It's been a year...

Since I officially "came out" to my husband about being queer. I stopped writing on here a while ago to kind of figure things out without added influence in a way.

The last year has been a roller coaster, but all in all our relationship is much better then it ever has been, in a lot of ways, which has been interesting. He says I have changed a lot. The way I carry myself, the way I look and talk etc. which I can see in a way but I'm not trying to be a certain way anymore. He also says I am easier to talk to, that I feel more honest in my answers.

We went back and forth a lot on what to do long term. We will not be seperate get or divorcing etc. we have basically a bad ass best friend relationship and are raising our children together. I can talk openly to him about the sometimes crippling pain overwhelming sadness I feel sometimes. The desire of intimacy I crave but isn't satisfied. Which I used to think was due to other things but since opening up with myself and my husband it makes a lot more sense on WHERE those emotions are coming from and it's a lot easier to handle.

I think for myself there is no way to make things "better", staying married or divorcing to live the life I am *mwant* to there will be a lasting pain and hurt involved. In this way, I am not hurting everyone and can handle my emotions well so this is what I am comfortable with.


The current struggle, is that I think I may have way too many feelings for a person I hardly know. I've known her for nearly 2yrs we've had a very rocky friendship (if you can call it that) as long as I don't talk to her or see her name or anything tod o with her it's fine, any interaction or when she calls its overwhelming feelings that I am struggling to make go away. She is in no way someone that I could be with even if I wasn't married she is younger, lacks maturity, is not interested in boyish girls, is in an on again off again relationship with a long term girlfriend, I know she thinks about me but as far as how she feels I think it's slightly above tolerance. Which I think adds to it. I would really love some encouragement to deal with the crush that won't go away (it's been over 6mos of intense feelings). They are just simply illogical feelings and I can usually logic my way out of them but this is just not fading.

Fortunately we are moving extremely far away in about a week so hoping distance will help. But I have had very little self control in terms of ignoring her. P