I've been watching YouTube videos of this guy I used to watch frequently today. He's a psychologist that specializes in treating sufferers of Narcissistic Personality Disorder/Sociopathy/Psychopathy - whether it was someone in their family, or a spouse or partnership. Watching the videos today has brought something up in me, and I can't help but think that I have some kind of trauma from the emotional abuse. It was seven months long. And even if that's not a huge amount of time, it's still enough to have been messed up, I imagine. I turned to his videos when someone who had also somewhat (not sure how deeply) suffered at the hands of my Trigger mentioned that they were a sociopath. This was after I actually admitted to who my mystery lesbian love was, who had been confusing me so much that I was going nuts. I didn't know exactly what that was, even though I'd definitely heard of it, so I started researching later that day and was starting to come to the scary conclusion that my Trigger probably was a sociopath, or somewhere on that spectrum. After more research and understanding, I believe they're somewhere between Narcissistic Personality Disorder and being a sociopath. There's a thin line. And I know I can't diagnose someone, but still, many of the basic characteristics match up, and they still do. I continue to learn more, sometimes. I don't go so deep into it like I did before, probably because I have an understanding of it, but watching it today made me really emotional all over again. I am pretty over my Trigger. I still think about some of the good things that happened between us, and can't deny my forever physical attraction to her, but I'm pretty much over her. She came into my life so randomly, at a time where I was busy with school, and not trying to focus on anything else. I thought I was straight, in the most basic sense. Deep down I knew I was some level of bisexual, and always felt like everyone was bisexual, so I didn't really question it. But she came along, I became attracted to her extremely fast, and then our relationship shot up into space at lightening speed. She started flirting with me almost immediately. Not silly flirting, trying to know you on an emotional level so I can be with you, flirting. She was obsessed with sex and talking about sex, but never had any and would never do anything to/with me - even though she alluded to things a few times, and there were moments I thought we were going to get physical, it never went anywhere. I came onto here a few months after she rejected me when I told her I couldn't do the in between relationship we were having. That I didn't know how to balance something between romantic and platonic for the rest of forever. I didn't know if I was gay, straight, bi, or bicurious. I was freaking out. I'm at a place where I can comfortably say I'm queer/gay/lesbian/whatever. Everything under the umbrella of can be with guys but can definitely be with girls. But I wonder how much of my own internal universe was altered because of her emotional abuse. You're not dealing with a real, normal human when someone's a narcissist. It's like they're a robot, but worse, because their aim is to control and manipulate you for their own gain, maybe even just for their own pleasure of seeing you continuously hurt. I'd never deal with this type of person before, and because I do have a conscience and feelings, I will never truly understand what it's like to run on some kind of evil zombie mode. I don't understand the manipulation. The energy spent to get nothing but satisfaction from feeling control because you're confusing/hurting someone. And I'm just angry now. I'm sort of different. I'm quieter and keep things to myself more. And I got physically sick when she rejected me and things ended. Not because of the rejection, though it was devastating because I was practically in love with her, but because I literally could not stop the obsessive thoughts with trying to connect the way she acted to her saying she had no romantic feeling for me. Like, truly, in the most literal sense, was doing some kind of insane ruminating trying to understand what she was saying: •how could she have held my hand all day when we did this and she didn't have romantic feelings? •how could she have talked about us being in a romantic relationship, thinking aloud about us being together, and not have any romantic feelings? •how could she have said these sexual thing to me and not have romantic feelings? •how could she have texted me all day and night everyday and night and not have romantic feelings? •how could she have been so close to my face so many times, looking me square in the eye for more than the usual time, and it seemed like we were going to kiss before I pulled away, but she didn't have any romantic feelings? •how could she have been so touchy feely with me all the time and doesn't have any romantic feelings? •how could she have done all that, said she missed me when we didn't see each other for long periods of time, and get jealous anytime I was around other girls but not have any romantic feelings for me? I would go crazy. And before that, when I was in her grips, I would spiral between super highs and super lows. She would give me so much to get high off of, and then abruptly take it away for huge periods of time without any caring. I'm just ranting now, but Idk. I'm really worried about myself and what this says about me. Like, do I fall victim to this sort of thing easily? Why me? And I can't even bitch her out. I can't even say anything to hurt her, she's unhurtable. I'm just super angry about it today. Really trigged by watching these videos. I also feel angry and worried because, and some of you know, I developed a chronic illness quite sometime ago. But it was almost directly after cutting off ties with her. I think I became super depressed, was susceptible to illness from being so stressed and depressed at once, and then I actually got sick a bunch of times and either didn't get better because they were so bad, or because I was lost and making stupid decisions in my stress/depressed stupor. I feel like I have nothing but trauma to get over now. Trauma from having a super long chronic illness, and trauma from that fuck. My chronic illness does seem to be getting better, but it's so slow. Excruciatingly slow. Pretty much full of anger - which is not good for healing... okay, now I'm really babbling.
I would venture to say she was lying about her feelings. What you might want to ponder is the reason. Was it to protect her, elevate her, or just to plain hurt you....OR maybe a combination of these things. You're never going to really know, but it's good to have some realization about the situation so you can put it behind you and move on.
I was in a similar situation in that, the woman I was in love with treated me like she felt the same, became extremely involved in my life, touched me, was physically comfortable around me, shared emotional intimacy, she would call, write, text, buy gifts and was romantic in many instances (esp the way she stared at me, touched and held me in her arms). We were never a couple, never dated never became physically intimate. Due to circumstances, I moved away for a year. As close as we were before - all the things she did - she never once contacted me. Never called, never wrote; she abandoned me. It was effortless for her; I fell into deep depression. When I returned she never initiated reconnecting, never explained herself or tried to work things out. It's as if she was a shell with nothing inside...little did I know... After two years of utter darkness and depression I realized there was only one way out: forgiveness. I had to forgive her and forgive myself. I was so angry I wanted to die. But once I made up my mind to forgive, it was as if the wet blanket that was suffocating me was lifted and I could breathe again - I suddenly saw the people around me who were actively loving me - in fact it is how I met someone very precious to me now. I took my eyes off of the one who wasn't loving me and took control of my energy and focus again. Now I can see more clearly and have gained a boat load of Emotional Intelligence because of this experience. So have you, you just may not see it yet. There's nothing wrong with you - you were trusting and open with someone who had major psychological issues. You are not crazy. Be thankful you are able to be trusting and open, that's natural and human. How she acted was not. That's not your fault. Be good to yourself and stop blaming yourself. When I finally sat down to talk to her about everything she looked at me and said she had no idea of any of it and didn't even recognize I hadn't been in her life for years. It was as if I was trying to connect with a shell of a person. I knew she just didn't care for me. Hearing that from her helped me move on...when a person shows you who they are, believe them, just like Maya Angelou said. I had put myself in a prison and hadn't realized it. But that day, I let her go and forgiveness freed me from that prison. You are right, anger will make you ill - so will unforgiveness. The quickest way to recover your health is to forgive; sounds odd but I promise, it is true. If you're not ready to forgive, then the more you think about doing it, the more your anger will grow towards her. I know - I've been there...for three years I thought about forgiving her and I grew all the more angry and subsequently, closer to death. There's more than one way to die - I died emotionally, mentally, and my personality even began fading. But the second I knew I had truly forgiven was when the anger dissipated and everything in me came back to life - it was an immediate relief. I know you'll get there; I can tell when I read your posts that little by little, you are regaining the parts of your self you thought were lost. It takes strength and determination to forgive and let the anger go, but know that life is waiting for you on the other side of this~
Yeahpidk, your post really touched me. Enough for me to register, because previously I had just been *lurking. Anyway, you're definitely not alone with your experience. I am in the throws of shock and depression from the emotional abuse I have suffered from my straight crush (I say that because I've known my orientation for a long time now). The highs and lows you describe are exactly what I have been experiencing. I will likely share my whole story when I have more time but did want to chime in and offer support. The other poster was onto something about forgiveness. First allow yourself to feel the anger and pain that comes up. Then forgive yourself. You did nothing wrong but follow your heart and want to love and be close to this woman. Spend this time indulging in self-love and gratitude for what you have learned from her--whether she has a mental illness or not. Maybe eventually you will then be able to forgive her for the way she has treated you. She was likely just extremely confused about her own sexuality and not able to go "there". Some people are just not capable of accepting that side of themselves. Hugs to you!
This post resonates very strongly with me. I had an extremely similar situation with a narcissistic best friend who manipulated me into this weird pseudo-romantic friendship purgatory. The entire affair lasted 13 (!) years, more or less destroyed my life, left me with severe dysmorphia and PTSD. I've struggled to be able to trust others, find humans attractive again, and form relationships ever since. It is humiliating realizing you're basically someone's pet. But I see how his selection process worked. Narcissists look for socially inexperienced, highly empathetic people. Yours probably fed little tests early on that you brushed off as clumsiness or poor tact... but they were actually deliberate.
