Hello! There's been a long time since I started to deak with my orientation issues..... short-version: I'm 23, almost completing 24, and only this year my same-sex attraction come to surface....and I realized I didn't had an attraction for women after all.... it's hard to say, but I thought I rlly liked them, and the sex was also good...but it was hard to get an orgasm, and I've never had a crush before....but I didn't had any attraction to men. Now, I feel only sexual arousal, nothing more related to men... I don't know exactly what's going on, but I feel my entire personality is artificial, since I was completely unaware about being gay.... so there's a gap between my values, my belifes/emotions, and what my sex desires are pointing to.....and I don't know how to get past that...it's all consuming and draining. I feel I was so cold before because I repressed all my emotions, and created a persona. Now I don't know if I should abandon who I was and thought I was all this time. When people says that if you discover your orientation, you are still you, I feel different...I feel the real me never showed up, was hidden.....a funny example is that I seem to be more feminine than I thought I was. I repressed that and built a strong persona....now I'm lost. How can I move from where I'm guys? Should I abandon who I am?
So you say you have sexual attraction to men. It sounds also as if you are very confused. Take a breath, relax as much as you can. There are plenty people here to help you. You say you have sexual desires for men but that doesn't fit with your values and beliefs. Which one of those do you think you can change?
Justasking, txs for your reply. I will ask you some questions (bad joke, I know lol) and explain better.... I don't know if anybody felt like that..... I really feel like there are two me living in this body: the me I lived all these years, that is selfish, no empathic, cold, and have some depression and numbness about life. And there's the other me, who seems to be the complete opposite of this one, and this version appeared when I started to have the same sex feelings...and what's funny, is that these feelings are not emotional, they are just libido related to men. So this personality I'm used to live with, has these values and beliefs deep ingrained in myself (basically, they are related to aversion to all LGBT stuff, disgust toward men being effeminate, finding men and trans ugly and awkward, and discomfort. Already apologizing anyone who can feel offended by this ), on an emotional level. It's absolutely ego-dystonic with the other personality. But it's something I like, even if it doesn't seem to be me now. Some people may use different terms to describe this, but this is how I feel. What actually happens is that I don't know how to proceed on that. I don't like this apparent true me
Sometimes it takes time to figure out who we really are. I realized I had same-sex attractions, in addition to opposite-sex attractions, in college when I was 18-19 years old. I figured out that I was bisexual as my orientation, but it took time for me to be comfortable with that. I shared it with a gf in my late 20's, then my wife. I'm now comfortable enough to come out publicly. It takes some time for some people, and it can vary quite a lot. Some people know earlier or are more comfortable coming out sooner. Give yourself time to figure out your true orientation. Read books on the subject, read threads here on EC, talk to a counselor or therapist if you can. Once you figure that out, you'll figure out what to do next. There's 100% nothing wrong with being gay or bi. You have to be you, or you will end up in an unhappy situation some day. You are still relatively young, give yourself some time and space to figure it out. In addition to being bisexual, as opposed to the "straight" that society seemed to have mapped me to, I've also switched religious affiliations, political parties, sports teams (LOL) over the years. It's okay and healthy to take time and figure it out.
We can't tell you your sexual orientation on here but it sounds as if you have a lot of internal homophobia going on. You don't want to be gay and think badly of the lgbt community. That's normal for internal homophobia. You need to realise that lgbt people are just people, normal people. I'd suggest you need to get out and about and meet some lgbt people. Meet up groups etc to dispel any myths you thing about them. Not all gay guys are screaming queens - I've found more often than not lgbt people are not the stereotype you imagine. Even if you are not gay it will help you to meet lgbt people. You don't have to label yourself not. People who are questioning their sexuality have there own 'questioning' label now - which is a pretty wide bunch I imagine. What you can't do is stand still - you need to take steps forward, maybe with the help of a therapist. Maybe the two people are the person you thought you were, what society expects you to be and what you actually are. You are still you however you are just caught in two minds at the moment. Be strong and take care.
John, It seems to me that you have been in denial about your sexuality, and you are just starting to awaken to your true sexuality, one that is not straight. Based on what you've written, you have created a fake personality to hide your true feelings from yourself as well as from the rest of the world. This is a typical experience among most of us in this forum. Please understand that the internalized homophobia that you feel is the result of conditioning growing up. You learned that being gay is wrong from friends, family, society, and/or church. It will take time to unlearn these lessons and begin to love yourself for who you are. Here are some of the things that I did to heal my own shame - healing the shame of being gay. I would suggest that you find an LGBT therapist to help you work through this and begin to understand yourself. HTH
It sounds like there is a battle raging within you between your conscious distaste and aversion for all things LGBT, and the associated stereotypes, and your subconscious attraction to other men (possibly those that don't conform to the stereotypes). It's creating an emotional stand-off that can be quite worrying and harmful if left unchecked. John, this is a battle that you will struggle to win alone. It's a positive sign that you are reaching out to us for support, but I would strongly advise you to speak to a counsellor with a track record in supporting LGBT people. You may not fully identify as part of the LGBT community at this stage, but if you can approach counselling with an open mind, put in the necessary effort and stay the course, it should help you to discover answers. The first step might be to discover where the aversion to LGBT stuff is coming from. How do you feel about the idea of counselling? If you are based in, or close to London, you should have some decent options open to you.
