Even though I've never physically acted upon my same-sex desires....I still feel like I'm cheating. My mind is elsewhere, but my body is doing all the robotics at home. I wouldn't even know how to begin with explaining it all to him. It all seems so straight forward when I think of the end goal, but oh my, so much mental destruction in between. Is it even worth it? I can now see why people come out of their 'closets' when the kids have left home. Less to deal with. Sorry for waffling. Feeling quite lonely today. I don't have a single gay friend, or anyone I could come out to without it cascading.
Im glad you are posting here. This is a good place, especially when you dont have any face to face community. I think you're "waffling" is totally normal and makes a lot of sense. It's a good thing to have a bit of caution, and these are really complex situations, especially with kids involved. You're doing fine. It might take a while, but you will figure out what you want and how you want to handle it, as you are ready. As you are more honest with yourself and others, not hiding all the time, it's such a relief. Hiding is telling outselves we have to be ashamed. You dont have anything to be ashamed of. You will figure out your way and your time. As they say, it gets better. If you had a safe person to come out to, what would you want to say? Tell us here.
I'm not even sure I'd know what to say, tbh. If they knew I was married with kids, I'd probably get the *gasp/horror* look.... I think I'd have to do the 'please let me start/finish' speech first, then I could explain before being advised/judged. All of this has been in my head since I was about 14. I'm 43 now. Relationships break down because I don't have the attraction there, so as soon as the giggly texts, nerves and finding out about each other has passed, I get incredibly trapped. I feel something is wrong before its even begun properly. Of course, things move on, every day merges into the next. People see you as a couple and then you just sigh and get on with it. Get up, go to work, see to kids, housework, sleep. It'll get better tomorrow. I have pnd. (post-natal depression) I have bi-polar tendencies. I have possible PTSD I have depression. But do I? How many mental health issues are in your head and how many are because of the seeming toxicity of your surroundings??! I just don't want to be here, in this situation. Feeling like a fraud. But feel too deep into it to just get up and walk away. Tears on my wedding morning.....everyone was like...awwww....don't worry. Nerves are okay. You look beautiful, the sun is shining.....so many people here to see you get married. And all I'm thinking is...omg...I don't want to be here. I don't want to get married. But again....too deep to run. I'm a bit of a people watcher. I could sit in a busy cafe window all day and watch people go by. And I'm always drawn to women. The way they walk, facial expressions, clothes, mannerisms. I'd be lying if I said there wasn't sexual attraction/fantasy there too, but I'll keep those thoughts in my head So yeah....in a bit of a thoughtful mood today.
Oh, please share your fantasies! LOL! We all love to hear them! I'm so sorry that you are feeling pressured like this. My best advice is to face the fire and tell them. It will probably get worse before it gets better. But once you cross that bridge, there's no where to go but up the hill. You deserve to be happy. This is your life and you deserve to live it feeling fulfilled. People will probably hurt from this, but they will get over it eventually because they are living their own lives. However, the longer you force yourself to stay in this, the more miserable you will feel.
Lol!! I used to write erotica, many moons ago. Maybe I should take it up again!! Lmao!! I think the only person pressuring me, is me. I just look at everything with a negative view if it doesn't fit in my end goal scenario. Not good for people around me either, I would think. :/
It was just short storys. Gay and straight. Obviously gay stuff was fantasies in my own head, but the straight stuff was how I imagined it to be for someone who actually wanted to be there......so I guess in the end it was all imagination!! Lol!! Man, that makes me feel all kinds of sad. Never having had an encounter where I was 100% 'there'.
