This is a new woman I'm speaking to (I've posted about another woman, before, who is still blocked on my phone). We've been physical and while we have not had sex, we have had phone sex. I'm still a girl virgin, lol. Let me preface this by saying I have a complete blind spot for women. Things I would never let a man get away with, I let slide w/a woman. I rationalize toxic behavior and stay way beyond the red flags. Not sure why I'm like this. It's like I have no clarity with women. This woman and I have agreed to only talk and be physical w/each other. We agreed to be honest w/one another if there is anyone else on the horizon. This is mainly for health reasons, but also to keep the other aware of the situation at hand. On an emotional front, she confuses me. In one moment, she says that she could imagine me being around her friends and family at a dinner party...in the next, she doesn't like when I mention hugging or kissing her the next time I see her, calling it "too much pressure" and that I'm too much in my head- yet we've agreed to only talk and be physical w/each other. Yesterday, she and her roommate had a dinner party w/other lesbian women. Lets call my "friend" Janie. Janie's roommate is always trying to set her up and had invited a woman she felt would be perfect for Janie. Janie reassured me she didn't find the woman attractive, at all. Janie text messaged me throughout the dinner party, telling me she missed me and was thinking about and didn't feel any attraction to this woman. At 11pm, however, her texts become very, very sexual. This is unusual, because she is never so directi and usually builds up any sexual talk, very slowly. This is right off the bat and out of the blue. I'm surprised at the direct tone, but happy with it. Soon, I become aware she's probably drunk. After I reply to her about something, she says, "You love that and you love me, too!" But her texts are scattered and full of typos. She's becoming increasingly inebriated and harder and harder to understand. I'm sending her XXX pictures to give her an idea of what I would want to do to her and her replies are like, "Damn you!" and "Ugh!" and other responses indicating she's getting more and more turned on, but a little frustrated. Soon, the texts are completely indecipherable. She's tore up drunk now, I can tell. From midnight on, I get texts that make no sense. Even "hello" is spelled wrong. She texts "howdy" (but spelled wrong) at 3:30am and 4:55am. She fails to tell me goodnight, as she always has, and she doesn't tell good morning, as she always does. I hear from her very late (she usually texts me "good morning" at 6:30ish) at around 10am. She's short and one-word replies. Later, I gather she's called off from work and she sounds a mess. When I ask her how drunk she was, she becomes a little defensive, insisting she only had two glasses of wine and was NOT drunk. I asked her what happened, because I didn't hear from her the night before. She says that she just crashed and knocked out, being exhausted from work that day and the dinner party. She then tells me that around 11pm (around the time her dirty texts began) she wandered into her room and that there was a girl in the bed. She reiterates, a few times, that there was a girl in her bed, asleep. Later, she says it was her BFF and she was tired and knocked out. As the story comes out, she admits that she has a sexual past with her straight-ish BFF, but that it was long ago. When I ask her where she fell asleep, she said that she fell asleep right next to her BFF. She tells me that her roommate interrupts them a few times and asks them if anything is going on, sexually. When I ask Janie if anything happened, she says in a kind of giggly tone, "I don't THINK so." When I say, "Huh?" She says "I don't THINK anything happened." She repeats this a few times. When I tell her that I don't know what to make of the I DON'T THINK part, she shifts the story and says it was just a bad joke and that nothing happened and why would I believe that. She kinda giggles about that. As we're talking, I can hear her roommate enter the room and ask her, "Janie, did I interrupt anything yesterday? I didn't mean to, if I did." Her roommate is alluding to something sexual happening and her interrupting. Later, Janie texts me, "My roomie keeps asking if she interrupted me and my BFF in bed...lol." She's drunk, her dirty texts began right around the time she went to bed and I could tell she was beginning to get sexual frustrated with how explicit our texts were. Her texts become completely incoherent and even though I reply, they end abruptly shortly thereafter. She has a sexual past w/this woman, jokingly tells me she doesn't THINK anything happened, and admits that her roomie repeatedly wanted reassurance that she didn't interrupt anything sexual. We've agreed to only talk/sext/be physical with each other. I feel like if this were a man, I'd see through how ridiculous this story is, but with a woman, I'm blind. Am I reading too much into this? Then there's the fact that she won't even commit to the term friends with benefits, but talks about a future together and then freaks when I ask her if I can get a big kiss the next time I see her (there's too much pressure on her, she says, and I'm "too in my head"). What say you? The next day after this, I legitimately fell asleep and didn't reply to her goodnight text until around 2am when I woke up abruptly. She then voiced how weird she thought it was that I took so long to reply to her "goodnight" but totally glosses over the fact that I didn't hear from her at all the night she got drunk. I hope I made sense.
You may want to think about taking a step back from dating until you figure out what you want. Or don't. I don't know. You seem extremely thrown in these situations. You're saying you don't know what to make of this, but you're clearly bothered by this person's actions. You're talking to someone you've agreed to have a sole sexual relationship with, so why is this immature story about she and her friend possibly having had sex that night a concern of yours? Immaturity: this sounds like a 20 year old who needs a lot of attention - are you going for younger women? Maybe you're going too young. The beauty of being a human is that you can choose who you allow in your space. If this was annoying and you're not into it, move on. The fact that you're already in a slightly sexual situation with another woman proves that hook ups are not a hard thing for you to find. If you're not that bothered, then keep to your plans of sex without emotions. Maybe you can't do that, which is why I say to maybe hold off until you know what you're looking for. If I had agreed to just have a sex buddy, which I've had before, I wouldn't care what they were doing in their personal life. Sex buddy isnt a relationship. Not an emotionally fulfilling one. It's a sexually fulfilling one. When I did have a ****buddy, so to say, it was abundantly clear and I made sure our activities were safe. I didn't know what they did in their personal life. You analyzing this situation so hard seems like you're not ready for that. And that's okay.
First, I have to ask, did you ever actually agree to be exclusive? The whole "telling if there is someone else on the horizon" part has me confused, does that include friends with benefits and casual sex (like what could have happened with the BFF) or only long term romantic prospects? From the way it is worded it kind of sounds like the latter? Aside from that, whether you had agreed to be exclusive or not, lying about how drunk she is can indicate a much bigger problem. Someone who is willing to lie about something so trivial is likely capable of a whole lot more lying and is probably not a very honest person. That is the part I would worry about the most, honestly. I'm not sure what to make of the commitment issues, it could be that she likes to flatter you by saying she could see you have a future together or maybe she likes dreaming about it but is not ready for it to actually get real yet. It is up to you to decide whether this is a problem, can you wait for her - however long it might take - until she is ready to become more romantically involved? There are definitely some red flags here, the casual lying being the biggest in my opinion. I can't tell whether her saying she is unsure of whether she did anything sexual with her BFF is a problem or not, that depends on whether you have agreed to be entirely exclusive. From the way she responded it sounds like she either doesn't consider you exclusive or doesn't care about how you feel at all. I would tread very carefully with her, if she keeps lying and if she does not care about how you feel you should save yourself the heartache and cut her off ASAP. You could try to talk to her again about how drunk she was, to give her one more chance to be honest about it. It's a really good thing you have noticed that you are too forgiving of red flags, but at least you notice them and come here for opinions. I think it is common to ignore red flags when there is something you really want but feel like you will never have, unfortunately some people specialize in taking advantage of it. So if she does turns out to be crazy like the other woman, let her go. (Way to go blocking the other one, BTW!) There are women out there who are emotionally stable and without baggage with whom you can have a good, healthy relationship. Save yourself for them, it might take a little while, but you will spend that time without extra anxiety and drama.
Thank you Yeah & Happy. It's that blind spot for women. It throws me off completely. As I said, I can clearly see toxic and abusive behavior men, but I can't see it with women. It was very obvious to everyone that my trigger crush was a bit of a narc/socio, but I couldn't see it and defended her. I am now very on guard and analyze things to never experience that again. The thing about this is one is she's kind of the same as the last one by how much she wants to communicate. Hours, throughout the day, via phone and text. I had plenty (that sounds bad!) of FWB situations prior to being married and we didn't communicate at all during those downtimes of physical interaction. This feels like the beginning of a relationship where all you're doing is getting to know one another. That is not FWB to me and although I told her this, it always gets back to that amount of talking. We agreed to only talk and be physical with each other without an official title. She did say that because we love farther away from one another (3 hours away) that if we met someone closer in the course of regular life, we'd tell the other one. But that otherwise, we only wanted to talk/be physical with each other. Happy, yes, the lying about obviously being drunk got to me. I also didn't like how she giggled when she said "I don't THINK anything happened" and said it repeatedly. The continued to tell me that her roomie was questioning her too. It felt like she was getting satisfaction having me hear that. I know at the time, I didn't like how it felt. There's the talk on her part of a future together and things that she mentions. The fact we've agreed to only be with one another. But then I ask her for a hug and a kiss for the next time, and she freaks out and says it's too much pressure and I'm too in my head. She said that via text. I was on the phone with an hysterical friend, so didn't answer right away. 10 minutes later she said "I like you." Still on the phone with my friend, 10 minutes later, she says "goodnight then." We always tell each other goodnight (gosh, that is so not FWB, lol) and so she cut that off really quick. It feels like she enjoys and is anticipating a certain reaction out of me. I guess I kinda feel like I'm getting toyed with, but that damn blind spot for women. My therapist told me, "it's interesting that you pick opposites. With men, you choose type b personalities and you have the control. With women, you pick strong minded type a personalities, and you have no control and you can't even see that." I know I feel like something is off. And then I double guess myself. I didn't like her lying about the drunk part, even getting a tad defensive about something very obvious. Or the giggling about "I don't THINK anything happened." I know it didn't feel good.
OK, no wonder I was unsure of what you were trying to do with her, it seems neither of you are very sure of it either. I really think you should be careful with her. If you feel like you are getting toyed with (and it certainly seems so) I think it's best you leave now and do like Yeah said, figure out what you want and keep those boundaries. If you want a FWB, don't let her try to extend that to a semi-relationship and if you want a relationship, build a healthy one. If you and a FWB want to go from FWB to a relationship it needs to be clear and not only whenever she feels like being in a relationship mood with you. I realize you agreed that you would talk and have sex without a title (sounds like FWB but not calling it that for some reason?) But FWBs don't agree to be exclusive normally, that is normally a relationship, especially when coupled with hours of talking every day. Is this setup actually what you want, or is this something she has dictated and you just agreed to because she wanted it and you figured you could live with it? I'm not saying you absolutely need to label what you have going on, but it seems like you don't have a clear picture of what exactly you have, which I do think is important. If you have agreed to be exclusive, then her making light of potentially sleeping with her BFF when you were concerned about it is a huge red flag. Be careful, and keep coming back here if you decide to give her some more time and have more doubts about her!
And now that I'm thinking about it, I didn't like her follow up texts that stated her roomie kept asking her if she had interrupted them (sexually). I was already dubious/skeptical about her story so why continue to push this upon me via text (we had just hung-up after being on the phone for a while). We had been on the phone for a while and hung-up. Minutes later she texts me, "Roomie keeps asking me if she interrupted me and the BFF last night!! Lol." Huh? You're telling me this? And right after being on the phone for a while. Does she get a kick out of this or something because I don't get why continue to tell me? It doesn't feel good. I feel like I'm being toyed with, but worried I'm being too analytical and guarded (after my trigger crush). ---------- Post added 9th Sep 2016 at 05:58 AM ---------- Thanks, Happy! I have tried to broach the subject with her, but then she tells me that I'm too in my head and feels like it's too much pressure. Then she backs off, but very quickly returns to that level of talking. She does most of the reaching out. It is very confusing and while I don't want to pressure her or be too in my head, I find myself questioning a lot when it comes to her and don't know where I stand.
In the back of my mind, I thought it was the guys who got progressively gayer as the blood alcohol level increased, followed by the hangover combined with remorse. It's kind of a mind fuck. What do you think the chances are that this woman has the interpersonal dynamic of an alcoholic? If she does, you should run. I find it interesting that you put up with this from women while not from men. I don't mean that I find it surprising, just interesting. I have had a tendency to put up with too much from men, kind of the reverse. Anyway, it sounds dysfunctional. I've had to monitor my own tendency to attract this dysfunction and be careful. You may have this problem as well.
Honestly, this woman sounds a bit unstable when it comes to a relationship. In my opinion, she's either in love with her BFF and is using you to block out those unrequited feelings, or she's a player and she's trying to make you jealous for the thrill. If I were you, I'd step back and start texting her less. Then when she asks you what's up, tell her how you feel. If she truly cares about you, then she will do better. If she doesn't care, then she will get defensive and walk away.
Thanks guys. I guess I'm going to reply to a text or two of hers, just briefly, and then prob stop responding altogether.
