I feel SO HAPPY that I have finally accepted to myself that I am gay.

I know I have started a lot of threads here (I am gay, I am not gay, I don't know, it's a roller coaster, on and on) but I just wanted to post a separate thread for anyone new and starting out. I still have a long way to go, but what everyone says here is right, just accept it to yourself- you don't have to do anything right away but just accept your sexuality.

I fought a long time with myself since coming here, and I know its not going to be easy, but really if I had just been honest with myself I would accepted it a lot sooner.

Yes, there are years of denial but it's not really that hard to figure out - the first day I posted here and said I was gay I felt an incredible rush of joy and happiness and peace.

I got scared of those feelings and tried to excuse them away (oh its just a fantasy, i only like guys body parts in a sexual way but that's just a fantasy)

But when I finally accepted to myself that I want to be intimate with a man both sexually and emotionally I absolutely realized that I was gay.

But it gets better.

I finally realized why I feel lonely and depressed and unhappy often. It's because I never had the motivation to date women because deep down I knew I couldn't get close in any way. I did have a girl friend here and there but it fizzled out because I was indifferent.

What really made accept and be happy about being gay is that I now have to the desire to seek closeness and intimacy with someone. Will it happen? There is no guarantee of that -but if I keep denying it then its sure not to happen.

For the first time in my life, since I can't remember when, I realize I have a chance to be happy and I know how.

 

Thanks everyone!

I tried to except myself before but now it's sunk in. I am still dealing with all the issues of coming out but I am no longer questioning. Once you accept yourself all the things you struggled with - the 'questions' become easy to answer. I am not saying dealing with the answer is always easy but once I fully accepted that I am gay it became so much easier to answer questions I wrestled with every day: "she' so beautiful, why dont' i feel any attraction".

But what I was really surprised about is once i fully accepted being gay I felt an incredible change from being withdrawn to wanting to get out and socialize. I was never motivated to date women; now it seems obvious why but before i thought it was just because I was depressed.

 

Thanks Patrick. Now is the scary part, moving into the real world. Scared that reality might not live up to my fantasy.
I guess its a good thing that that's holding me back instead of 'i don't want to be gay' thoughts. .. but its hard to come off this pink cloud.

 

i definitely still bounce a little but the denial is fighting a losing battle - because I feel so happy when I fully accept myself. I realize the denial is more just worrying about trying to figure out how to make it work in the real world.

Once I accepted I am gay it allowed me to realize so much more I am starting to accept that not only that I am gay but I want to be gay. its not something I "have" to live with, its how I can find happiness and intimacy in the world....

 

Thanks!
and one other note :icon_bigg Coming here and reading other posts and other coming out stories made me realize I am not just a interested in sex, but love. And that became a little harder to accept. I thought when people said 'I am born gay" they meant they just wanted to have sex with their own gender, when I read stories here and started to realize the intimacy that has been missing from my life. Even just imagining it is so much more intimate than anything I experienced when i was living in denial.