Debating whether to become more out

So, don't tell anyone. just live it.

I am in a similar situation. I, simply, cannot go on an "outing adventure" where I announce my sexuality. But, I am not going to hide it either . If I meet a gay friend and we part at the restaurant, he may kiss me. If someone sees. Whatever. This could take years before it catches up to me because I just don't look the part.

You have gay friends. Tell them. My experience is that gay guys do not disclose or out their friends. They just don't. They may know someone just like you who does not want to be out for whatever reason.

 

We live in a Hetero world where the majority of people are out right homophobic, or at least biased against most of us here. Staying part way in the closet isn't that big of a deal in my opinion anyway, the only way I will ever be fully out is if I move away as well. And rate now that's not a great option, like you I have a good job, nice house, friends, family all here in this Hetero life I built up. If I do find someone, they are going to have to be ok with keeping it at least somewhat quiet or it's just not going to work out. My plan is to just let the info slowly out, it's not like I'm going to get a rainbow beret and proclaim my gayness to everyone I meet, if it comes up in conversation, I'm just going to say "I thought you knew" it's only a big deal if you make it one.

 

I think it's perceptive that you have realized that the type of relationship you are looking for will require more openness. I think a lot of people really feel that they don't have to choose between the closet and the type of relationship they want--unless the relationship they long for is a series of quickies in almost all instances they are wrong. I'm sorry it's just the way it is. There are probably a few genuine Romeo and Juliet forbidden love stories out there--but one should remember Romeo and Juliet was the story of two teenagers in love, it lasted three days and involved six casualties.

The good news is that that doesn't mean you have to run around telling everyone you're gay. I'm totally out, have been so for twenty-five years: family, friends, clients even my testosterone laden sharkish investment banker colleagues. I live in Chicago now but my family is in Utah, my in-laws are in Oklahoma. Everyone knows and you know how many people I have actually come out to in all those years? Two--my parents. Even my siblings just kind of found out. It is in no way essential that everyone know, what is essential is that you totally overcome the fear that they will find out.

If that is impossible where you live (did I mention Utah and Oklahoma--twenty five years ago?) then you really need to weigh the options. How much is the life you want worth to you? How much is the life you have worth to you? No one else knows the answers to those questions.

 

I am guessing I live in an environment very similar to the one that Crazydog lives in. last month I went to a gay picnic. About 50 to 70 local gay men...many partnered, attended. I was interested in this subject so I asked some of the guys what it was like to be out in this rural area. A number answered that they were pretty sure that most people didn't know. One was even a council member in a small town and in a committed relationship.

I think the reality of gay life in a small town is a bit different than a large city. The gay community I am becoming involved with is pretty closed and protective. That said, I agree that fear of being out would not allow one to participate with that group.

I hope this type community exists where Crazydog lives and he finds them. It is not easy or apparent. I found them through a chat on a hookup site...just sayin.

 

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I can relate CrazyDog. This is an issue for me, as well. I work in a small, military-centric town and was in the military for 24 years. I have not come out in this small town to anyone. I’m only out to my best friend, who doesn’t live in my town. My local friends are all straight and either married or divorced or divorced and remarried – again straight. I’m old enough that I don’t even get asked about dating by my friends anymore. They think I’m fairly content with my life and may assume that I am gay or asexual, but I’ve never had that kind of discussion with any of them. I enjoy my work immensely and don’t want to mess anything up by coming out – especially since in my field, it only takes one homophobic supervisor who simply makes a decision contrary to my desires/interests to push me off of my career track. Then, it would require coming out publicly and a formal complaint or lawsuit to try to get back on track. I think I know what you are saying , CrazyDog.

I don’t think the idea of being 100% out scares me so much as the potential (unnecessary?) impact on my livelihood and community friends. I think most of my local friends would be accepting, but do I want the ‘hassle’ of dealing with haters if I just came out? I think until I have (hopefully) a boyfriend whom I want to take out socially in this town, I don’t want to force the issue.

I understand the issues that some people in the LGBTQ community have with dating or having relationships with people who are not fully out, but I don’t think that that is a huge hurdle overall in my case because if I had the backing of someone that I was in a firm, established relationship with, I like to think I would have the strength to mount that final hurdle and come out 100%. I’m definitely not looking to hide who I really am for the rest of my life.

As for real, potentially long-term relationships, they are pretty much non-existent in my town. I have to drive at least an hour to start finding a real life dating pool. I’m not in to casual sex and that weeds things out that much thinner. It sounds like you are looking for a real, long-term relationship like I am. I don’t have the answer, but that won’t stop me from continuing to look.

---------- Post added 28th Aug 2016 at 12:36 AM ----------

Wow, Stewie. I don't know how it is in Canada, but I've found that things are generally changing here in the US. Most of the Millennials I talk to these days are totally accepting. They have grown up with LGBTQ friends and think nothing of it. And, as the older generations pass, that unassuming acceptance should only grow.

 

This is a very interesting and relevant thread for me right now. I decided two months ago after an emotional breakdown that I MUST come out. No matter how hard it was going to be. Because, quite simply, I said "I give up." I give up worrying about what people will think of me. I give up my attempts to control other people's perception of me by modifying myself. I give up hiding and being dishonest.

I'm going to divorce my wife of 20 years. I have two kids. I don't really have the option of coming out to my kids and wife and not coming out to my kids' friends and their parents, or to our "couple friends" or to the people connected to their lives. I can't ask them to keep my secret, nor do I want them to. A partial one-foot coming out didn't even occur to me. So, I accepted the reality of my coming out and just decided I was willing to be vulnerable and whispered about in order to fully be me.

I never thought I would be in this place, I had only dreamed of it. My dream is becoming my reality bit by bit. I don't want to compromise on my dream. What is your dream?

 

I'm struggling with the same question, "how out do I want to be?" My wife and a very small number of gay acquaintances know that I have a gay side right now. As she and I work through this she wants to know what I want, including whether I want to live my life as a fully out gay man. Today, I don't know the answer.

I'm self-employed in a creative business (can creatives get away with more than number crunchers?). I know fully out gay couples who are fully accepted in the community; it just doesn't appear to be a big deal. My wife and I both know a handful of trans lesbians. Our community is pretty liberal. But part of my client base comes from the much more conservative part of our county. I don't know whether, or even if, there would be an impact on my business if I were public about my sexuality. But the fear is there.

I definitely won't get up in front of the Rotary club and make an "I'm gay" announcement. Nor will I put "gay creative" in big letters on my business website. But if asked, I won't deny it. Somehow, in the end, I don't think it will make all that much difference. That's the intellectual, logical side of my brain speaking. The emotional side is scared.

I think we each have to work through this in our own way, on our own schedule. At this point I don't even know if I want to seek out and form a romantic relationship with another man. The occasional hook-up may be enough for now, as crazy as that sounds.

 

If your willing to find a new job, relocate, start over, then why not come out 100% and see where the dice falls? If everyone is cool with it, you keep your job, continue to pay your bills and life goes on.

If there are issues at work, then your at the point you were already at, which is needing to find something else.

Sounds like you do not have anything to lose really.

 

It doesn't sound crazy at all. I have had a great companionship with my wife and it was so comfortable. So easy to share my day with her. I totally get it.

I'm hoping that I will find a love with passion and intimacy (and lots of great sex), but with a man next time. I'm throwing caution to the wind to be able to seek it. Not everyone is looking for the same things, nor have the same needs.

 

This paragraph really resonates with me and my experience.

I am in a little different situation - I am bisexual and happy with my monogamous marriage with my wife. But I've been bisexual as my orientation for decades and the weight of keeping the secret was tiresome, and I actually want to be out, to be part of the LGBT community, etc.

My wife has known. The big decision point for me was do I take identifying as bisexual beyond my wife. Once I decided I wanted to do that, I knew that could/would eventually mean pretty much everybody. Potentially, at least. I decided I was ready for that. After a lot of talk, my wife told me she was ready for it, too. She's supportive.

So the big step for me was the first person beside my wife that I told, which was my band leader. It was an amazing, exhausting, exhilarating, nauseating (etc.) experience. Just as you'd expect. But I did it. I had planned to come out next to the rest of my band (after the leader didn't fire me). But you know what, I didn't have to. Our next practice got postponed due to the drummer's schedule, and at our next show, the whole band, their wives/husbands, the sound guys, a couple of band friends, etc. already knew I was bi. All were supportive, except for one sound guy who wasn't at that gig and isn't working with us any more. Word spread quickly in my case. For me, that was a relief. After all, my goal was being out.

I agree with OGS, if your goal is being out, if you can overcome the fear of that and actually make that a goal or a desired state of being, you don't have to tell everyone, a lot of it will be word spreading naturally. And I'm okay with that. There is 100% nothing wrong with being bi, or gay, or trans. I'm out and proud. Sure some people won't like it. The important ones will accept me.

Don't know if that helps, but thought I'd share, FWIW. Good luck, and I wish you strength to follow your goals whatever you determine them to be.(*hug*)