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Things aren't good

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by baristajedi, Aug 26, 2016.

  1. baristajedi

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    It's going to get better, I know it is. I'm not sure exactly when, we've got a timeline for everything (my soon-to-be-ex husband and I, in terms of our separation). But I'm starting to think maybe we need to move things up a bit.

    I'm not dealing well with the stress. It's mostly the stress of just feeling everything on my shoulders, and knowing I'm the one making this choice to split us; feeling the apprehension of how it's all going to feel making my daughter aware of everything. Feeling all of these needs to move forward with my life, but all of the ties to the past surrounding me, feeling like I need to take it slowly but I can't stand the strain and tension of doing it that way. Hating being in my own home. Not having a space to cry.

    I've got this new friend called panic attack who I'm becoming quite familiar with. I don't feel what I think of as panic, it's generally more like a weight of tension and stress followed by this squeezing feeling in my chest, like an iron vice.

    I'm dealing with all of these things in counselling. I suppose I just wanted somewhere to vent.

    So...how are you guys doing?
     
    #1 baristajedi, Aug 26, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 26, 2016
  2. CameOutSwinging

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    Barista, I'm sorry the situation right now is so stressful. I've had panic attacks before and it really is one of the worst feelings in the world. Can you move the timeline up at all? Seems like for the sake of your sanity it could be a good idea.

    I've had an interesting week. Well, I don't know if I mentioned here, but about a week ago my "wife" and I had a big fight and she broke up with me at about 5 am last Tuesday. We've continued talking during the week, mostly in friendly terms, though it felt like she tried to take the breakup back at one point (blaming her hormones during PMS), and even saying that I'm the one who sent her break up messages (maybe when we discussed why it was a good idea, but I didn't initiate).

    Anyway, this week was my birthday, this past Wednesday. 33 now. Tre-tre baby! Haha, anyway, up until last week I had no plans for my birthday. I waited around for her to say she would want to hang out, and she never did. I tried to make plans with my roommate but he was non-committal (though apparently he thought he committed more than I did, but that's a whole other topic). So finally when my boxing friends were trying to get drinks for the group going for Wednesday and I said I maybe couldn't come because it was my birthday, and then said I had no plans yet, they insisted that we now had to get drinks and I had to come. So that's what I did.

    The day before I talked to my wife? Ex? Maybe I should start saying ex. Anyway, she said how sad it felt that we wouldn't see each other on my birthday (I agreed) and so I said maybe I could come by around 8 pm, we could watch Big Brother (don't judge) together and then I'd go home. It was something. She agreed and basically just said it was the best she could offer because of the responsibility of needing to be home with the dogs.

    On my birthday itself, I decided to see if she might be free earlier in the day. Drinks with my friends wasn't going to happen until 6:30/7 pm. So I messaged her asking if maybe she were free for lunch, or at like 5 pm for a bit. I said it was fine if not, we could keep our 8 pm plans. She responded saying we should just cancel. I was confused by this and said so. What followed was a huge fight, on my birthday, about how I don't prioritize her, and how I should have assumed she'd want to hang out on my birthday even though she never made plans in advance for it, and how I was regulating her to a "crappy time slot" to see her so I could be with my friends. In the end she said we should stop speaking, it isn't healthy for either of us, and that's that.

    We haven't spoken since.

    I know two days doesn't sound like a lot, but it feels like an eternity to me right now. But I haven't messaged her. I'm really hurt she pulled that on my birthday and made it all about her. And if she doesn't want to speak, then we won't speak. It's killing me a little, but maybe it's the space I need to start moving away from her emotionally like I already have physically.
     
  3. OnTheHighway

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    You are making fantastic progress. Your moving your life in the right direction. Your daughter is very young and as she grows she will know you for the person you are; and your setting an amazing example for her.

    No one said it should be easy; but in fact, your making it look easy.

    Your allowed to have a bad day.

    Now have a glass of wine and relax a bit.
     
  4. PatrickUK

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    That was the very best thing you could have done in the circumstances too. You have shared all of the ups and downs of your journey on this forum and we know how much you've invested of yourself to arrive at this point. If you look back, as we can look back, you will see how far you have come.

    Yes, there is a lot of pressure at the moment and of course it's stressful, but you must give yourself credit for what you have achieved even though it is accompanied by a fair measure of pain. Sometimes we need to take tough decisions and endure for a while in order to achieve better things. When all of this is over you will feel as though you are on firmer ground.

    Hold on, stay strong and keep talking.
     
  5. afgirl

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    Well, you must do what you must do. Counseling is good, but I honestly couldn't have functioned with this past year without my Zoloft. Sad to say that, but it's true. I don't drink much, and usually don't take anything stronger than a Motrin, but sometimes you just have to figure out what gets you through, and go with it. That being said, I have set my Daughter and myself up for counseling again next week. We abruptly stopped going in March when we went on Spring Break and just never picked back up. Things aren't going that well in that she's got the same issues and it seems like I end up putting myself on the back burner because she doesn't want to discuss or even think about her selfish gay mom.

    And I got a job offer that I have tentatively accepted. Totally lateral. Same job, different agency, same pay, shorter commute, no girlfriend at work. Even though I don't see her much there anyway (literally days can go by...although I did get to see her today) it's just nice knowing she is near.

    I am so scared of making all the wrong choices. I'm sure that's a common issue here, though.

    Anyway, hang in there. Just imagine yourself a year from now and how this will all be past you by then and your focus will be something (or someone) else entirely.