Dear all, When i turned 38 something hitted me very hard, so hard im still not over it by far. I realized i ve never had a loving relationship in my life because i denied myself that. I lived my life in the closet untill i was 36. Hiding toke its toll and led me to a life of anxiety, depressions and drug abuse. I was to scared to come out, being judged or rejected, partially due to my social fobia. Since my 36th, i am slowly adapting to my 'new' identity trying to meet with other gay people. Its hard because i didnt know anybody else who was gay, so it takes some time. So i go to gaybars and try to meet up with guys but i find it so awkward, it s like the gay lifestyle doesnt fit me, like it is not who i am. will that takes time? in the meantime i managed to get the job that i want (police). But that job gives me a lot of anxiety nowadays. I m still not out to my colleages. the stress of coming out to them is building up, but also the fear of their reactions. thinking of coming out to them is physically making me nauseous. I know the only way to ease the burden is by telling them, letting my secret out and hopefully i may experience a sense of relieve but i am horrified of their reactions. I feel so incredibly miserable all day long...the horrible feeling i screwed up my life, the stress of coming out to work, the anxiety that comes with it, the loneliness and the fear of a miserable life/future is paralyzing me to take actions. i am alienating from my good friends, because im a miserable wreck and not fun to be around with. i am so freaking scared.... I am hoping so bad that someone will take the time to read this and give me some support. anything.....
So sorry you're having a hard time now. Congratulations on the job btw. I've worked closely with police in the past and have seen how tough a profession that is. Well I fully understand your desire to come out to your colleagues, but is there anyway you could start with some close friends or family? I've found that to be most helpful so far. As you do I fear coming out at work terribly.
I have known a quite a few gay/lesbians who were in the Police and police support staff, I think you will be amongst like minded people definatley. Here in the U.K theres a gay/lesbian police group, I know because I've seen it advertised etc.Is there anything like that where you are that you could join? Also you might enjoy more a mens tea/dinner group or outdoors group rather than the gay scene as such. Lots of gay people dont like clubs and bars. The gay man I was thinking about who was in the Police used to sing in a gay choir. I honestly dont think anyone in the Police would be shocked about a colleague being gay/lesbian.You dont have to tell them anything if you dont want to. If you do though tell someone who is decent and trustworthy. It sounds to me like you might benefit from some type of support group.Is there anything suitable nearby?
Although I'm far away from being as old as you, nor have I been in your exact situation, I do understand exactly how you're feeling. Depression, loneliness, and social anxiety - three lethal combinations. After many years of suffering from that in silence, I simply couldn't handle them all anymore, and I fell into deep depression where I basically isolated myself from everything in my life and was put through therapy. During that time I also started to think a lot about my sexuality, how lonely I were, how the chances of me finding someone to love in the future would be really love, how hated people like me are in this society around me and it just dragged me down even further. I understand that you're terrified of their reactions, and I know that social phobia and anxiety makes it even worse, but the only way to overcome it is to challenge yourself to do it. However, you never take a huge jump at first, do you? Let close friends and family know first, people you trust and feel like they'd support you somewhat. Once you're more comfortable with yourself you could give your colleagues hints and see how they react. If they're typical homophobes and hates gay people no matter what, then perhaps you could change location where you're working or something (sorry I don't know much about that). Just remember to never give up, because things are going to get better. At least they did for me, I feel like a completely different person now. I wish you the best of luck with everything, sorry if this post is confusing (&&&)
thanks travelerme, i did came out to my family and friends who where all very supportive. But that feeling of comfort didnt last and now my mind is telling me over and over that coming out to my coworkers will be a disaster... Are you not out at work too? is it bothering you hard or is it manageble? hai poppy43, thank you for your words. There is a support group, i emailed them today if i could talk to someone about my situation...even that was very awkward for me to do. the thought of meeting that person makes me nervous. But what I most fear is the reaction of my close coworkers though. Thats a nice idea, meeting people outside of the bars. i will look into that but right now, I am in a situation where every step i take, if any, seems futile, feels terribly awkward and nervewrecking with absolutely no guarantee of a happier life..it is very scary for me.. is that something you can relate too? does it get better? ---------- Post added 2nd Sep 2016 at 10:55 PM ---------- thanks a lot for your post, its not confusing at all. i am sorry you went throught tough times as well but I am glad things got better for you. do you mind me asking what helped you out of your bad situation? did you opened up/confided someone into your orientation?
Depression and anxiety really are warning signs that you should seek professional help - if you haven't already. Your experiences show how destructive homophobia is in our societies and what a terrible toll it takes on people's lives. So it's very courageous of you to decide to come out. But without support from people around you, it's going to remain very difficult for you. I wish you well.
As an institution, police organisations are pretty sorted these days about being inclusive. They are part of Pride parades in the bigger cities. So I think the likelihood of you getting any hatred or awkwardness in your job is more in your own mind than in reality. Easy to say I know. As you were closeted till your 30s I expect you will find certain things difficult to deal with - probably because you have some three decades of 'internalised homophobia' working against you. This needs work. But the underlying problem is the anxiety and depression which fuels these negative feelings and if you have not sought professional therapeutic advice I think it could be very beneficial at this stage in your life to do just that. In the meantime, meeting gay men on equal terms - and not in the meat markets of gay clubs - would be a very good thing to focus on. That is .. meeting people in your age group in more mature shared interest groups where hooking up is not the main thing on the agenda. Meet-up groups, gay hiking groups, cycling, theatre groups, whatever you can find going on. Alternatively just sign up to some non-LGBT groups and expand your social circles generally. It will all help take you out of your head. 30s isn't late .. you have 30-60 years to map out ahead - just think!!
Thank you For your words and suggestions, it actually helps! Probably not For long, then my negative thoughts and worst scenario's take over again I do get help For my anxiety and depression. I guess it takes time. What hurt the most is that live is passing me by, as it did For a lot of years struggling with depression. I did not handle it very well, me being gay that is. But i m hoping when i m fully out, which is a struggle by itself, there is more room For handling my other problems, low selfworth For example. I hope, because i want to at least have the chance For a happy life. There is a lot of work to do.. Several times in my life i was so down, felt so hopeless and desperate that suicidal thoughts gave me comfort... There is an end to all this. But now i m slowly realizing.. Its all me. i never ever tried to be happy because of my thoughts...these are so strong, but they maybe not right ( all the time). There is another part fueling these horrible thoughts of low worth. All my friends have started families what makes me feel like an outcast. I dont fit in any more and therefore I feel like some sort of loser.. I m trying to remember that everyone had its OWN path... It is a scary one but i have to find the courage to walk down that path... And not hesitate and wandering whats around the corner... Just go see For yourself...! Thanks again mr!
It's quite a long story actually. I randomly met someone who helped me become more accepting towards myself (I still don't accept myself to 100% though). We became close friends and I could basically talk about anything with him. However, something that's worth mentioning is that this person was extremely manipulative, had serious personality disorders/issues and caused my depression to become even worse (not going to go into detail). After a while I decided to just end the friendship. By that time I had become more accepting of myself and more comfortable with my sexual preference, and I even came out to some other close friends I've known for long time online. They were all accepting and that was a huge relief. My depression started to fade away gradually after that and I started to feel like a completely different person.
Your not an outcast, life is just different for different people. All those people with families will go on to experience their own issues.I dont know one straight couple who have stayed together, all are divorced, or having affairs, desperately unhappy or now single and only want very casual sex/relationships from now on. I think you do fit in but not with that group of people anymore, I think we outgrow our friendship groups and have to find others who we have more in common with. Its the way it is. What about joining some type of sports group? your bound to be fittish if your in the Police and people would talk to you and you would be able to at least meet some new people and build some confidence.
Jerry, you have already received some good advice in this thread and I concur with the suggestions about looking beyond bars and apps for social connections within the LGBT community. Look up LGBT community groups, sports groups, social groups etc. You say you are receiving help for the anxiety and depression, but you didn't say anything about your sexuality. To what extent have you talked about your sexuality during therapy (assuming it is therapy)? It's entirely possible that your struggle with your sexuality is fuelling the anxiety, social phobia and depression. Going back to your original posting, you said that the 'gay lifestyle' doesn't seem a good fit for you and I would like to ask you what you mean by the 'gay lifestyle'? How do you perceive it and how do you feel about being gay now? The reason you are so ill at ease with telling your colleagues, is because you are still ill at ease with yourself, so I would strongly urge you to focus on self acceptance and work from there. This is why therapy that specifically addresses your sexuality is so important. You are not an outcast, but you are casting yourself out at present. Big difference! It can (and does) change though, but it's a journey. Share it with us!
