I am really struggling to function anymore. My wife thinks I might be gay and that really stresses me out. I am very attracted to her and in love. I just usually don't feel like having normal intercourse with her because I like to be the bottom. Top and bottom has nothing to do with orientation, right? I don't think I'm gay, I really like girls. Does anyone relate? I'm really scared because she is the only person I've ever been with. I mean I haven't even kissed anyone else. I sometimes think I just made this all up and I'm really straight, but I know I'm just lying to myself. I had a queer friend to talk to this about but she just stopped and has ignored all my attempts to contact her. I just want to feel normal again.
No, top and bottom does not have anything to do with orientation. I know of SEVERAL men who prefer to be bottom with a woman. One of them is a very close friend of mine. Has she tried maybe having sex with you while she's on top? Or are you wanting her to use a strap-on?
I guess the latter, I really like strapon sex. I like having sex with her on top sometimes. I do go back and forth. I am able to get excited having normal sex, but I usually would rather not. Part of the problem is she is too sick to really do either. She is in a lot of pain and doesn't have any energy. I cannot fault her for it, but I can't tell if she is really into sex how I want it or she is just trying to appease me. Even though I've explained this several times, it's like she doesn't understand.
So, she's in too much pain to be on top and to use a strap-on? But she's not in enough pain to be on bottom and receive? That sounds kinda ridiculous. If she can't believe you for what you say, then maybe you should see a marriage counselor. I'm sorry she is being this way.
I mean she has MS so she has no energy. Like never ever ever. It just sucks. I don't think she is using it as an excuse. Maybe I'm the person not communicating well. She is medicated a lot so that's probably part of it. Fuck me, I guess that answers my question a little bit. I just wanted to know that I'm not crazy.
Godless So sorry your intimacy needs cannot be met in your marriage due to illness. That is so difficult. I have a little understanding as my wife had a surgery that messed her up for a while and she could not enjoy sex. Me, being someone who is into pleasing others, had a lot of unfulfilled sexual needs. Being bisexual, this about drove me crazy. I started questioning everything. As I recall, you do have gay attractions yes? You may be bi, it is real. You can be attracted to your wife but desire sex with men or the sexual acts that are a part of that. Here's what I am doing. I came out to my wife and we are working on intimacy that does not involve as much sex. Touching, back rubs, intercourse without finishing TMI. Things that she can enjoy that don't hurt her or make her uncomfortable. And, I fool around with guys on the side to fulfill the other needs. It is working for us. We are closer than ever and our sex life is better because of the communication. Talk to your wife. Let her know you want to meet her needs but you have needs too.
I think there are a lot of ways for you both to be intimate that don't necessarily involve intercourse and within her physical abilities. In addition to sensual massage, you can use masturbation, oral sex, as well as dildo play. If a strap-on is too vigorous for her, a dildo used in you can work too for some of your needs.
I definitely would love to have sex with men at least to try it once or maybe a million times. I think it is really selfish though to want to have sex with other people just because she is sick. She has an insanely high sex drive. Higher than mine, but many times she is too sick to act on it. Sometimes it goes for days, or even weeks. A few times we couldn't do anything for months. Part of that was I was really depressed and in denial about my sexuality as well. It's hard because she says she is into strapon or a lot of times just dildos, but it seems like maybe she would rather just have normal sex. I know I have to trust her at her word. I'm really insecure that she doesn't want this.
Godless I know we discussed some counseling to help you really understand your sexuality. It seems to me you may have some unresolved issues with this. Your wife deserves to be sexually fulfilled, as do you. That is not selfishness. It is just being human. Understanding what each of you needs and complete honesty with yourself and your wife is necessary. This is not easy. There is so much emotion, history and societal expectations that it is not a clear path. It is possible to open up your marriage. But, it is complicated and different for everybody. It seems to be working well for my marriage. But, we are older. Expectations and desires change. I would never leave my wife because she was sick and I wanted gay sex. That is not me either. But, I also know my wife would not ever ask me to be celibate either if I needed to be gay. We would figure something out. Maybe time to start to have some very open and honest conversations.
Maybe I view sex the wrong way. I don't think I would give a shit about an open relationship. The idea of her having sex with other people has never bothered me. I am perfectly capable of fulfilling her needs. I am just afraid of all the disease out there. But we're going to talk and I'll see how it goes. I feel like the grass is greener always. I'm afraid we'd ruin our marriage if we opened it up. I guess honesty and communication is the only fix here. Well I'll see how it goes.
Maybe I view sex the wrong way. I don't think I would give a shit about an open relationship. The idea of her having sex with other people has never bothered me. I am perfectly capable of fulfilling her needs. I am just afraid of all the disease out there. But we're going to talk and I'll see how it goes. I feel like the grass is greener always. I'm afraid we'd ruin our marriage if we opened it up. I guess honesty and communication is the only fix here. Well I'll see how it goes.
Yep. STD's are a big risk. I found I assumed a lot about what I thought my wife wanted and I was not correct. I also found out how important it is to me to be able to express my sexuality with men. First, I needed to accept that I had same sex desires and there was nothing wrong with it. Having the desires and staying monogamous is an option for sure. I would do that rather than leave my wife. My wife knows this.
It's not ridiculous at all. As someone with a history of chronic pain I completely understand this. Being the bottom is nowhere near as painful and energy consuming as being on top. Personally, I would totally want to be on top if I had a penis and didn't have pain issues but not much I can do about that so when having sex with a man being on top not only kills my back and knees but also makes me feel like I'm having sex "backwards", trying to give while actually receiving because I'm stuck with this stupid hole and that fuels my dysphoria So yeah, people can and do have good reasons why they are only happy with certain positions and can't have sex that pleases both equally because of that. Aaanyway, as many have said communication goes a long way and I hope you and your wife can figure something out that helps with your relationship.
We talked and it went pretty well. She was really mean at first and told me that I was exaggerating and not appreciating everything she did for me. I didn't even know what to say, except to ask her why she thought I was bringing this up. I think we're going to be okay moving forward. I just took her by surprise and she felt attacked. I didn't know what else to say, but play happy music for like thirty minutes and then try to casually bring up that my needs weren't all being met. We ended up cuddling and she finally made me feel understood. Thanks for all the help. I'm not trying to make her seem unsupportive because she has been, this is a bit much sometimes I guess. I just want to function as a productive happy member of society again.
I'm a bottom, and it takes a ton of energy to be there, especially if your partner is being a bit rough and wild. But, I guess it does take more energy to be a top now that I think about it. I'm sorry you're having a hard time with your dysphoria. I really hate that.
She already knows all that. I told her that my sexual needs weren't being met. When I came out, I told her all this before, but it was like she didn't process it. It's not like she wasn't doing anything, it was just not enough. Like I want sex a certain way more than half the time and she thought maybe one in ten was good enough. I think I'm content to be monogamous as long as she is willing to accept my needs.
Guess it depends on the person and their health which positions are most draining/uncomfortable. Yeah, issues with one's own body can make their sex life suck too. But honesty helps a lot. Finally working on my own issues now so yay
