Hi I haven´t written anything for months now but reading posts every now and then. Long story short. Married to a man. Turning 37 next weekend. Accepted that I was a lesbian about a year ago (after a long time of questioning). Three kids, age 7-12. This year has been a roller coaster ride. A great desire of coming out and being with a woman, living my life and stop the lying and hiding. Then again, so afraid to split up my family and leave the security I have. Not wanting to be struggling again after building a life for the family. Divorce terrifies me. And more, the guilt of staying in a relationship and faking it all. I feel so much guilt, I feel so bad about it. Anyway. I told my sister I was gay last Christmas. That was a huge relief and a lot of weight off my shoulders just being able to talk. Then I visited my cousin who lives in New York last May. We were out drinking and dancing and I started flirting with a woman. My cousin realized what was going on so we talked about it and she was so accepting. I´ve been wanting to leave my marriage for a while but not finding the courage. But for how long can I pretend? For how long can I keep it in? I thought I could just ignore everything, but I can´t. But I´m making progress. I´ve talked to my dad now (who is an accountant). My dad is my guy, he´s so smart and always always there for me. I told him that sooner than later I would leave my marriage. I needed his help to start thinking about my finances and how to make it all work. I didn´t tell him I was gay but it was a progress. A progress towards ending my marriage. I want to shout out to the world that I´m gay. I want a relationship with a woman. I want to kiss a woman, hold her hand, be close. I finally feel like it´s something that might actually happen. I´ve been so far away from being able to leave my husband, but the ball is rolling and it´s going fast. Almost too fast. But I feel like it´s progress. I cry almost every day about the situation I am in, about how much I want out of this marriage, about splitting the family up, about everything. But I need to do this. Most days I can´t wait to come out. Thank you all for reading and writing other posts. It´s important knowing that there are others out there that are going through the same. Love to you all.
Yeah, I know. Read my threads and I'm sure you will see many similarities. I was in your shoes exactly a year ago, although I didn't tell anyone. Instead I let it build up until I hit a crisis moment and outed myself to my wife in June. I'm now out to most of my inner circle of friends and family. Just a few more outings to go. My kids are a little older than yours, 16 and 12. They took the news really well and accepted me as gay easily. The divorce part is going to be rough but they will get through it. I don't know how your husband will be. I hope for the best for you. Please keep in mind that you are not breaking up your family. You are a family and will always be a family. Whether you are all living together or not, you will always be a family. When your kids move out to start their own lives, are you no longer a family? What you are breaking up is a marriage that no longer works. You will still be your kids' mom, but perhaps a better mom - one who is happier, not depressed, open and honest, living with passion and not fear. I know because I've been right where you are. During crisis, I reached the point just before coming out where I imagined the worst possible scenario of coming out (kicked out by my wife, total rejection by everyone, nasty divorce, kids hate me - yeah I went there) and decided that the pain I was experiencing right then was worse than the the most horrible scenario I could imagine. Of course, absolutely none of those bad outcomes came true. So, then I knew that I had to come out and just live with whatever consequences would come. So, I faced the fear. I hope this helps you. I can't tell you what you should do, I can only share my story and maybe you find some truth in there for you. ((HUGS))
This is true. I´m not breaking up the family, just a different family life. And I know I will be happier in the end and I´m guessing my kids will be happier too when I´m in a better place in life. It´s so easy to focus on the worst outcome. I know it will be hard but this is not how I want to live my life. This is just pain every single day. Thanks for sharing your story. Always good to know you´re not alone. ---------- Post added 3rd Sep 2016 at 08:36 AM ---------- (*hug*) Not an easy situation to be in. Hope all the best for you.
