... Was there a consistent thought or set of thoughts/fantasies that, looking back, you recognized as being the main thing that kept you in denial about being gay? That you pointed to in your mind as the evidence you needed to keep moving forward as straight and that you somehow overcame? The one I have the hardest time with right now is that when I'm trying to sleep at night (I'm a terrible sleeper -- surprise, surprise) and trying to stop the mental wrestle, I always want a woman in my bed with me. Sometimes I want sexual stuff, but regardless of whether I do, I always want kissing and cuddling and I always want her as my little spoon. And I can't make it go away; I can't make myself not want it. And I feel like I really don't want these things with a man. And the whole thing kills me. I'm OK with busying myself with work and tasks during the day, but when you're in bed all alone in the dark at night, especially when you sleep consistently poorly, there's no place to go. And that's where I find it to be brutal. Anyone else relate?
My main thought growing up was "I don't think girls are unattractive, so therefore I'm not gay". There is a big difference though between finding someone attractive and not finding them unattractive.
There were lots of guys I did have some degree of attraction for. Banging them, um, not my drive, but yeah let's make out. With maybe 2 exceptions, those guys now do not identify as straight. I was the girl all the gay and bi guys dated before coming out. So, I tried to say that I wasnt really gay if I liked some guys..... Bisexual erasure contributes to self-closeting logic. Theres a sense of, well, some opposite sex attraction, soooo.... yeahimustbestraightrightcuzthatstheonlythingthepeoplearoundmeareokwith. If people had a sense that bi was actually a thing, maybe it would reduce that super not helpful black and white thinking. ---------- Post added 1st Sep 2016 at 10:47 PM ---------- For me, identifying as "not straight" was a very helpful and important step.
I think I get confused on what people mean by attraction, as I feel some define it differently. Would you describe "attraction" here as how you would feel seeing someone naked? Having a crush or butterflies in the stomach feeling (i.e. any emotional component)? Or is it more specifically who you want to have sex with at that moment in time/what genitals you prefer? I realize this may be a weird way to ask this question but these things do not always line up for me in one column. This is interesting -- What do you think it was that drew questioning guys to you, or you to them (or both)?
Attractive, at that time, for me, was just that I really liked looking at them or being around them. Like a magnetic pull. Yes, crush/butterflies. Definitely didn't want to have sex with anyone back then. People (guys) who I found attractive, yes, I did like to imagine (and occasionally see) them naked. What teenage guy wouldn't want to see their dreams right in front of them? Girls, who I didn't find unattractive, I just thought were pretty and I wanted them to like me. To some extent I wanted to be associated with good looking girls for potential social up-ranking. Having a hot girlfriend would have been an extremely successfully way of moving up the high school popularity hierarchy.
I think of attraction as the crush/butterflies type. But I think the lust feelings generated by thinking about genitals or seeing them is also a part of attraction. One part is more emotional, another part more sexual. As for OP's question, looking back I have come to the understanding that I didn't have the crush/butterflies for my wife. I was able to have very successful and satisfying sex with her, especially because she was on the pill and I didn't have to deal with condoms. I was horny enough in my 20's and early 30's to be ready anytime, even for a woman. This was the chief thing about my denial - that I was having hetero sex, therefore I'm not gay. I was then able to compartmentalize my gay porn and masturbation fantasies as just a quirky part of me that no one else needs to know about. NO ONE! I think the ability to compartmentalize, rationalize and justify the obvious clues to my homosexuality were the chief contributors to my denial.
Denial is weird. I was able to stay in denial because I'm not really all that visually attracted to men or so I thought. I would watch gay porn a lot and somehow stay in complete denial. I had so many fantasies about men, but completely ignored it Iguess. I had so many times when I look back that it should have been really obvious. I couldn't admit it to myself forever. I had to give myself permission to not be straight. I always liked girls and I didn't really find myself recognizing attractions to men. It was destroying me and I finally admitted it to my wife and my friends.
I appreciate what you're saying about just wanting to enjoy a woman lying next to you in bed and how you can't imagine doing the same with a male. I loved cuddling and kissing with my wife and after she was gone it took me a long time to accept that I might also want to do the same with a guy. And then one night in a gay sauna I got together with a guy and for whatever reason we ended up holding each other, kissing and talking and were the last guys to leave. I never saw him again but it gave me a taste of what true intimacy with a guy is like. I've spent the last 12 months in a constant internal battle of denying the truth - which is that I want a guy in my life - I tried to focus on just having casual anonymous sex until two weeks ago when I met a guy who I couldn't just fuck with and move on. We've cuddled and Kissed a lot and when we fall asleep, we spoon up against each other. And it feels just as good as it did with my wife. If you are stressing so badly about this, then you have to get out there and try it. I'm a big believer in just getting out and having sex as the only way to find out what you like and don't like. Stressing about it all night isn't going to solve anything. But approach it all with an open mind and an open heart and just see what happens. And don't forget the influence of society and upbringing on your opinion of what it means to be with a man. Especially in America where you guys have all kinds of weird and wacky people spouting fire and brimstone for anyone who doesn't toe their narrow and very straight line.
Let's see here. I am 31 years old and started coming out and truly accepting myself for the last 2.5 years ago. It has been one of the most difficult things I have done. There were many things I told myself throughout the years: Denial of my attraction for girls/women: "All women admire other women. My admiration is no different than any other straight females. It doesn't mean I am gay."--Looking back my intrigue and fascination with the female form is sexual attraction. "I have always like having a female bff in my life. It does NOT mean anything."--Looking back I wanted way too much for that to be the case. :badgrin: Denial of my lack of attraction to guys: "I just need a guy who is sensitive and has feminine qualities. I just need a special guy and everything will fall into place for me. I can see sometimes when a guy is good looking."--Looking back there was something people who are attracted to males see, which I don't. Just because someone is easy on the eyes does NOT mean sexual attraction. :eusa_doh: "People say they get nervous around some one they like. I get nervous just thinking about being in a romantic environment with a guy. Therefore, this must be sexual attraction."-- Looking back that was an awkward nervous. Like, something in the back of my head was saying, "Are you sure this is what you want?" That is not attraction type of nervous!! That is a "this is weird" type of nervous!! Denial through my support of the LGBT community: "I am empathic and caring person. I feel SO passionately about it because of my desire for the eradication of all injustice. I am attracted to femininity, so I just relate to being attracted to things that are not conventional."-- Looking back there was too much of a innate sense of solidarity with the community for that thought to be true. I even remember when I had a bunch of gay guy friends in college I had thought to myself multiple times, "I really admire the courage that it takes to come out."--Looking back that thought would continue like this if I allowed myself, "I could not do it about guys. Maybe about girls I could." However, if I continued that thought, I would be coming out to myself. There was no way that was happening in college!! :icon_sad: Denial/rationalization/minimalization of the neccessity of living my life authentically: "I have a low sex drive. It doesn't really matter if I am not sexually compatible with my partner. I can still be happy enough."--Looking back there were many signs that it was taking a toll on my psychological well-being. After accepting myself, these signs went away. It's interesting how things work out that way. :lol: I have termed these statements as mental gymnastics. If there were the olympics for denial statements of one's homosexuality, I deserve at least an honorable recognition. It's really nice not having to do these anymore. (!)
I may be reading this wrong, but it sounds like for some people they experimented and than became attracted to men rather than the other way around? (which seems so strange to me in some ways) If so, how did you pick someone to do it with at the time? I can accept that I might need to experiment, but how do you choose someone? There's no one I particularly want to do this with, it's just -- right now anyway a faceless act. Did you just try to find someone who didn't completely turn you off at the time and then become attracted to them?
I don't know. I haven't ever really been with anyone. I do know that I didn't really see anyone that I wanted to be with. Then one day, I was sitting on my couch shirtless and I had a sunburn on my shoulder. Without saying anything, my roommate touched my shoulder. He was just curious to feel if my skin was hot. He is black and I'm white so I guess he was curious. But the moment he put his hand on my shoulder, I felt electricity. I was not expecting that, but it was an incredible feeling. When a man touches me, I feel really attracted to him or not. I'm not much of a visual guy.
I am starting to realize it's not just about sex... I really want to be intimate with a man... but i really didn't consider it possible until i read stories like yours... then I read them and it immediately hits me that that its not just a sexual fantasy it's about something so much more.
I felt this way too. I don't think I am visually attracted to men, but yeah, gay porn, gay masturbation, instant erection when thinking about guys... The looking at women part still confuses me though.
