What to do?

I feel my story is long and complicated but I just can't take this anymore and I'm not sure what I need to do. I've started to go on a forum many times and always backed out but this time I'm going to see what happens.

I suppose I should very quickly start at the beginning without being long and boring. I was raised in the Midwest Bible Belt and had so called "Christian" beliefs pounded into my head. So at an early age I was very conflicted with feeling like a boy, acting like a boy and wanting to be a boy. I fought my mother hard with trying to make me girly and to this day will be found in my blue jeans and t-shirts. I worked beside my father in his auto shop as much as I could and when I got jobs later in life they included, truck driving, forklift operator, wildland firefighter, heavy equipment operator and the like. I believe my family knows deep inside the truth of who I am but they are too "religious" to ever accept it or acknowledge it.

Because of my environment I conformed as much as I could. I got married, had 2 children and then got divorced. I've never remarried. Just before my divorce and things were crumbling I thought something had to be wrong with me and so I sought out the church. While the church only made me feel worse I met a woman there and we became hard and fast friends. She was there for me like no one ever was. After my divorce we were together all the time and we ended up falling in love and that was my first experience with a woman. I'd never felt so in love. However her ties with the church put her in a moral dilemma and she told me she loved me but her family would never accept her and she couldn't live a lie and she left town so she wouldn't see me anymore. It broke my heart. I went on a downward spiral, did something very stupid and went to prison for 2 1/2 yrs. While there my newfound realization that I was into women and my more male oriented traits attracted a lot of attention and I was very popular with some very attractive women. I tend to be more on the shy side however and I didn't really do much to act on my newfound popularity. I did however form some bonds with a few women that have lasted for well over 15 yrs. now. Only one of them was a romantic interest and that is my problem to this day.

So the background above took a little more than I wanted but now I'd like to get to the meat of this post. I met this girl in prison and in prison you really don't expect things to last beyond those walls. However I really liked this girl and when she got transferred to another prison we wrote back and forth. Later I found out she was having a relationship with a counselor at the other prison and although I felt a little prick to my heart I knew I couldn't let it get me down. I quit writing her, wrote her off and went on about my business. Then one day as I was returning from work, there she was. At first my heart skipped a beat and then I was pissed and tried to walk past her without acknowledging her. She sidestepped into my path and grabbed my hand and my breath sucked right out of me. I don't even remember what she said but it was something to do with trying to apologize. I mumbled something and went on. However I knew I was obsessed.

As bad luck would have it they put her in my dorm only a few beds from me and I couldn't get her off of my mind. I would find myself watching her when I was trying to read or do something else. I found out that she got transferred back because her relationship with the counselor was found out and she was shipped out and he was fired. She and this person made plans to be together when she got out and I tried to fight my feelings. So one day I made another stupid decision and decided if we couldn't be together then I cared to much about her and we would just be good friends. She got out and went to be with him and I heard from her occasionally.

Then I got out and went back home to my family because I had to start all over. She called occasionally and distance was my friend in trying to reign in my heart.

Then one day her new person called me and told me she had gotten into trouble again and was in jail and she really wanted to talk to me. (she had a prescription drug problem) So arrangements were made for her to call me and I found out things weren't so heavenly with her new relationship and she wanted out, (hence one reason she chose to use again). She did get out of her relationship but she also went back to prison. I saw first hand how much of a jerk this guy was and felt sorry for her and so I stuck by her. We talked a lot and wrote a ton of letters and eventually decided when she got out again I was going to be there and we were going to be together.

However in the meantime I ended up in an unplanned relationship of my own. My boss at my job as a heavy equipment operator had his eye on me and one drunk night we ended up together. I told him I had a girlfriend and at first he seemed ok with it. I told him I was moving when she got out and he said nothing. Yet as time went on he became more possessive but he treated me like a damn queen so I stayed.

I never told her about him, justifying it by telling myself that she had done the same to me. Also I might mention that he didn't have clean hands either. He had an estranged wife but neglected to tell me that he saw her and slept with her occasionally. When I did find out I accepted it because I had a girlfriend of my own. Eventually he wanted me to get rid of my girlfriend but he wasn't willing to quit sleeping with his wife. We fought about it and I decided it was easier to lie to him and tell him I ended it with her without really doing so. I justified that because he wouldn't stop seeing his wife.

So I'm in this big mess. My intentions were to be with her when the time came for her to get out in the meantime I didn't want to quit seeing him. I was getting more despicable by the minute and before this I had never once cheated on anyone. But in my mind everyone was doing it to me so I could do it too! I hated myself but couldn't stop.

I eventually moved in with him and started playing house and spending a lot of money on things I intended to take with me when I left. So one day I happened to be talking to her on the phone and he was out in the garage. I had forgotten that I had left the handset to the kitchen phone out there the previous night and when he saw I was on the phone he picked it up and heard me talking to her. He told me he had picked it up because he wanted to tell me to come out there using the paging part of the phone. Anyway the shit hit the fan and although we stayed together things were never the same nor were they going to be. He didn't trust me anymore and I never did trust him because he wanted from me things he wasn't willing to give. He was an asshole after that but he was possessive and always tried to keep me from leaving.

So when I knew my girl was getting out, I waited for him to go to work and packed up and left, leaving behind a lot of dollars worth of things we had bought together. I knew if he was home he would try to stop me and I didn't want the fight.

My girl went back home to her Mom's and I moved there too. I thought I was finally going to be with her. I found out when I got there (a very far distance away) that her Mom didn't know about us and my girl wasn't going to tell her. Her Mom also was too "religious". I was expected to sleep in another room and just act like we were best friends. I barely got a moment's time with her and then her parole officer insisted she had to move into a halfway house in town (she live way out in the country). So it ended up I was at her Mom's pretending to be her friend while she lived in town and spent every night going to some sort of AA type meetings. I was really pissed!

Then to make a long story short again she took someone's pain pills, got a dirty UA and got sent back to prison again. I was devastated and didn't know what to do. For awhile I stayed with her Mom and supported her as best I could. She cried a lot to me on the phone and promised to do better when she got out again. Eventually due to an invasion of my privacy her Mom found some of our letters and had a fit and I moved out.

I still stuck with her though, supported her, made sure she had money, bought her a ring and talked about her staying with me when she got out. I visited her every week twice a week and none of her family ever did nor did they ever help her with money. I spent holidays at the prison with her. We made plans. That is until the time came for release and she told me they wouldn't let her stay with me, she had to parole to her Mom again. She didn't even try to parole to where I was. She told me her family expected her to return home and that is where she wanted to be. At that point I'd had it. We broke up and only communicated infrequently for quite awhile. But I never stopped caring, I never stopped loving her, I never stopped thinking about her, not ever.

All this and I never even had sex with her once or got a real kiss, only ever a peck on the lips, worse than my grandma gave. Yet she always claimed she loved me.

My heart's been crushed too many times and I decided to close it up for good. Like so many others, I've carried so much pain in my heart for so long I didn't think I could do it anymore. I decided I was just going to play the field. Have sex if I wanted but no one was getting my heart. I've found myself attracted to both sexes although it seems to be harder to find a woman in my current area and that is what I crave most.

Now at the beginning of the year, "my girl", started calling more and more frequently and telling me she loves me and all that bullshit. She kept asking me to come and see her and what not and so one day I decided to try something. I told her I was coming down to get her and we were going to go away for the weekend and that was the way it was she was NOT allowed to say no. Surprisingly she said okay. So I took her away and we checked into a motel and spent the weekend talking and laughing and having a good time. We did NOT have sex but I held her and we slept together and when the weekend was all over she kissed me a little harder than she ever did before, although still not a real kiss. She held my hand the whole drive home and she told me we need to see each other more and when talking about sex she said very softly almost inaudibly, "We'll get there.", I said nothing. I think she has since hoped I didn't hear her because when it came up in a later conversation she tried to gloss over it until I reminded her of what she had said. She just looked at me knowing full well she had said it.

So I've tried to spend more time with her but she keeps cancelling on me. Three times now and once when I had surgery and she was going to come help me. Her Mom needed her. I even bought tickets to a concert for us to see but the minute she was supposed to leave to come here she called and claimed her Mom was ill and she had to stay home. I lost the money I had paid for the ticket because it was too late to try to sell it. Granted her Mom has been ill but but everything lately is all about her Mom. If it's not her Mom, she's working and that I understand but I don't understand every free moment being about her Mom.

I've tried to be supportive and she tells me she doesn't know what she'd do without being able to talk to me but I'm feeling kind of needy myself and don't know what to do.

She calls me everyday going to and from work but she is really difficult to get to talk about her feelings and she seems to not want to hear mine a lot either. She told me she is afraid to be intimate on any level and that she hadn't been with anyone sexually since that counselor from prison. I try to tell her how I feel and I get little to no response most of the time. If I do get anything out of her I have to ask directly and then she'll say, "I've already told you that!" when it was either very vague or maybe six months ago. Maybe I need some affirmation from time to time!

I asked about our relationship the other day in a text and kind of demanded an answer and she said that she feels a shift in our relationship and that she feels more than she has in a long time. She thanked me for being patient with her. I asked her if it was okay if I told her more often how I feel and she replied, "Yes, it is!" with a smiley with hearts in it's eyes. Now that may be all I'll get from her for awhile now and if I ask anything she'll tell me, " I told you that!"

So since then I have texted several little messages with no response at all and she is back to being rather indifferent again. I do little things for her and she says, "Thanks!" and that's it. I even bought tickets for her Mom to see an event she wanted to see and she says she's excited but doesn't act it.

She calls me Thumper when she's being more loving because I told her once I was twitterpated, but that's not often.

Part of me thinks she's afraid I'll wake something up inside her if she let's things happen, part of me wonders if she even really wants me at all and I'm just an easy mark for her. It hurts not to know and I can't get any real answer out of her.

Oh and this is a mystery to me too; the other day she tells me she wants me to buy her these Victoria's Secret bras she wants. I asked her why, I know she has the money. She says, "Just because I want you too." What does that mean? I asked her if that meant I could take them off and she ignored me.

Obviously I really want her and I really love her or I wouldn't still be here. But am I wasting my time? I don't want to give up if I can have her but I'm tired of feeling like a fool.

My friends get really upset at the things she does and just shake their heads. I know I'm a fool to them. My parents know nothing about our relationship. We let her Mom know we had never had sex and now she believes we have just become good friends.

Please, I'm really confused and I don't even know if I made any sense in this post.

Oh and lastly she knows I'm fooling around with other people and said it's fine because she isn't giving me that physical relationship. BUT she doesn't want to hear about it, like if she asks what I did on a certain day and I was with someone she doesn't want to know.

What do others think of this situation?

Please forgive me for making this too long, I just had to get it off my chest.

 

Thank you for your input. What you said is kind of what I've been thinking, I just don't want to accept it. It hurts a lot. I really feel she jerks my chain a quite a bit and I know I'm a fool. I do all the giving and she does all the taking and it's getting old.

I am a person who enjoys giving and I don't really care about what I may need. I recently broke down and bought myself a new bed and have felt guilty about it ever since. My own family scolds me for not doing things for my own enjoyment but I always feel someone else needs it more. I know I would never be rich because I would only give it all away. I don't really expect much in return but it's nice to get a little love and appreciation shown once in awhile. I don't like having to beg her to be told that my efforts mean something or even have them acknowledged at times.

She makes me feel desperate and I really am not, I don't have a problem getting a date if I want to. My past experiences and relationships have made me not want to trust anyone ever again or make my heart vulnerable. The thing is I know my heart and it will just jump right out there whether I want it to or not so I keep getting hurt.

You aren't the first to tell me my story is interesting. Those that know it first hand tell me I should write a book, lol.

If you want to know more, just ask. I don't mind talking about it, it makes me who I am and I'm not a bad person.

 

Thank you for replying as well. What you are saying is something my brain keeps telling me but my heart doesn't want to hear it. I guess I wanted some opinions from an outside source who may see something here I can't see. When she gives a little I have hope and then she pulls back again. She has responded somewhat more favorably just recently but still it doesn't seem like much. I wondered if anyone had any perspective on the small positive steps that have happened recently and exactly what's up with the bra thing and other little oddities.

 

Yes my friends have said as much. It really hurts to feel like a fool and I really do love her but I know with my head you are probably right.