It shouldn't be something that's hard to deal with, but it's driving me crazy: how do you deal with the fact that your early "gay" interactions (sexual, social, etc.) won't go the way that you want them to? This came up this evening; I had dinner with a gay couple, and while I think everything went well, I couldn't help but feel that I kept making social mistakes. I know, I know, everyone does that, but I keep thinking that I have to make this friendship work out; it's not like there are loads of other gay people around for me to be friends with. It gets frustrating. The kinds of things that straight people find receptive don't necessarily get received the same way by gays. It just plain irritates me... I don't want to be socially adept in a few years... I want to be socially adept today...
I met up with a guy a couple times and fooled around. He just loves my "straightness". Same thing with my platonic gay friends. They just think it's "cute". Both of us have spent our lives living what we aren't. Just be yourself.
I don't know your exact circumstances but the main thing I would suggest is to try not to place so much emphasis on individual gay relationships. It's really common in the early times to do so but it's weird. Imagine if you picked a random straight person (say the next person you see wearing red) and decided that it was really important to your development as a person that you become bosom friends with that person. First, it wouldn't be psychologically healthy. But, second, the odds are really good that it would actually decrease the odds of you becoming friends--you'd just end up trying to hard. I know it's strange to think of people this way, but it's a numbers game. I love the gay community and I have a lot of experience in it. When I travel I bond with strangers over the fact that we are both gay. I speak the lingo and dance the dance. I am "gay adept" as you put it, and I adore gay people--but not all the gay people. I have a ton of gay friends but I have a lot more gay acquaintances--perfectly lovely, friendly and relatively inconsequential acquaintances. It's just the way it works. Focus on broadening the net and then relax and be yourself. You'll be fine.
There are two approaches one can take in this situation. Focus on the outcome Focus on the fundamentals/process I've found that in many situations we are too attached to the outcome, the attitude that we have to get this, that we lose sight of the moment. It seems that based on what you wrote that you are too focused on the outcome because you feel that you have to make it work with this couple because the friendship pool is small in your area. Do you really want to have to worry and fret so much? My gay dating strategy is the polar opposite of my straight strategy. When I identified as straight, I was very goal-oriented. I have to find a girlfriend, get married, buy a house, start a family, etc. My gay dating paradigm is much different. Because I spent most of my life hiding my true self in the wrong relationship, I'm focused now on creating genuine connections where I can be me. The connections might become a hookup, a friendship, a BF, or possibly more. I focus on the connection and not the outcome. I don't worry too much about making impressions or other things down the road. Instead I focus on the moment and just be me. If there's a connection, great. If not, that's fine too. I suggest that you focus more on being yourself and stay in the moment. Paradoxically, this will probably increase your chances of achieving the results that you want. What are some examples of the social mistakes that you made?
Thanks for your responses. Working to enjoy the company of other gay men has its challenges and its rewards, for me at least. On the positive side, it does help me to normalize same-sex relationships. It really helps me to see a gay couple being comfortable together. I still have trouble sometimes believing what I'm seeing, but I am, in fact, seeing it. But on the other hand, for whatever reason, my understanding of local straight culture requires men to exude toughness, sometimes to the point of seeming callous, even cruel. I don't like that culture by any means, but it is what I'm very accustomed to. Unfortunately for me, trying to seem tough doesn't get me very far with these particular friends. They don't like that. While that is refreshing in a way, it also leaves me confused. I know that the right answer is to just act like "myself," but that is something I've never, and I do mean never, been allowed by my society to do. I'm afraid it's going to take me some time to learn how to not "correct" myself every time I start to act like myself. On another note, figuring out how to cast a wider net for friends in a smaller town does present its own frustrations; I'll leave those for another thread.
Crazydog Just talk to them. Tell them you spent so many years in the closet that you are in the process of discovering who you really are. You can add that you admire them because they seem to have done this and you hope you can follow their example. There is nothing like complete honesty and humility when in doubt.
Nick, that is such awesome advice. My general nature is to be extroverted. I have no problem talking with people I don't know, but I share Crazydog's difficulty in shedding the false layer of "straight acting" that I've worn for all my life. When the only "myself" I know how to be is a straight guy, it becomes a confusing mess to interact openly with other gay guys. This will definitely take some time to figure out. Funny, but I've spent so much time just figuring out I'm gay and coming out, and so little time on the what happens next. How do I go from here? I'm 47 and feel like that 15 year old all over again.
Iamgay I, too, am on a journey of discovery. I am not so much an extrovert as a problem solver and pretty fearless...now. So, I am not afraid to grab a hold of something and hang on. Right now, it is that I need to understand and express the gay parts of my personality. I need to be around gay guys to do this. So, that's what I am doing. I have a couple of new gay friends and I am not afraid to tell them I am clueless and will offend them at some point. Or, at least I will come across as an idiot. But, no matter how inept I feel, I will never again feel as uncomfortable as I did hiding my sexuality.
I've only just come out to my family, so it's going to take some time before I'm ready to reach out into the gay world. Since I already know that I'm going to divorce my wife and live separately, I feel like I should wait until that happens before I go exploring. I just don't know if that's a good idea or bad idea.
Iamgay We each need to define our own journeys and how we need to proceed. I have been amazed at what you have displayed as you move forward. My life is a bit of an exception I think. I am only out to my wife and people I don't know. I have to understand being gay before I can come out to my close friends and family as bi. Recently, my wife and I decided to relocate to a new town about 100 miles away. A very liberal college town. I am pretty out here. And, not out at all in our old conservative town where we still live part of the time. What you are doing is so much braver. I am simply modifying my life a bit to accommodate being bisexual. The real test for me is when I, eventually, will expand my new life back into my old life.
Some days it feels brave, others it feels just crazy. Did I really just do this? Did I really just out myself to everyone I know? Yes, I did. Crazy!
OMG, I made so many gay-related social mistakes in my late teens and most of my 20s. Did the wrong things, said the wrong things, wore the wrong things. However, those particular mistakes are things that I really don't regret. They were a LOT more fun than boring old conforming to social norms. Plus I learned a LOT. The people who don't care about your apparent social flaws are the ones who will be your longest lasting friends.
Iamgay So, when do you get to BE gay? It was killing me after I came out to my wife. It lasted a couple of weeks before we attended a Pride event. I simply could not wait to start to express myself.
