The skill of walking away from people who are bad for, but you really like

Hey Cali. As you know, I had someone that I liked very much, even possibly loved, that I had a hard time walking away from. They weren't as blatant as the person you've been speaking of, and instead were highly manipulative. I couldn't tell that she was the bad person all the time because she was great at what she did, and I was in a haze with her. It was the first time I was having these feelings and I wanted to indulge in anyway I could, even though something was telling me the person was off. Maybe this is something you're going through - wanting a relationship with a woman no matter what because you're craving it.

Once I told her how I felt and was chilled by her reaction to that, I knew it was too unhealthy for me to be friends with her and our communication faded off. Almost a year later, she tried to get my attention again but I ignored her because I knew there was an issue. That she had red flags I couldn't ignore.

My advice for you is, you've been going back and forth about this person for a long time. That means something. No good relationship starts off with multiple messages where you complain about the person behaving in ways that make you uncomfortable. Not one.

You may want to look into People Pleaser Syndrome. I'm not saying that to be an asshole at all, but this paired with your last experience may make some sense if you look into that theory and what it means. Even if you only relate to some things, it may help you realize the things you're overlooking and help you to stop. Also, if you're having a feeling that something isn't right--you have, yourself, referred to things this person has done as "red flags"--you're probably right and should trust your inner judgement. Red flag isn't just a saying for things we don't like about a person (she laughs like a hyena: red flag), red flags are something we refer to when there's an apparent design flaw in someone and they may be showing signs of abusive behavior. No one can tell you to walk away. You need to advocate for yourself and remove yourself from the situation. Heated moments are a dime a dozen.

Also, I totally and completely disagree with whatever your lesbian friends are saying. I think that men and women do handle some things differently, I believe men are more blunt when it comes to their wants because society has taught them that they're allowed to go for what they want while women should wait to "get" what they want. I've known gay couples and they didn't play games with each other. They loved each other and had incredible communication. That's what a good relationship is made up of, and you can lack that in any gender relationship. Maybe you're getting lost in people who play games because you believe it to be a truth for women, but it's certainly not, so free yourself of those ridiculous, and rudely stereotypical, thoughts and move forward.

 

I'm a guy and I had huge issues with this. But I think the more open and honest you are with yourself and the more you manage to live true to your values, then the smaller the chances of getting trapped in this negative cycle becomes.

 

I think it's best if you have some real clear-cut deal killers in mind. For me, manipulation is huge. Stalking (particularly when used to get ammo for manipulation) is also a dead end. A single threat and I'm gone. Abuse of any kind is also a good way to get rid of me. Betrayal of trust is likewise huge.

Those are some of mine. It gets tricky, of course, in the grey areas...was that act meant as manipulation, or did it just have an effect on me? Was it abuse? Or just carelessness. I may take some time to figure out the answer, particularly if it's a person with whom I've built a strong base of trust over a substantial period of time...sometimes there can be quite a bit of communication needed to sort out what was really going on. But if I settle on yes, it was abuse/manipulation/etc., then it's better to walk away than to compromise your principles or your safety.

 

While I was bartending, I met this guy who was really cool. However, one night after the club closed, my fellow co-workers were questioning me about him. The reason they were doing this was because unknown to me, he was known as the biggest drug dealer in the state. I did not judge him at that time because I did not indulge in drugs and all we did was have good conversation where he made me laugh a lot. Many times some of my fellow bartenders would take me to his huge home after hours where he would take them upstairs or to a certain part of the house and they would partake in drug use. What I began to notice was that he always made sure that I was not exposed to this behavior. As I chatted with him more, I found out that he was studying to be a chef and he would always cook these awesome meals for me try out and give my opinion.

I can recall this one time when he had so many people there and they all were drugged out that I had to be the designated driver that made sure that my work buddies got home safely which they all appreciated. However, I began to feel awkward about being around them and decided not to hang out with them after work hours anymore. All of a sudden one night while working, this guy came in with his huge entourage and the music came to a complete halt. He and his group motioned to the bar station and ask the head bartender where I was. The bartender pointed at me and this guy and his group came towards me. He asked me if he could talk to me for a minute which I was okay with. He then questioned me about why I stopped coming over to his house which I answered. He then went on to tell me that he really liked hanging out with me and he liked the way I handled myself and he kept the drug activity away from me because he knew I did not indulge and he wanted to give me the upmost respect while I was visiting him. He then asked me to start coming over again which I did because I set boundaries with our friendship and he respected me for doing so. Therefore, with that being said...once you the red flags are exposed to you and if you really like the person, then you could set boundaries with the friendship in order to maintain it.

 

I absolutely have this problem--and I seem to pick some real winners to get attached to. It's so hard when the heart and mind don't match. It's like you know these people are hurting you and are not the best match for you and yet you still feel them in your heart.

I don't know about you all but sometimes I feel like I will never get it right :icon_sad: My husband is a good man but we never had that strong deep powerful connection I seem to need in life. Then when I meet someone I feel that connection with, they end up being all wrong.

Wish I had some advice for you here. Be true to yourself and love yourself and know that you deserve to be treated with R-E-S-P-E-C-T. How's that?

 

Some good advice there! I can identify strongly with this and wish I'd realised it earlier. All my life I've been so terrified of abandonment, had such non-existent self esteem and been so desperate to feel like I belong with someone and am "useful" that it has led me being taken advantage of, as well as me doing that to others. I dealt with the guilt of never being happy with my life by self medicating and am now a recovering addict.

I recently ended a serious relationship of well over a decade when I realised that caring about someone is not a reason to compromise my life and settle for something that simply won't work and is only destroying us both. There was psychological abuse both ways and we both expected understanding for our problems, unable to nurture one another. I've decided now to learn to take responsibility for my own life and concentrate on healing myself before I can be a good friend or partner for anyone. I'll hopefully be a better friend to my ex than I was a lover. I'm not sure I ever want to be in a romantic relationship again as that always seems to cause nothing but grief for me, but never say never, I take it one step at a time and just concentrate on me and my relationships with family and friends.