Absolutely heartbroken- Hooked up with my first woman

I hooked up with a woman last night. Just kissed. But then I freaked out, started a fight and then said maybe we should be friends.

Then by this morning, I realized how I had been acting and told her I wanted to see her again. She basically responded that she just wanted to be friends, that this was a lot of pressure. I get that.

Then on the way home, I asked for a separation from my husband. My husband freaked out, wanted me to drop him off on the closest exit on the freeway.

Im more hurt over her. I get why she chose to just wanna be friends, but man...it hurts. I know it's a lesson, but with all of today...wow!

 

I spoke to her today. She did say she couldn't "read me" and that when she went to touch me, I'd squirm away. We were in the movie theaters and I went to hold her hand, but the old lady next to me kept staring, so I let go. She noticed and today told me she was beyond that.

She's not bi. She's an out lesbian. Everything you said does resonate. I'm just really hurting. First date, first kiss, then this. And separation from husband.

Ugh, what a day.

---------- Post added 27th Aug 2016 at 04:44 PM ----------

I just couldn't be friends with her. It's very tough for me to detach that way. She wanted to term it as friends but could be something more. Ummmm?
Told her I get it, thanked her for the time together, wished her the best and told her I hoped she'd find the girlfriend that she's looking for...when I said that exact part, she said that it
was "uncalled for." I don't get why.

 

Thanks, Quantum. I really appreciate your replies. Yes, I am hurting, very much.

She and I def trigger each other. We had a phone convo and I admitted I couldn't be just friends with her. She alluded to us not hitting it off, but, we did end up making out. We had to try a few times to get it right, but by the last time, I was up against the car, her knee in my crotch area and me, moaning (sorry if that is TMI). She did end the night by asking me to call her again. Then that is when the fight part came in.

I guess we're just not on the same page. I get it. I don't blame her for it at all. I tried to ask her for another chance over the phone, but she just wasn't having it. Maybe she didn't feel as I felt. The first time, I tried to tell her I hope she'd find the girlfriend she was looking for. She replied that it was completely uncalled for to say that. By the end of the convo, she was wishing the same for me.

She's also not trying, like she did before. She would have called or texted back by now. That has not happened.

Now, here I am, bawling my eyes out. Gosh, this really sucks. LOL.

 

Thanks, Butterfly. Very heartbroken at the moment.

 

Yes, exactly what I was thinking. I'm very confused at the moment. My first same-sex kiss was a big deal for me.

Sadly, I think a separation from my husband is in the works because he doesn't accept my bisexuality.

With her, while speaking, she wanted to keep the door open. When we were kissing, she completely stopped because she didn't want too much tongue and wanted to feel my lips. I've never had anyone stop kissing because they weren't getting it the exact way they wanted, but okay. She paid for everything and commented, "See, everyone knows you're a 'bottom' in a relationship because they hand me the check." It was true, everyone spoke to her like she was the one in control and handed her the check at the end of it.

When I spoke to her today, I said that no-contact would be easier for me. She was offended and I had to explain that it would be so much easier for me that way.

I should have seen the control issues coming. She was always making comments about her ex needed helping financially and for her to just "put in on my card" or "She knows I don't have a problem with it, just put it on my card." At first, I didn't think much of it, then it became a trend. Then last night, when she made it a point to pay for everything.

Somewhere in me, I knew I was going to get hurt. I'm glad I didn't sleep with her, because that would have really hurt.

At the end of the date, she was asking me to call her. "Will you call me?" she asked a few times. Then today, a different version. I played my part. This entire bisexual thing freaks me out and I can be very hot-and-cold, although it isn't intentional.

It's been a long, hard day filled with a lot of pain. I can't wait until this new pain fades away.

 

Even though I know the red flags were present, like the never letting me hang up (she'd say "I'm not done with you yet") and became very quick when I was about to let her go (because I'm always dictating the end of our convo's, she said, although it was usually around at least 1am) and asking me not to sleep with my husband, who I was loosely separated from (trial sep, not official) and asking me to text her right after we had just finished speaking, etc. I just didn't wanna see all that and other things.

I'm incredibly hurt. I bided my time to pick the right woman and I overlook the countless red flags that I knew about and proceeded anyways (very typical for me, especially when I like the person) and got hurt. Cheated on my husband in the process. All for a woman, who the day before was telling me I really like you...I miss you...I heart you...and all the sweet pet names she called me. We had an at length convo and discussed triggers we had.

I'm absolutely floored. There's a big naive part of me that just doesn't understand people when I get hurt. I look at them like enigmas. I just don't get them.

In the mean time, my husband is driving around God knows where and I feel awful about this...the women I've been speaking to for at least 3 hours a night is perfectly content with this arrangement, and I'm hurting beyond belief.

I don't drink very often, but I need a shot of tequila.

 

Specifically asked her for no-contact and said our goodbyes. Told her why, what I wanted and didn't want. Was very clear.

At 10:00pm, she text messages anyway.

I really need to stop being naive and just stop feeling bad for walking away from people.

 

She text messaged me on the same day I asked for no-contact. I was very clear it would be easier for me to disengage from the situation like that. We had been speaking for 3-4 hours a night for nearly a month and I didn't want to wait on her text messages or phone calls. So, that makes it confusing that when I said goodbye and sincerely told her I hoped she'd find the girlfriend she's looking for, that she felt offended by that. There should have been not one drop of confusion, because I truly was not being spiteful or saying it in a mean way: I wore my heart on my sleeve, expressed I was hurt, but that I understood her point of view and was being sincere and wanted the best for her. I said, "I'm not being a jerk, really, but I can't do the half-in/half-out thing and the easiest way for me to detach is no communication. No contact. So thank you for your time, I enjoyed speaking with you, I really like you, and I hope you find the girlfriend you're looking for and want the very best for you." That's when she said that it was completely uncalled for and out of line to say that.

Then at 10pm, just a one word text from her. "Hi." I do what I've always done and rush to respond, hoping she's changed her attitude and mind. She plays coy, not answering, and actually apologizes for contacting me. "Sorry, I know you didn't want to hear from me, so sorry for texting you." I knew better than to expect anything else. I go to call her because I HATE texting about things that are so much easier to talk on the phone, but when she answers, she's at a nightclub or lounge with her family and friends. Yet, she's texting me and answering her phone? Huh? She can't hear me and says goodbye, hanging up.

When I ask her what's going on, that she text messaged me, she just replies with, "I know." When I asked her if she's playing games with me at this point, because that is what it felt like, she says "No, stop it. It's not easy for me either. We've talked pretty regular for the past few weeks now, so sorry I know you asked me not to contact you."
I'm honest and told her it hurt to hear from her, and she just replies (by use of multiple texts, but I'll combine here), "I miss you too silly. But okay, I'll stop. Sorry."

It goes on like that for more texts. Me, putting myself completely out there and trying to get her to admit the point of her texts. Her, responding coyly and vaguely, apologizing for even reaching out, although I'm not asking her to be sorry.

Her texts bounce back and forth from being sweet, like "I miss you too, silly" to "Listen woman, I had fun with you and it isn't easy either to just cut off so sorry I texted."

I never asked her to apologize. I never asked her to reach out.

One of her texts simply says, "I'm saying hi and I missed you. So there." WTH? How old are we?

I try and get to the point. Does she want to resume talking or not? What's the point in her reaching out tonight? She responds that I'm too black and white, and that she's gray. It's neither yes or no and as she shared earlier, she'd prefer to be friends (but did say earlier in the day that when we would meet up, it would be okay if I kissed her and/or wanted more).

I'm done at that point. I express to her that she doesn't want an equal in a relationship. She wants someone she can control and that I also feel like she's playing games. I told her she's too back and forth for me and that I don't want any further contact from her and am blocking her number. I do wish her the best in the future and good luck.

I spoke to a friend I met on here and she gave me some good advice. "Don't settle. You're settling. You're so desperate to have this experience to figure it out one way or the other, that you're settling for the first person you have any connection to, but who isn't good for you." She's right. I am settling and was desperate to have this experience to know which way to proceed. This only left me more confused and upset, because I did ignore red flags that were smacking me in the face. There's a lesson to be learned in this, but I'm still hurting.

I bided my time to pick the right woman to have my first more-than-friends experience with and this is who I choose and this is what happens? I guess I should be glad I didn't have sex with her.

I've contacted my therapist to resume sessions. Obviously, I have a ways to go when it comes to this.

 

Thank you. Yes, I'd agree with your assessment.

---------- Post added 29th Aug 2016 at 08:11 PM ----------

Thank you for the hugs. I've FINALLY taken the advice of everyone and deleted her number. She remains blocked. Thank you for your input!

---------- Post added 29th Aug 2016 at 08:12 PM ----------

Yes, it sucks! Lol. I guess I thought my first experience would be different. I realize now I need to take care of other things, too.

---------- Post added 29th Aug 2016 at 08:13 PM ----------

Hi buddy! Yes, deleted and blocked. Sad. I wish I would have picked someone else for my first experience. Oh well. It's done now.