In another thread Imgay47 wrote, "The only thing I'm really abandoning is a marriage. A marriage that doesn't work anymore because I can no longer sustain a false intimacy. But I haven't stopped being a father to my kids or a life-partner with my soon-to-be-ex spouse." It's a very relevant idea that I'm trying to wrap my head around. I came out to my wife of nearly 35 years early this month, saying directly that I have a gay side. She suggested seeing a therapist and I agreed. I've had one solo session and we had a session together yesterday and will go together again next week. I'm not a big fan of therapy but agreed to give it a try. My wife isn't interested in a mixed-orientation marriage (MOM), a concept I hadn't really thought about until reading about it on this forum. Someone shared a link to a website, mixedorientation.com, that I found helpful. My wife read part of it as well, but thought some of what the writer had to say was pure bunk that wouldn't work for her. So the idea of divorce came up in our discussion with the therapist. It's my deeply held belief that divorce is represents failure, in a very big way. I took a vow that included the standard "till death do we part" line and it didn't go over well when I said that. My mental image of divorce is that the couple splits, each goes their own way, you divvy up the assets, and everyone lives their own life in poverty (together we earn just enough to live reasonably comfortably in one household, mostly from my income). There's the very practical side of having enough money for both of us to live into old age. I'm self-employed and my wife is my business manger, handling much of the office tasks. I've seen a business similar to ours fall apart when the couple split. It came as a complete surprise last night when my wife suggested that we could divorce but continue to share our house, our 5 acres of dream property, gardening, cooking, and household tasks. Essentially, we'd be roommates that know each other really well. We'd each be free to pursue other relationships. We agree that we have much more in common than our differences in sexual interests. She says she wants me to be happy (sometimes I wonder why) and I care deeply about her as well. We've long been very independent, pursuing our own interests and not feeling like we have to do everything together. We're coming to agree that our marriage hasn't been all that good for some years, but after all this time together we're reasonably comfortable and resistant to change. This is all very hard to talk about, particularly for me. I've never been one to share my feelings with anyone and am not very open to other people sharing their feelings with me. Let's just be rational about this has been my attitude. Somehow we'll work this out. We're not in a rush. It took years to get to where we are and it's going to take some time to figure out where we go from here. Continuing to share a household has a certain appeal, but it sure feels like a weird idea at this point. Thanks for letting me vent and ramble.
Hey Confused54 You can set it up anyway that works for you. Our society is built on a "normal" family unit that includes a long time married hetero couple, a couple kids, a house. All of that. But, the reality is that this is not the case any longer. While we all think that is the ideal, it is likely not for everyone. Or, even most of us maybe. Divorce is not "failure"...look at it as "adjustment". My wife and I have always had a very non-traditional marriage (except for the monogamous part). We have our own houses, finances, no kids etc. In the classic sense, we have never been married. Yet we have for over 30 years. Now, this freedom includes some same sex exploration outside the marriage. Yet, our marriage, and bond, is stronger than ever. Creativity is at the core here. You and your wife should sit down and really discuss each others needs. All of your needs. Then craft a living situation that fills those needs. It may not work, but it may work wonderfully. You may also be able to do a trial version of this. See what works and adjust accordingly.
The scenario you describe is something like the one my wife and I have worked out (and are still working on). Just be aware that such an arrangement can adversely affect any future romantic relationships either of you may develop. It has been our experience (both my wife's and mine) that potential suitors are very often put off by the closeness of our arrangement. Both of us are seen as being "unavailable" or somehow "encumbered," even though our relationship is that of just friends (very close friends, obviously). While for various reasons (real estate holdings, health insurance, pensions, etc.) it would be financially disastrous for us to divorce, I do believe we're heading in that direction. At the moment, though, we're trying to hold it all together while moving toward a more definitive physical separation. We had discussed building a "carriage house" in the backyard for me to live in, but we decided that would not give us enough distance, so now we're looking at acquiring another small house a few miles away. Ironically, that will involve even more financial commitment between the two of us, but we're hoping the physical separation will be sufficient to allow both of us to pursue our separate romantic interests.
