I found myself in depressive mood for the past weeks now thinking about my ex-girlfriend. I am in a new relationship now, we've been together for 4 years and she's really great, couldn't ask for anything more. She loves me more than I love myself I guess. I should be happy and contented already which makes it worse. I feel like an awful person for even thinking and longing for my ex. My relationship with my ex was one of those illicit affairs. She is very much married although her husband would be away for months and comes home twice a year. At that time, I'm already separated with my husband and I didn't even knew I have a different sexual orientation or preference, whatever it should be called. But she always knew she wanted to be with a woman. She was a lonely, suppressed and brokenhearted housewife from a long distance relationship with another woman when we got together. At that time, I just want to take care of her, put her broken self together and make her happy. But I've grown to love her everyday that I don't really mind whatever she can give back. I just want to love her. She loved me too. Although every time her husband comes home she had to break up with me. But I would patiently wait for her to come around no matter how long it takes although it gets longer every time. Her husband found out one of my messages and was furious about it. It was then that she just stopped everything and somehow blamed me for almost losing her family. But after some months she came around and I still willingly accepted her. Each time my jealousy gets stronger but I always choose to love her. All of our friends don't want her for me because they have seen I was hurting 90 percent of the time. Until the last time we were apart, one of my friends showed me care and attention, my present partner. I stopped replying to her messages but decided to meet her still without my present partner knowing. She asked me if I wanted her to leave her family and just run off with me. But I can never do that to her, I know her children is her life. At that time I cannot even promise her anything as I am still unstable on my own. She begged me to get back with her but somehow at that time it feels like letting her go is the best thing for me to do for her and for myself. She hated me for that and told me that I put the pieces of her broken heart just to crush it in the end. That is when I left for another country as well. My new partner has always been understanding and supportive all these years. But every now and then I still miss her, now more often than before, wondering if she still hates me. I tried reconnecting with her but she never replied. And after four years, here I am longing for her, dreaming about her, wishing to hear from her and wondering if true love really means letting go, why do I feel this void inside me and an unanswered question of whether did I made the right decision of letting go the person whom I loved with my soul. I feel awful whenever I would feel that I am not loving my present partner the way I loved her and I get to thinking maybe I’m just fucked up.
Perhaps, you should hire someone to help you reconnect with her. I'm sure it's not going to be cheap at all, but you'll never find peace within yourself. I know this to be true because I've felt the same way about someone before. The void was an unbearable feeling that it left me depressed for a long time until I was finally able to reconnect with this person. I eventually made peace within myself and found the closure that I needed in order to move on. Although, I wish things had turned out differently because I really felt like this woman was perfect for me. She's currently with the father of her kids and I'm happy for her. Sometimes, I like to think to that I never knew the real her because she portrays herself to be someone completely different than the person I fell for years ago. Perhaps, seeking therapy would help somewhat. You need to figure out what is it you're seeking from this woman that you're not getting from your current relationship. If you need to talk to someone, I'm here
I am so glad to know someone actually understands what I am feeling. All the while my friends who knew her are telling me its normal and even my partner when I am telling her i am feeling depressed and feeling that something is wrong is just dismissing it as a phase. For a while I thought I am really just discontented person who doesn't know how to deal with being loved by another person. I tried many times reconnecting with her through phone calls, messages but she wouldn't respond at all. I am really thinking of a therapy although it would be difficult going to one without my partner knowing. I can tell her everything but about her. I know it would really break her heart and I couldn't bear with that thought. I don't even know what I want from my ex or what is troubling me. Although I cannot deny that often times i find myself thinking all the what ifs, thinking if I had not been strong enough to hold for both of us? or did I really let her down? I don't even know what happened although i know what i did, i gave up on her. I don't know why i gave up on her when i knew she completes me in a way no one else can. May i ask you, do you still love her? who broke up with who? did you get to find out what's causing your sadness that feels like eternity and did it went away after reconnecting with her?
She was always working etc, so I started talking to another girl, but only as a friend. This girl lived in another state, so there was no way for us to even see each other. However, I guess she saw something on Facebook (a conversation between me & this other girl) that made her feel jealous and after that things changed between us. I also found out that she was still fooling around with her ex, which was ok with me, but then she told me that she was pregnant by him. I was so devastated, that I had to let her go. We eventually reconnected when she was further into her pregnancy because I started babysitting for her, but it was pure torture. I knew that I was still deeply in love with her and couldn't stand the fact that someone else was making her happy. So, I had to let her go again when she no longer needed me to babysit for her anymore. I was devastated yet again, but I guess that's life for you. We're still friends on Facebook, which is ok with me. I mean, as long as she's happy then I'm happy for her. She just doesn't appear to be the person I thought she was when I first met her. In the beginning, she told me that she was gay. However, I think she's in denial or something because her boyfriend and his family are extremely religious. She once told me that she doesn't feel the urge to be with another woman which seemed odd to me. It must be difficult to deny who you are I'm sure, but I wish her nothing but the best. ---------- Post added 1st Sep 2016 at 04:29 AM ---------- I like to think things happen for a reason. And for you you made the decision that was what you felt was right years ago. You didn't want her to leave her family behind, especially with her having children. Not only that she was married, so I think you made the best decision to walk away. Imagine how things would've turned out had you and her ran away...not very good I can imagine. You know making a list of all the feelings that this other women made you feel would be a good idea. Whether they're good or bad just make a list. Next make a list of all the feelings that current make you feel and then compare the two...what seems to be missing if anything?
Hi pink, i can only hope i can move on like you did. I can't imagine how torturing your situation with her, especially the babysitting part. But I tried to follow your advice, I tried calling her three times but I chickened out I heard her voice and i started to feel like I am choking I couldn't make myself say another word other than hello.She didn't know it was me I think because she was asking who's calling. I don't know what happened to me, hearing her voice makes my heart beat fast my hands cold and sweaty no matter how I practiced how to start the conversation. How not to chicken out?
