Is it normal?

Oh my... these are all my questions too!!

It´s so overwhelming.

Last Christmas I told my sister. It was a relief. Just being able to talk to someone meant so much to me.
I told my cousin (who lives in another country) after she witnessed me flirting with another woman. I know.. awful.. but I blame drinking and dancing..

I want my husband to be next. I don´t want more people to know before I come out to him.
Trying not to think about what others will think of me coming out so late in life.

My husband is so kind and would do everything for me. But I can no longer pretend and lie.

Anyway. Telling my sister helped me a lot. Just to talk out loud, because I just went in circles with everything.

Wish you all the best.
You are certainly not alone (*hug*)

 

I have just come out of the closet after 37 years of closet-dwelling (I'm 47 but don't count the first 10 years as being in the closet). This doesn't make me an expert by any means, but I have some recent insight into all this, so I hope this helps you. This is all in my humble opinion.

First, I wouldn't come out to anyone until you have clarity on your sexuality. If you still identify as Questioning (which is just fine!), then I don't think you're ready to really come out. If there is a supportive friend that you think will keep your secret, it's ok to tell that person and have someone to talk to. If you are able to, a therapist might be very helpful to you in helping you come to terms with it.

I didn't come out until I not only completely identified as gay, but also had reached total acceptance with it. This helped me because when I began telling people, I had the confidence to say "I'm gay" and mean it with conviction. It seems to me that telling your spouse or opposite-sex partner that you are questioning your sexuality can have the effect of making them think they still have a chance. Of course, if you're bisexual that can work out well, but if you ultimately determine that you are lesbian then it would be better to know that before telling your spouse.

I told a friend before anyone else. This was a friend that I knew would not only be accepting, but would keep my secret and be willing to talk about my issues with me. This is totally normal to choose a supportive friend before the wife/husband.

After telling my wife, we waited for a couple of months before telling the kids. This gave us time to work on us first. This only works when you have a loving spouse that doesn't blow the whole thing up when they learn.

Regarding your feelings about what happens when the secret is out. Will people view you differently, will they believe you? It helps a lot if you are able to mentally give up control. Really give up trying to control other people's perceptions, who knows, who doesn't know, what they think, who will have a bad reaction, who will be supportive, and just let it happen. I completely gave up that control and just let it go. Listen to the Frozen song "Let it go." Once you do let go of the worry about what other people think (which you really can't control anyway), those questions no longer matter.

How do I start the conversation? Excellent question, and I still don't know after coming out to dozens of people now. I still have trouble starting the conversation and I sometimes bungle it a bit. Sometimes I start with "I'm gay" and other times I lead up to it more gradually. Ultimately it doesn't really matter. I have found that it's not the first or second conversation with someone you tell that really matters, it tends to be the third or fourth conversation that answers their questions and gets a much more understanding reaction. Just about everything I rehearsed prior to coming out to someone just vanished because I was so nervous and anxious. Subsequent conversations generally have me on firmer ground with what I really want to say.

Finally, will I meet someone new? Yeah, you will. Don't rush it, they gay community will still be there no matter how long it takes you to get there.

I hope this helps you. (&&&)

 

Tell whoever you think will take it the best; whoever you think will not judge you. That way, when you tell someone who handles it well, it'll give you more confidence to tell the rest.
Sit them down and ease them into the topic.
No one knows what truly will happen. It depends on the person.
Probably, but after a while, they'll begin to understand that you're still who you always were.
I think they'll believe you. They have no reason to think you'd lie about this.
Yes, you will meet someone new.

 

It's time.

 

Yes. This sounds totally normal. I remember well all the way-too-overwhelming feelings and thought patterns that went along with figuring myself out. I really couldn't do anything *without* thinking about being... not straight. I found that to be a horribly scary place to be.

It got better. Allowing myself room to experience my feelings helped. Having strong support helped. Time helped. Therapy helped. Posting here helped!

Sending you hugs, because I know you need them. (*hug*) You're going to be okay.