization that I am either gay or bisexual in feelings. I have been discussing my feelings with wife about my feelings on a slow pace. Sexually, I have issues with intimacy with my wife and she has asked me why I have little interest in sex with her. I have given her hints on my attraction to men and stated she is confused. Im not sure where I go from here
Hi. I know all about having sexual intimacy issues with my wife. I stopped being able to have sex with her years ago. One too many instances of losing my erection during intercourse caused me to stop trying. You self identified as straight but curious. In your post you say you're not sure if you're gay or bi. You might consider that calling yourself bi might be a desire to allow yourself to be "gay" but only partially, so you can still think of yourself as straight. If you have lost sexual interest in your wife, that's a big clue. I'm not saying that you are gay and not bisexual. Only you know your attractions, and bi people can have different attractions for people at different times. But ask yourself if you REALLY were attracted to your wife in a sexual way. Do you find yourself attracted to anyone else of either gender? This thought process is what I used to determine for me once and for all that I really am gay.
Well I just told my wife I sat down with her and told her that I loved her and enjoy her body and mind but I need more something that only a man satisfies.
I am attracted to both genders physically, but seem to connect with men more. I have an attraction sexually, conversationally and most men have more common interests with me. My wife seems to beleive me more since I have bringing but casually in bed that I like men and would love sex with men. I have given her permission to have sex with other men, she only wants me she says. However, she seems more open to it recently but not totally. I have increasing preferred her use toys on me instead of sex with her which is confusing her. She says she may need counseling and would divorce me if she totally beleived I like men more. I have cheated on her with another woman but sexually wasnt into that woman. She was more attractive, i connected with her but sexually no spark. This told me that woman dont do it for me
Hi Canesyes Sounds like this will take time. It is so hard knowing how someone will react, even if you know them. Is your wife accepting of LGBT? What does she want from the future? Do you know what you want? So many questions I know, but for myself I know I like women aswell, but don't want to sabotage my family life. I am just out to my partner, and began facing my sexuality when I fell for someone at work. With her it is very different in how it makes me feel, and she matters more than any men, on an emotional level. Sadly unrequitted, but liveable with. Take time to think what you want and discuss what really matters to you and your wife. Hope that makes some sense.
That would definately be direct, i gues being direct is always the easiest way. I need to be trie to myself and her ---------- Post added 26th Aug 2016 at 09:41 AM ---------- My wife doesnt talk about LGBT except that she has colleagues that are a part of group. She never has anything negative to day about them. My wife want a man only interested in her and we have teenagers. She has said that she would divorce if true, she may be seeing how I react to that. If I say I want het, i would still have thoughts of my feelings towards men. I have not approached or have been approached by men. I dont know how to see signs that a guy likes me or if they are gay. That is an issue, i need exposure to Gay community but dont know how to go about it ---------- Post added 26th Aug 2016 at 09:46 AM ---------- I can not maintain an erection with wife or a past fling I had recently with a woman. The fling was to see if it was because my long relationship with wife being problem of my sexual issues. I had same issue with fling woman. I dont get excited about herero porn. I do get excited about gay porn. Is this a clue? Or a phase of my life?
Hey Canesyes, You're taking the first steps in becoming a truer and more authentic person. It's a scary road, but I applaud you for taking the leap. It sounds like you are still figuring out your own sexuality, which I'm sure makes it even harder to communicate your needs to your wife. Have you sought therapy to work this out? I found it immensely helpful... and couples therapy too. Such an important tool in this situation. Your wife I'm sure is very confused by what you're telling her, and there can be a wide range of emotions because she is looking for answers as much as you are. Divorce is a common thing to be brought up and is often a knee-jerk reaction. There are couples who live in mixed orientation marriages, and there are others who see that is not an option. I think figuring out your needs and wants is a first step in knowing whether or not that is desired or attainable. Do you want to remain together with your wife? If there's one thing I learned through the coming out process, it is to be completely honest, and don't give out information in dribs and drabs... otherwise your wife will be continuously waiting for another shoe to drop. I was slow giving information and it made the process for both of us much more painful. Good luck with everything.
I would prefer to stay together for the kids, but she doesnt want to share me with someone else. She is confused because she has known me as the most homophobic peraon she met. Lots of therapy out there, is there a type of therapist you recommend for me? I have been in depression for a few years and do not know why, people says its my job. I say if I had the greatest job, i would still be depressed.
(I'm adding this after writing everything below... You haven't identified yourself as gay or bi, and my writing was in a tone as if you had, so please disregard that as you still seem to be finding your way) You should find a LGBT friendly therapist. If you have access to an LGBT Center in your area, which I imagine there is in SD, check in with them for recommendations if you need help... Or just do some research online. You can even go to an initial session with 2-3 different therapists and see how you connect with them before you decide which one to stick with. I get the depression thing. I started going to therapy two years ago for depression... surprise surprise when I found out the root cause of most of it! I'm queer, yo! I can't say my wife uttered the "D" word, but she's proclaimed that it's just her in the equation or nothing. That was six months ago. (If you've ever read my posts you'll see I'm taking the scenic route to exploring my gay side.) I've been trying to be very mindful of my wife's feelings through all this. What I've learned is you and I have the big secret we've been living with, thinking about for years. Our spouses need time to catch up. So there's a lot of processing she has to do. I give a pretty detailed account if you find my coming out thread. The one thing that got her head spinning right away is the Straight Spouse Network. I'd say it's 80% bitter men and women who feel like the wool was pulled over their eyes when their gay spouses came out. It makes the end of marriages look bleak. My wife thought she was looking into a crystal ball of her future. Try to point your wife elsewhere for info. If you decide to stay together, you and your wife would be in a Mixed Orientation Marriage. You get an acronym, hooray! Just this week I've been exploring MOM message boards where both gay and straight spouses can meet other people in similar situations. These are way more encouraging and supportive. There are some that are just for the straight spouse, some just for the gay spouse and others that are for both to share together. There's also one that is for Monogamous MOM couples. (I found this one too limiting in perspective for me... but there's something for everyone's needs). Check out: Mixed-Orientation Marriage Pathways to Success Home « Alternate Paths (This is where I got all the MOM support group info under support resources There's also a great blog that I bookmarked the other day about the journey a straight spouse has been on that I want to share as well, but I can't find it.... I'll send it to you if I track it down. If my wife and I had both jumped into action the second I revealed, we probably wouldn't be together, but our couples therapist told to take baby steps... and that's made all the difference. I could add more, but I gotta hop off. Hope this isn't too overwhelming, but this is info I wish I'd had at my fingertips six months ago. P.S. I'm adding this after having re-read your post. Reconsider staying together "for the kids". Stay together if you still want to be together with your wife. There are many other dads on this forum who will tell you the Kids Will Be Alright!
Two or three weeks ago I just blurted out to my wife that I have a gay side. I'd been dropping hints for a while. I was feeling very down, perhaps a little depressed, the evening I dropped the verbal bomb. We agreed that seeing a therapist was probably a good next step. We sought recommendations from a trans couple we know and from a lesbian lawyer so we'd get a short list of people familiar with LGBT issues. I've had one meeting with the lady, and both of us will visit her next week. I'm somewhere in the middle of the sexuality scale, but more on the gay end. No problems on my end with hetero sex with my wife, but she doesn't have much interest in sex at this point in her life (post-menopause). So there's definitely some frustration there on my part because I don't want to feel like I'm pushing her to do something she's not interested in. Today I feel like I wish I'd never said anything and just kept my physical attraction to men to myself. So I continue to be confused. We're taking it slow. After all, we've been together for 35 years.
There's not really anything new I can add to this, everyone else covered almost everything, the one thing I can say is don't leave it any longer, you sound like your way past the point I was at when I told my wife, and it was brutal on us then. (&&&)
Hi Confused, I came out at 63 after 30 years of marriage. My wife, like yours, had not been interested in sex for some time, and I eventually began experimenting with men after 40 years of same-sex celibacy. The catalyst for my coming out was falling in love with another man, an emotional experience surpassing anything I had previously experienced and on a par with the births of my two children. Had I not fallen in love, I believe I could have carried on indefinitely, finding physical satisfaction in the arms of men and emotional satisfaction here at home with my wife. Now, two years later, I am still living in the same house with my wife, albeit in separate bedrooms. We are still, and will always be, best friends, but we are currently making plans for a physical separation for both our sakes. Ironically, one of the side effects of my coming out was my wife's rediscovery of a sexual interest, which she has pursued with a number of men she has connected with on dating websites. I am no longer with the man I fell in love with (though we are still friends), but I do have another romantic interest. My wife and I frequently sit on the sofa in the living room, drinking our morning coffee and discussing our respective "dates." Was it worth it? Absolutely. I am happier and healthier than I have been throughout most of my adult life. After an initial period of inevitable shock and unhappiness, my wife has largely recovered (although she would still prefer to have our old life back, if only it were possible). We are both moderately optimistic about the future. Our separation is proving difficult primarily because of economic factors (we have to extricate ourselves from 30 years of shared "everything") but is necessary so that we can each be available to prospective new partners. The reason I'm writing is not to give you any particular advice, but rather to give you an example of how in this one instance things played out (so far). I would also add that you are wise to take things slowly. So long as the two of you are comfortable in each other's presence, it makes sense to give yourselves time to adjust to the new reality. You say you wish you'd never let the cat out of the bag, but the truth is, it can never be put back.
