Did I do the right thing here? I don’t know what to think so I’ll just keep sharing. If anyone has some advice, please feel free to tell me, even if you think I need to completely walk away. As background; She is married but we have a really close emotional relationship. I have been very affectionate towards her and she receives/accepts my advances, both physical and emotional, (we are not sexual) but she just doesn’t initiate physical contact or put much effort into showing me love. Most of her efforts go into keeping the attachment between us tight. She gets sad when she doesn't get to see me, she doesn't like when i'm away, and she is affected by lack of attention on my part. She wants to know my schedule and gets flustered if I forget to tell her I'll be gone saying "I have to go without seeing your face for 3 weeks, what am I going to do? Oftentimes, she will take off when I take off. Yesterday I spoke to her and told her I can’t keep giving all my attention, all my energy and focus toward her when she isn’t reciprocating, I had tears in my eyes. She said she was afraid I was angry with her for not reciprocating – I told her I was not angry. She said it would hurt her if I was hurt by her lack of reciprocation. So she had been thinking about this I guess. I didn't know how to respond. I told her until she meets me halfway, I have to back off. (I’m beginning to think I need to back off until she decides what to do in her marriage, meeting me halfway or not) Then she started talking with a ‘couple-like’ language, and I noticed it immediately. She said we would work through this, and we’ll be okay; that she would work on reciprocating more because she’s not really good at it. That was good to hear, but strange also...this kind of language is honestly what keeps the emotional tie so strong – she speaks to me like this which creates a sense of ‘togetherness’. It seems odd to me considering she isn’t giving much effort ‘into’ the relationship. She talks the talk, but not so much the walk. I think she's very confused. I told her where we go from here is entirely up to her. She gave me a hug and said this: ‘I love you. We’re going to be alright’. More couple speak..at least, I don’t talk to my regular friends this way, much less accompanied with a hug like that. But maybe I’m the one with the skewed view? We have these poignant moments that confuse me at times; awhile back, I was holding her and I whispered to her, ‘this doesn’t do anything for you does it? I mean, you don’t really want this from me do you..’ to which she replied (as she pulled me closer) ‘maybe I do, maybe I really do need it but I’m just trying to be strong..’ Before we had our talk, I had picked some flowers from my garden and brought them in to several people including her. As the week went by, everyone else’s withered, but hers did not. There was one stem that had an extra bud on it. By this time, we had had our talk, so I hadn’t gone to see her all day. At the end of the day, she sent a text, ‘look, it finally bloomed..’ with the picture of the bud that had fully opened into this beautiful yellow flower. These are the kind of romantic things she does, the way she reaches out to me and connects coupled with the desire to keep me close to her. She didn’t have to take that picture which was very symbolic, and I know this. I'm not sure that she hasn't indeed fallen in love with me but is questioning her orientation; but she's got to figure out her marriage before we get any closer; this is becoming to weird. What else should I do? Was this the right way to handle this situation?
Sounds like shes playing games and stringing you along because she wants the attention. Actions speak louder than words in my opinion and this woman doesnt want to be in a proper realtionship with you. If she did want to be with you properly she would be end of story, no excuses. I think you have done the right thing backing off and I'd leave her to it and be looking out for a woman who could love you back properly and give you the relationship you want. Dont be wasting your life running after someone who isnt bothered about you.
She is likely not intentionally "playing" you, but it does sound like she is wanting her cake and eating it too. She doesn't want you to let her go and move on but she is doing nothing about her marriage. Has she ever been with a woman before? Sounds like she loves the emotional/affection part of being with you but is uncomfortable with a possible, eventual sexual relationship. Maybe that's where the confusion is and that may be why in your eyes she's not reciprocating the love and affection. As for what to do? Hate to say it but walking away is probably best. Tell her you want and deserve the whole stinkin' meal with dessert with her. If she is not interested in leaving her marriage at this time, I would let her go :icon_sad: Way easier said than done, I know. I am going through this very same thing now. I had to walk away from a woman I felt was my twin soul. If it weren't so late I would get into it more. All I can say is that it hurts. A lot. To walk away from someone you love deeply. Sometimes the only way the other person will gain clarity is by losing you.
Taking a lot of distance sounds like just the right thing to do. Both need to work on a relationship, not just one. Leaving someone is not easy but if she already has a new relationship with you yet remains indecisive and unclear and you have to compromise more, then that doesn't make things look too good for her.
Yes Poppy43, she ALWAYS wants my attention. Crazy-like; she'll come up with excuses to call me, come get me, run into me - like it's flattering almost. The reason why I signed up to this site was because there were so many people struggling with the idea that later in life, after being married with kids they suddenly find they aren't attracted to their spouse anymore, but to same gender. The things she says and how she acts had me searching for answers. I post here because there are those in similar situations (and I'm hoping more will share) who have helped me to see that yes, they identify with her behavior and can give me insight into whether she is worth waiting for, or if I am deluding myself. It is such a struggle and most really don't seem to know what to do. Approach her like a girlfriend now and I'd think she would freak out due to embarrassment...closeted mentality is something I can relate to...get to close to opening the door and we go into defense mode out of fear. But I have been doing everything 2 people who are dating would do, and she has accepted and settled into it. But like we all see, a relationship goes both ways. Most women, attention seeking or not, wouldn't accept the kind of advances I'm making. But she won't give back the same advances. So there is a disconnect. Is it because she's married? Because she is attracted but can't accept it? That's why I'm sharing my journey here. One way or another, the end result will help someone surely. I'm glad you all gave me support in backing away - I really do feel it is the right thing to do. I can't turn my back on her because we are so close, but all the extras, attention, pampering and most all of the physical aspects I have to withdrawal until she initiates. If she doesn't, I'll be doing what Poppy43 suggested, leaving her to it and finding another woman to love me proper. ---------- Post added 6th Sep 2016 at 08:40 PM ---------- Today was okay; she came around several times just to talk but she was low key, even around others. I guess she's got a lot to think about but I have to know that if she doesn't come to me, then she's not worth my time. I'll let her be. She did manage it to where I'll be working with her for the rest of the week - imagine that - so since I've chosen to withdrawal, she's planned a way of seeing me regardless. What a rascal~ ---------- Post added 6th Sep 2016 at 08:53 PM ---------- I don't know if I did this quote thing right, but yes, she is wanting it all without having to do anything for it. And that's part of it - don't you want to touch and love and hug on the people you care about? It makes no sense to me - like she has a block. I don't think she has been with a woman before, pretty sure of that. She said she's coming to a point where she realizes the marriage is over - but people live another 30 years together sometimes, just to avoid the messy change. And I already know she doesn't let go easily. So you're right about that one too~
Yes, wanting to have a cake and eat it too may be a analogy here.. Unless you feel really hurt, unable to go on with your daily stuff, I would not let her go. She seems to be a very special friend to you ( I may be wrong).. You are on the right track to recognize that some things may need to change. Maybe taking time to concentrate on finding the right balance in your friendship would work.. If you feel like you are really struggling, then maybe taking some distance would help you with a slightly different perspective. It sounds like you also may be in this state of finding a meaning in something that may not be as meaningful. Totally been there done that, and will probably fall into it again. My advice is to try to see her actions as opposed to her words, for now. Hang in there(*hug*)
Hi Orchidea, I agree with you and the others. I think keeping her as a friend would be best and because we are close, I can handle just friends. It's the 'wondering about more' that was bothering me. But I think everyone here has said enough truths that I can let go and still love her: she's probably not attracted to me and is uncomfortable with anything more physical, she needs attention, and she doesn't want to lose me as a friend. This has helped me to get my head on straight and hopefully continue to grow the friendship. Friends usually last longer anyway It's a bit disappointing but there are plenty of other options out there. Thanks everyone~
Of course there are many options, and I'm sorry, but somebody in a marriage needs to work through it, get out of it, and omg...process it. Divorce is traumatic. Also, I think you really know what you need to do, but it's not what you want to do. Being her friend may be too hard, particularly when she's trying to play you like she undoubtedly will.
If you can swing a friendship with her, that would be awesome. I have found in my own experience with J, however, it is very difficult and often painful. I always want more. My romantic feelings for her feel so natural and right and it has been a challenge to keep them in tact. She is as far as she has led me to believe, straight as a pin, and it often stings when she talks about her husband. Controlling your feelings is really, really hard! Worth a shot, though! :dry:
