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Update of sorts (nothing exciting)

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by LostInDaydreams, Sep 4, 2016.

  1. LostInDaydreams

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    It's only been a week or so, but the longest I've been off EC since joining. :lol:

    I've started my training course now, which is great, but it's going to be a lot of work.

    My partner asked me for oral sex last night and I said no. Go me! :icon_bigg Though, I had been up working past 1 am, so I don't think I could be considered unreasonable anyway.

    And I might have a little bit of a crush on my new hairdresser. :lol: I normally hate having my haircut. I find it to be a really uncomfortable experience. But, I've already booked up my next appointment. Never done that before!! :icon_bigg
     
  2. LostInDaydreams

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    I've got a bit more time now...

    With the training course, I am keen to give it everything I've got, but I am feeling a bit 'I just can't do this'. It doesn't help that I've got other people telling me that they can't see me doing it either. Also, I'm struggling with the idea of not being with my daughter as much, and just managing all these changes in general. Just a case of adjusting, I guess.

    As for telling my partner about my sexuality or anything else along those lines, it just doesn't feel significant at the moment. There's too much other stuff going on. It's still on my mind, but more in the background. Also, to make all this new stuff work, I really need everything going smoothly at home, so I just don't know how to feel right now.

    My partner keeps talking through plans for the future, and just don't know when a good time to separate is going to come up. I know that there isn't one really, and then there's the impact on him and our daughter.

    I know that I'm not straight, but I don't know about anything else at the moment. I feel like a fraud having 'lesbian' as my orientation since my life style is completely straight. It feels like I'm trying to be something I'm not, or at least, something I can't live up to.
     
  3. hexamum

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    Give your course everything you can. Don't let others opinions of your ability bring you down x

    As for the home life, you're living exactly like me. Straight marriage. Husband has got a freakin' clue. Planning for future things, even simple things like 'shall we jeep the caravan?' I'm thinking in my head...."I DONT CARE!!!!!!" lol!
    I have no idea about the first words to Say to even launch I to the subject.

    Stay strong x
     
  4. LostInDaydreams

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    Thanks for your reply! Glad to know I'm not alone. I'm thinking exactly the same, just different details. Mine wants to book holidays for next summer. :confused:
     
  5. hexamum

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    Yeah, im considering time frames too.
    To start off with, it was....I will wait till kids older.....but even day by day it becomes harder to deal with it. X
     
  6. LostInDaydreams

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    It terms of how hard it is to deal with, for me, it goes up and down.

    To be honest, when we don't have sex for a week or so, it's not too bad. We get on OK day-to-day, and my partner isn't affectionate, so it's like we're friends.

    At the moment, my mind is on other things, so I'm handling it a little better.

    Are you in a position to be able to separate?
     
  7. hexamum

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    Separation.?
    If I was brave, strong,... Yes.
    But I'm not. I'm scared of everything.
    Husband wouldn't let me leave without a fight....and i know there will be a fight. :frowning2:
    I have older children (previous relationship) and now smaller ones (with present hubby).... He'd not let them go without a battle.
    Hence me thinking that I'd stick it out till they were older.
    But everytime he makes.some innuendo, or gets close, I feel terrible.
    Luckily his sex drive is the lower end of the scale, so I only have to put up with it now and then. Sounds awful, doesn't it. :frowning2:
     
  8. I'm gay

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    I don't advocate people coming out before they are ready, and I don't have little children (mine are 12 and 16). I totally thought two years ago when I came out to myself that I would wait until they were up and out before doing anything. That didn't quite work out because in just two years staying in the closet but no longer in denial caused me to have a nervous breakdown.

    The decisions we make are for good reasons at the time we make them. Telling yourself that you can just keep going for 10 more years (or whatever length) until the kids are grown can seem like a good decision. However, here's some things to consider:

    You may already have depression or you may become depressed. I did.
    You will continue to feel like you are pretending. That feeling invades your life and strips away your desire to be truly in the present with your family. I withdrew during my depression. I stopped caring about my interests, my family, the future, making plans. I just stopped caring about those things. Will that be good for anyone? Will withdrawing from your husband help him?

    I didn't consider how my staying in the closet and becoming depressed would affect my wife and kids.

    Is it fair to your husband for him to unknowingly be with a wife who doesn't love him the way he needs to be loved? You are considering making a sacrifice of your life and happiness for the sake of the family, but you need to consider that you are forcing him to unknowingly make that same sacrifice. That's not really fair and I'm still dealing with the aftermath of that decision.

    Since I've come out, I've realized that EVERY reaction I have received has been completely different from what I was expecting. Your fears and anxiety fuels your imagination of the worst possible outcomes. That's normal. But, you need to also realize it for what it is - YOUR FEARS. Until you actually come out to people, you don't really know what reaction you will get. Most people will surprise you.

    I just came out last night to a family friend (a staunch Republican) and I just KNEW I was going to get a negative reaction. Of course, it only took about 3 seconds after saying "I'm gay" that she hugged me and told me she completely supports me and still loves me. Once again, I had let my fears dictate in my mind that I was going to get a negative reaction. Once again, I was wrong.

    I'm not suggesting that your husband will be just fine with this. But you don't really know. The only real question before you is this: how long can I keep this up before it destroys me? What am I really protecting my spouse and kids from? The truth?