This has been a tough day, with ups and downs. I dropped the "I have a gay side" bomb on my wife about 3 weeks ago. We're still talking, and considering continuing to share a household, garden, and business. Essentially divorce and become roommates. Still trying to get my head around that, but open to the idea. Last night she moved to one of our empty bedrooms and this morning moved all her stuff to that room. I felt abandoned. I still care deeply for and about her. It was very hard to put on a positive face and attitude for my weekly business networking group meeting this morning, but I managed. Then I had coffee with a gay friend and we had a very good conversation. I felt much better with his support. Came home and completely lost it emotionally. It's been years since I cried; that's just not what I do. But I cried. Hard. Went for a walk and cried some more, pulling it together a bit when passing other houses (we live in a rural area so there's space between the houses on the 1.5 mile lap around our block). Managed to pull it together and got some work done for a client. My younger son (27) called, after my wife told him to call me. He accepted the gay thing easily, but we cried together over the idea of his parents divorcing. My older son (31) called, after I'd sent a text asking him to call after work. He also accepted the gay thing easily (and said he'd had some suspicions about me) and we talked through it. It's really felt like an emotional roller coaster today. That's really hard for someone who is usually very calm, collected, and in control. I doubt my experience is unique, but that doesn't make this personal journey and major change in how I see myself any easier. My closet door has been locked shut for so long I'm not sure how fast I want to open it. I'm not even sure I want to open it at all, but I suppose it's too late to close it again. Thanks for letting me vent. I guess that's what this forum is for.
We share a few demographics. I'm curious to know more about your goals in doing this. Also, when you told her "you have a gay side," did you mean you had a gay side, or a secret gay life? What I am confused by is why this leads to divorce, especially if it mainly has been a "thought crime." If you could, let your imagination loose, and write what would happen, in the best of all worlds, if everything turned out perfectly in your mind's eye.
I don't really have a lot of background, but I feel that your wife was a in a bit of a hurry to leave you behind? How much did you guys talk it over first? And sure, this is just the right place to let it all out.
Confused54 Sorry for your pain. You are doing great coming out to your sons. Very well done. I noticed that your orientation still says that you are "questioning" and that you told your wife you have a "gay side". Do you accept yourself as gay? It seems to me you are planning your life moving ahead as a gay man. Yet, have you come to terms with this yourself? It all seems to be in such fast forward from what you have written. Take a deep breath here. Take care man.
Im very proud of you for being in touch with the emotions of all this and being brave enough to share some of your emotions with your sons. Well done. Also, I'm proud you found at least one in person support. Keep posting and processing. It will get better, and you are making it better.
I do not know about you, but I found good cries were a great way to release years of built up emotion. Crying it healthy. Its part of the healing process. Cry all you want! Sounds like you have two incredibly supportive sons, that is fantastic! And whatever works out best between you and your spouse, regardless of what anyone else things, you need to do what you need to do.
Right now you are in crisis mode having recently come out to your wife. You are dealing with her (and maybe your) going through the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) as you process the changes as a couple. This is not a fun part of the journey, especially if she targets a lot of anger in your direction. The emotional roller coaster is a normal part of the journey, including crying, exhilaration, and everything in between. As for the crying, you've spent most of your life hiding your true self from the world, which has unexpected consequences. Hiding your emotions is likely one such consequence, so crying as a positive sign that you are beginning to unravel old behavior patterns. I hated when someone told me it gets better when I first started my journey. My problem is with the form of the message, which is more of a hashtag/shorthand that people throw around without proper context to someone who's early in their journey. Let me attempt to provide that context. Your life will get way better after you go through a painful period of adversity and challenges. I came out over a year ago, and today I'm the happiest and most content that I've been in my life. I've purged my internalized homophobia and shame. I discovered how amazing sex and relationships can be with another man. This is what people mean when they say it gets better. The journey will be difficult, but you can prevail through persistence and hard work. You will experience an emotional roller coaster for the first several months after coming out. Your life will start to get better as you confront the internalized homophobia and shame that have kept you in denial in the closet for decades and you begin discover your true, authentic self. HTH #sfpost
